Letters to Mama from Prison: 3-16-04 (#1)

Welcome to Charlie's Journey to Enlightenment

This blog shares the on going journey of my son's emotional, spiritual, and mental growth in the most challenging of environments [Prison = man's structured hell here on earth]. I have become aware that even though his words were written for me, I believe they need to be shared with the world. [If you have missed any of his letters that have already been posted, check them out in the archives.]

Each week, the next chronological letter is posted from a collection of letters that i have received. On the bottom of this blog, is a book he is currently writing. So, as the letters show how his path of enlightenment has transpired; the current writings show where he presently is.

[With the horrendous statistic of 1 out of every 100 Americans is behind bars, I know I am not a lone in my circumstance as a mother corresponding with her son. With each incarcerated individual, the web of pain extends far.]

Background

Charlie is one of three of my sons. His older brother was born15 months before him. His younger brother was born 2 1/2 years after him. He was born with a sense of style and strong charisma. I remember, on his first day of kindergarten, finding him standing on a chair pulled up to the bathroom mirror. I told him that he mustn't be late for his first day and his reply was, "I know mama, but I gotta look okay" as finished combing his hair. He is very musically inclined. He has a very good voice and is a very good dancer. In fact, he took dancing lessons for years.

When He was 10 years old, his father and i separated and times got tough. His first brush with the law was after he punched a kid on the playground for not letting a little one play on one of the playground toys. Well, that kid's father was a police detectives son- Charlie got involved with the juvenile program.

Shortly after his younger brother turned 15, he committed suicide and Charlie is the one that found him. Two years later, he started having major flashbacks. Charlie started drinking to numb. He was caught on a DUI and sent to Jail. While in there he was raped. I got him out and got him all lined up with counseling.

He had broken up with a girlfriend after catching her doing Meth. and had just started a relationship with a new girl. When he got the call from the past girlfriend informing him that she was pregnant.

He had went for a drive - yes, he was drinking again. I give no excuses for his unwise choices. Sometimes, however, there are triggers causing our irrational thoughts and actions. This is how he got behind the wheel. This is to put in to reference a reasoning for why he did not stop.

The Incident

He didn’t stop at a stop sign. A policeman saw this and went to pull him over. Charlie decided to speed on. Many other policemen joined in. The chase went on for a quite a while. The police put up a block to stop him when he swerved to get away he clipped two of the cars. When he finally got stopped, they broke out the window and pulled him out over the broken glass and then sprayed him with mace. Then they proceeded to beat and kick my son. They blackened his eyes and bloodied him all up- breaking a rib and an arm.

They charged him with felonies of assault with a deadly weapon against the police (using the car as the deadly weapon). His lawyer based his case on the fact that legally they couldn’t hold him because they didn’t go through the proper channels for arresting him on the Indian reservation. The judge forbad his lawyer to bring up that issue at all during his trial. Charlie was sentenced to 8 years in maximum security state prison. My son that would not purposefully harm anyone was sent to live with amongst murderers and worse.

PostCard 9-17-03

[This is his first written corresponce with me. He had been locked up for 7 months in Maricopa County Jail before every going to trial. I would go visit him every week. My son would come in with shackles on his feet. We would sit across from each other at tables. We were not allowed to touch. Sometimes, visits were cancelled if there were problems in his cell block and they went in to shut down. I would never know if he was okay. Families are not kept informed of their loved ones well being.]

Hi Mama,
I just wanted to send you something to let you know that i am O.K. I love you Mama and look forward to Sunday every week. :) I can't wait to come home, finally and be able to give you a big hug and kiss.I want you to know, I've finally started to realize my purpose in life is to help my fellow man. No matter what the situation I am in. There is a reason and a purpose always. There is always someone to help, to learn from and to teach.

P. S. Take care of Chopper [our dog], and most importantly -I love you.

Saturday, July 12, 2008

3-16-04 (#1)

Mama,

Hello Ms. McGurn! Well it’s the middle of March. It’s probably early or late -late at night. And guess what? I am all alone- cursed by my own wishful thinking. My old cellie is just that my old cellie. He has been gone for a couple of days now. His dumb ass had three guys in the cell after chow. The guard blocked them in. They arrested them and searched the cell. Yep- they found all the “goodies”. My cellie had stashed away in the vent-tatoo gun – sling – tattoo paraphernalia. Of course they also found a glove he had made out of the bottom of his pants and charges him with attempted escape. They locked us down and one day into lock down they rolled him to super Max Unit. The bad part is that they gave me a ticket as well. They gave me 63 days of “loss of privileges” –which I don’t get anyways- so, big deal. I am now a 4-4. But don’t worry, in another month it will go back to a 4-3.

I have to take two years off of my sentence on this yard anyways, so I should be a 3 something by then and get off the yard.

Another bad part is that he took his T.V. Right now I am borrowing my neighbors radio. So, I am alright. Plus I got some books today. I just got done with one. I read the whole thing in about 3 hours. 300 pages or so. It’s one of those “Ender’s Game” Sequels. I’ve got three of the saga’s.

I have a deep thirst right now for intellectual stimulation. This dumb guard keeps staring in my cell. She’s weird and beastie. But it is good to see a woman’s face at a time like this- in a place like this.

I ripped out a part of a magazine ad for Curve. I put it in my drawer, so when I open it I get a whiff. Jesse used to wear it. He got me liking the scent. God I miss him.

I mapped out by months the number I have left. All the way up to 2010. I visualized myself being 27 and it’s hard to grasp. I followed the aging of Jesse and Christifer as well as my own little Cierra. Just for kicks, I also mapped Sarah turning 30J I would have done you too, but you’ll always be 29 to me J.

My solitude, I hope will continue on through the weekend. It’s a Thursday already so there is a chance. I said a couple of prayers that my new cellie would be someone cool and I could get along with.

In my police report, I had a picture of my driver’s license enlarged. I hung it next to you and Chopper- Mom and Papa too. I wish I had a picture of Cierra to help me get through the hard times. I want to hear her call me Daddy so bad. I wouldn’t mind hearing any woman call me “Daddy” right now! J

I’ve got to be okay. Everything is not that bad, right? Things will work in my favor, right? I will be saved by nothing less than miraculous from the th next 72 months, right? Am I crazy or just delusional? Whatever the case, I still have hope for myself and the world for that matter.

I got the notion from a book about guardian angels. That Eternity is always- a never ending flow of energy. Forming existence we-past and present- take part in this flow or cycle either willingly or blinded. That helps me deal. I can cope with 72 months, if that is the plan. But if not, I have every lasting faith in eternity, the flow, part God, part Heaven. What ever happens is God’s will. Right now I am learning more about whom I am and what I stand for. I don’t know if I’m right. I understand my full capacity to achieve- my purpose or any purpose for that matter.

Did you know that Hindu’s smear cow dung on their houses? Beef it’s what’s for dinner! J
So I will send this letter out in the morning. You’ll get it soon enough. I am reading another Orson Scott Card Sci-Fi book. But I’m kinda’ sick of Ender and his adventures. No more spaceships, Please! I’ll read it anyway, despite my current hatred of the subject.

The C.O.[guard] says I’m different in all of my pictures. My ability to change my appearance has made me a good outlaw.:) Charlie McGurn more famous than Jesse James.:)

I’ve been feeling the urge to write a book lately. What I would give for a typewriter. When I was younger, I loved hearing the drop of keys on paper. I used to push random keys just to make that beloved sound. It for some reason has to be a yellow cover with the title “banana” something. Not yet sure-maybe “peel”. I must do this though. I saw it in a dream.

In the bible prophets were given visions through dreams as well as in the Koran.
I never again will doubt the power of thought. Dreams are expressions of thought to what level is a mystery. Who plants the journeys we take at night and why? Other forces are at work. I am sure of it.

Well, I love you Mama. Forever in my prayers- you and yours. Remember, you deserve what you desire. You are on the right road! Never doubt the power you contain. We boys never have. I believe in you!

Your distant son,
Love, Charlie

Send everyone my good thoughts and love.

(There were two letters in the envelope, this one along with the previous letter.)

Mama,

It’s officially Thursday. I just got up about an hour ago. I didn’t want to waste envelope space, so, I thought I would write you again. This pen is on its last drop of ink. So, if I switch to pencil, you’ll know why.

Well, it’s my forth month of prison. The weird part is so little has happened that it feels as though a week has gone by. I hope this year goes by just as fast. I am wishing for a letter today. Maybe some good news from the outside- any news would be good now. Maybe I’ll get my wish.

Is it warmer over there, yet? It feels like summer here now. The weather here is very different from phoenix. It rains a lot here. I wish I could go play in it. Today is one of those rainy days. One of the days, I wish I was out of prison, frolicking in a park somewhere. Maybe with a dog, chopper preferably - just running around.

I am sleepy all of the time. I dreamt I was in the back of a car that drove through the beach into the water. There was a huge wave. I was told to roll up my window. It didn’t roll up as fast as I hoped and some water came in. By the second wave I was used to the spillage. I also had two bottles of wine. I put them in my back pack, but had no corkscrew. I found one in the front seat and discarded one of the bottles. Bizarre I know, it just seemed so real. I guess that’s just how my mind works.

Last night after I finished the sad letter, I asked God to speak through me. It was after I read that book and I couldn’t sleep. Words just flooded my mind as though ten people were reading out loud. Ten separate books popped into my head all at once. Words popped into my head that I had never heard before. One right after another, it was making it hard for me to think. Like some sort of information. Am I going nuts? Either way, it was cool.

Call me crazy or just plain lonely.. Maybe sub-consciously, I was just making words up to entertain myself. Either way I woke up as though enlightened. My prayers work, almost immediately. I am very content with my solitude today.

This young chief named Maric wants to move in. I told him to put in the paperwork. I get along with him. I think maybe I can help him. He seems lost. Oh I asked God to give me a vision and I got one. I think I am supposed to help him. His name was written in spray paint in my dream last night. I woke up and realized it was his name. I saw him in the chow hall today. I called him RaY-Ray the way it was written in my dream. For some strange reason he gave me a hug. Ha! Maric was like “Why don’t you just give him a kiss?”

There’s nothing like breakfast at 5:30 pm. Do you remember having breakfast for dinner? Corn Fritters, pancakes, hash browns and sausage. I miss my childhood.

There’s some radio station that has a very eclectic selection of radio shows. I first listened to it during a reggae show. Right now they are playing like Indian Music. I wouldn’t mind having a zitar. Last night was some rockabilly show- tonight elephant music.

I used to love “world music” on television. That was my favorite station. I like bizarre uplifting sounds.

My hair is getting long. I can eat my hair if I chose to. I started a new ponytail fad on the run. Followers of the shaggy head. Oh its Indian Jazzy-classical Indian slide guitar or elephant music.

I want to teach life the way Jesse did- without him even knowing it. Our own little Buddha. In Hendi, the word for doing right no matter what the cost is “Satyagraha”. Jesse was a man of this Satyagraha. Even though he’s not with us in the physical sense, his guidance is not lost. I hear him… I know you do too. J

Christifer never hugged me the way that Jesse did. Chris’ were always so aggressive and weird like he was trying to be a man in some distorted way. Jesse on the other hand understood your emotion and how to comfort. I love him. Not to say that Chris is any less important to me. It’s just that Chris doesn’t write and Jesse would have.

I remember the first time I was released form Juvie. Jesse was there with you- waiting for me along side you. You both hugged me and it started to rain. The clouds were a weird purple – even though it was night. But – he won’t be there waiting for me standing next to you this time. You waiting for the prodigal son.

But the time will come when you will have to hug me twice- once fro you and once for my little brother. I love you Mama. And even though I shed tears when I write these things to you, I have to let it out. At least you know my sorrow.

There’s so much I regret- so fucking much! There’s always more good memories of him than regrets. I will forever refuse to let him die. He will go on through us- through your grandchildren and mine- He will surface again. Because we are all forever in eternity.

Your loving son,
Charlie
P.S. You deserve what you desire! You deserve what you desire! You deserve what you desire! You among all people deserve what you desire – what you want wants you!

You are on the right track. Don’t give up! I love you!

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The Good Path

The Good Path
(A Book currently being written by Charlie.)

I am a leaf. You are a leaf. We are a tree.

Imagine a tree, so grand that the number of leaves are uncountable. You might make a guess, but as you think of an estimate- leaves fall and new ones sprout. All shapes, all sizes and every color are there. On some parts it is winter; on some - summer and every season in between. Some parts of this tree are full and robust. Some parts are bare and sickly. But in every part there are always going to be some leaves that stick out from the rest. If you look closely at any section, you will notice it for its seeming perfection. Or the ones that capture your attention might be noticed as the weakest most malformed parts.

You in your mind, as the observer will have an opinion about which leaf is better than another. You will also have an opinion on which leaf is worse than the others. These are all decisions or choices you can make. But what does the tree think of its leaves? Does the tree see imperfect or perfect? Do trees have eyes? The truth is that the tree doesn’t need to see perfect or imperfect and can’t. The tree only feels its leaves. It feels the movement as they grow and move and capture the tree's nourishment.

The truth is that all the leaves on the tree serve their purpose. They all do what they were grown to do. Even as they fall, they will still eventually add to the base of the whole tree ensuring that the tree will be able to use the fallen leaf to grow a brand new leaf in the future.

The tree experiences itself through the movement of its many leaves. It identifies itself through each one as they are all apart of the whole. Every twig and every leaf is guided by the tree, whether they know it or not.

Many of the leaves are far from the main part of the tree. All these ones see are other leaves. They tend to separate each other by making groups- Some by size, some by shape and others by shape. Some leaves group together and only see their stems. Of course, these ones see that there are other leaves, they just choose to ignore the others. They only believe in all those like them and anything different they become blind and ignorant towards.

Eventually in these many groups that separate and come to be in all sections of the tree and will start to define themselves. Similarities inside the group will start to characterize their identities. “We are this and we are that!” New leaves that come to be in that group will be taught this nonsense. Even as the young leaf clearly sees no differences in the groups, blindness will be taught. A choice will be made to close their eyes in order to belong.

Chaos will take hold of these groups as they rustle around completely misguided by their own thoughts of themselves and who in their minds they are. Pride develops, along with hatred and anger, which further defines in their own minds, who they are. They fight with each other- separating farther. More separations occur and then more. Constantly building walls in their thoughts.

Even through all of this taking place the leaves still feed the whole. The tree still guides the leaves. The growth still takes place. Silently everything connected is still being guided.

In a sense you might view the evils occurring around the tree as all starting in the thoughts that were all planted in separate aspects of the whole. Individuality is a veil that falsely blinds the beholder. This lack of connection is only the lack of understanding – a separate leaf or only an extension of the whole tree itself.

Misunderstanding all starts in the minds of the individual. Separate thoughts develop in the minds of separate entities. They clash against each other furthering the separation. If evil lies in the “minds” of the individual, then love lies in the unity of the whole. It is the binding force that connects all separations. The energy that makes all of the leaves lives possible is ever present regardless if they acknowledge it or not.

Every once in a while there are leaves that come into being on every part of the tree. These leaves are able to feel through the walls of separation. They find themselves the binding force. And as they follow the feeling it leads them closer and closer to the truth. They might only see a vast number of leaves with their eyes, but deep down inside of themselves they follow a path of understanding. They feel and can sense that there are no leaves, but rather only different pieces of the whole.

This is the good path, the path of understanding, the path of realization, the unveiling of truth. Everything that they see is an aspect of the whole and the whole is them. They are everything and everything is them. All that breathes is breathing with them. All that lives is living with them. Even the separations are bound together to form the all whether they realize it or not. The separation that occurred with the leaves is equal to the separation of love.

I am a leaf. You are a leaf. We are a tree. We suffer together. We grow together. I feed you and you feed me. The loss of you is felt and the loss of me is felt. Just as every new leaf increases the possibilities of our unified development so it is with us.

The separation of you and I is only in our minds. Look in your heart and you will find everything. Follow your roots and you will find the family tree. This is the good path.

Unify yourself with the Voice inside

Now this separation is easy to define. It is everywhere and easy to comprehend. It is also easy to say something like, ”Well, just let love in and it will bridge a gap between separation”. This is true, but it is pretty vague. It is hard to get over what we have been taught. It’s pretty hard to stop celebrating the differences. It is difficult to free your spirit with the letting go of your minds separation, to let your ego fade. Yet at the same time, it is not. :)

As you start your journey on the right way, there are many distractions outside and within. It’s as if you’re taking a trip to a big city. On the highway, there are many signs and billboards saying, “Next Exit – Food and Gas”. And maybe you’re hungry and you could use more gas. But you are on a deadline and need to arrive at a certain time. Let’s say you’re headed to a family gathering.

You know there will be plenty of food there. You also know that you still have plenty of gas to get you there. You know if you are late, feelings will be hurt and it just won’t be the same without you. But your ego self wants to be satisfied now. Your ego self says, "Who cares!” and you turn off the highway. There is an urge inside of you a felling maybe covered up but still there reminding you of why you are even taking a trip in the first place, but you just dismiss the feeling with a another, “Who cares!” furthering your separations – enjoying the sights and sounds of this current distraction. As you hurt your family, you hurt yourself. In a very real sense, you self-destruct.

There is an “i” in “ego”

The energy inside you is also everything. Your spirit is pure energy in control of your body. The more your spirit only sees through its body’s eyes- the more it makes the eye’s perception the ultimate reality. The ego lies in this limited perception (and is as laughable as the leaves fighting in the tree :).

Imagine a meadow full of grass and flowers (and trees :)). And in the meadow there is a dip in the earth and in the dip water collects. One day clouds roll in, and then some more, until all of the clouds join together and it starts to rain. The many numbers of rain drops collect in the dip and eventually it fills up and forms a pond. To them they start to act like the leaves in the tree. Until one day a rabbit comes to this pond to get a drink. The rabbit does what rabbits do before they get a drink, listens to make sure it is safe before starting to drink. The rabbit begins to hear voices- a great number of voices – all coming from the water! The rabbit is fascinated and moves closer to the pond to make out what the voices are saying. The rabbit hears the arguing of, “I’m a rain drop!” “No, I am a rain drop!” “Neither of you are raindrops - we are!” “We are raindrops!” “No I am!” “No! We are!”

The rabbit gets confused and screams, “Hey, Listen! You are all raindrops and together you are a pond. Ponds are filled with water. Water comes from clouds. Water is in everything that breathes. Water is in me. I drink form the pond. So, you go with me and when I feed my young, you are with them also. So clam yourself raindrops for you are water. And without water there would be no life!”

The pond grew silent as the rabbit drank and the pond was grateful to help continue life. As the rabbit left the clouds came back and a raindrop fell in every section of the pond. The pond said, “Welcome! We are glad you are here to join us!” Each of the raindrops said, “What do you mean join us? I am a raindrop!” That thought of separation is the ego. :)

In the silence that came over the pond after the rabbit spoke- a contagious realization over took each raindrop. Yes, it was true that each was a unique raindrop, but each one was also water. When they let go of the separation of their egos, they combine to the ultimate unity of the pond and were glad to help out the rabbit. They then understood there greater purpose was to help life live. Even when some of the pond was drunk, it hadn’t disappeared. It just changed form and was still helping life in a purposeful way. Even when other raindrops fell into the pond and refused to “join” the pond due to their ignorance of ego – it didn’t matter! They still contributed to the whole of the pond whether they realized it or not.

This is the second section sent to me on 7-22-08

Everyone is a mirror.

People and faces. Emotion and expressions. How often are we able to “see” that someone is happy? When can we “see” that someone is angry? A person makes a configuration with his/her facial muscles and we might say that the person looks really “happy” or the person looks very “angry”. In the many emotions that we feel (the great number of our ego’s states), we can always give an expression to these emotions. People that don’t even know you, can tell if you’re happy or sad – just as you can them.

You can make these judgments based on your own experiences with different feelings. But why- really? Why are you able to base a judgment on current emotional state of someone completely different from you? Why are you able to say, “Well he’s frowning so he must be sad” or “She’s smiling so she must be happy”? You’ve been there before. Yes, this might be true. You understand how that feels, right? But why?

Because the same emotions that are in you can be found in everyone. The emotions are in the same energy. Albeit in different amounts of energy, yet they all stem from inside of us. One of the most important reasons we are able to do this seemingly difficult judgment is very simple. Everyone is a mirror.

It might be hard to be able to look at someone and see yourself. Your eyes might see a person being completely different. “How can this one possibly be seen and understood as me? I mean just look at them and then look at me!” “I’m white. They are black.” “I have brown eyes. He has green.” “I’m a man. That is a woman.” These might seem like huge differences. I find myself from time to time still getting caught up in these concepts of programmed separations. One leaf telling another leaf, “You’re not part of my tree”. It’s pretty funny if you think about it.

“That’s alien to me!”

What if a bunch of aliens from outer space came to earth and watched us. Would these beings see us as different? Could they say, “Well, that’s a Jew and that’s a Muslim” or “That’s and American and that’s a Russian”? I doubt that beings that are intelligent enough to travel to earth, would be dumb enough to classify as into different sects. Immediately we would be referred to as merely “earthlings” or “humans”. I’m sure after we spent time explaining the minute differences to them, they could then separate us. However, to them we would still always be generalized as human.

What if the situation was reversed and we went to another planet and we met a race different from human? Could we recognize their “differences”? Would we see that just because one group lived in a different part of the planet than the other then they were separate? No. They would all be from that planet and all be viewed as that race. So why is it so hard for us to see each other as the same?

Here’s what I would like to see happen. How about the next time that you see someone completely different from you (on the outside) express an emotion, close your eyes. Remember the last time you felt that same way. You don’t have to meditate on it or dwell on it for a long time. Only quickly remember and feel that emotion as yours. Open you eyes and see your “reflected opposite””. That person’s emotion- your emotion- are you able to feel and sense the same energy? You pick it up as they do. Your reactions in receiving the same energy might be different but you and your “reflected opposite” still feel the push and pull of the same energy. It all stems from inside of us regardless of the outside perception of differences. You feel me and I feel you.

Have you ever noticed that when you’re with a group of people that are happy and having fun laughing and smiling, we tend to join in? Let’s reverse the situation. What happens to your emotions when you are amongst a group of sad, depressed and crying people? You get bummed out, right? It’s like a wave that ripples or a sound that reverberates. It’s an emotion = emotional energy = energy That energy is picked up and recognized as yours.

Picking up vibrations like a tuning fork.

Once we recognize and feel each others emotion, we strengthen that energy. Think of a tuning fork vibrating. What causes the vibration is energy. Once another tuning fork touches (or feels) another, it starts vibrating too. They will then vibrate at the same rate in unison. Seemingly different objects - feeling the same sound - the same energy, felt in the same way. Reminds you of something?:)

Our egos on the most basic level are only emotions. Our egos get bruised, boosted and everything in between. We get so caught up in how we feel that we sometimes even go as far as expressing it on our faces. We scrunch up our little mugs or stretch them out. We recognize the expression of emotions on others because we know it in ourselves. However, due to our ego, we like to view ourselves as individuals which enables us to read someone else’s emotion separately from ours. :)

“They are angry!” “They are happy!” Well, if it’s the same energy you feel from other people and if that energy stems from the same place then what you are truly recognizing is your anger and your happiness. When people around you are happy – you too are happy.

When people around you are sad- you too are sad. Our egos are just a bunch of tuning forks waiting to vibrate from the same energy. The stronger the sound, the easier it is to feel. You reflect me and I reflect you. Everyone is a mirror.

Now I am not suggesting you easily drop all of you notions of self (I haven’t). That’s a huge journey that takes many lifetimes to achieve. What I am suggesting is a step into the realization that leaves on a tree may look different up close. But they are still in the same tree. I’m a leaf. You are a leaf. You reflect me and you reflect me.Everyone is a mirror.

Find yourself in others.

So, I’ve written a theme over and over again. I have purposely remixed similar ideas for the benefit of truly grasping and feeling them. I mean the messages sound so simple. You may be thinking, “Yes, We’re the same –I get it!” But there is a difference between knowing, understanding and actually applying that what you “know” and “understand”.

Growing up like most people I learned how to do fractions. Adding, subtracting, multiplying and dividing-once you grasp the concepts- they’re so simple on paper. Sure I knew and understood how the concepts worked, but it wasn’t until my wonderful Mama pulled out the measuring cups before I applied what I had learned by making a cake. I was able to blend all of that knowing and understanding into practice by application. So readers, it is time to pull out the cups and let’s make cake! :)

Tin can phones

Do you remember (or have you ever seen) those tin cans phones children make? The ones where a hole is punched through the bottom of a can, a string inside, the string leads back to another tin can? When the string is pulled tight you are able to hear what is being said in the other tin can. The sending and receiving of emotions are like these toy phones. Your “reflected opposite” is making and creating an energy wave/emotion just as if he/she was speaking into one of the cans. The other end is out there being sent to anyone that will pick it up. When feel the expression of another as your own emotion it is as though you picked up the other tin can.

Imagine…

Let’s imagine you could transform the sound you hear from one end of the tin cans into a solid tone. Solidify it in yourself- breath it- know it as yours. Once you have experienced it- that tone or rather energy now resonates from you as well.

Now follow that solid tone – that energy wave -back through the string to where it began in the person holding the other can (your reflected opposite). Feel it within them. Take your feeling and put it inside of him/her as well. You enter the person and open his/her eyes. Through that person eyes see your own self- your body- holding the tin can. Leave that person and travel back through the string to your self – your body. Can you feel both places in each being as the same?

Now try again. Imagine seeing a person smiling and sending out a wave. Freeze time and travel that same bridge from the smile in you to the smile in him/her. Is there a difference from his/her happiness and yours? Can you not make that exact same smile?

Look around for someone smiling. Watch it very closely and remember how it looks. Then go to a mirror and try to make that same smile. How happy was the person? Was he/she faking? Was it more of a smirk? Show yourself in the mirror that smile. Can you not exude the same feeling/emotion/energy in your own smile?

Imagine further…

Think of a quiet and still pond. Its surface is as smooth as glass some what like a mirror. You and your “reflected opposite” are stand on separate sides of the pond. Now picture a pebble. It may be a small pebble or a large pebble. It may be a smooth pebble or a rough one. There are so many types of pebbles.

Now imagine that pebble as an emotion. Your “reflected opposite” tosses the pebble into the pond and creates a wave. As the wave reaches you, you are able to judge what kind of peddle your “reflected opposite” tossed by size, speed and maybe even the splash of the wave as it reaches you.

Our egos can be as varied as the many types of pebbles. We are constantly changing. Our egos would make different waves depending upon our moods. Depending on the way in which a wave comes to us, we can tell what type of ego made that wave.

What if those pebbles were not really pebbles at all. What if they were raindrops refusing to acknowledge being water? In their refusal to let go of their illusion, they freeze and thaw. They heat up and cool down. They are constantly making waves in the pond.

Whether it is a pebble looking at a pebble or a raindrop looking at a raindrop, we are all making waves in the pond. And everyone is a mirror.

This is the third section sent to me on 9-22-08

What Successes?

What Faults?

Why does it make sense to see others as your self? What sort of benefit does it achieve? There is the oblivious uplifting of consciousness or more precisely, the application of practices such as peace and understanding.

When you see others as yourself, there is no denying another their humanity. Through out the past, whole cultures were dehumanized and it still continues today. But when you can look at others and see yourself, how can we continue to do such dehumanizing in the future? How can we as different aspects of the same, hurt our over all unity?

One and the same, over and over again, in every face, in every race, the same energy that is allowing you to breath, allows me to do the same. Imagine that your breath is my breath. Your smile is my smile. Your pain is my pain. I know it; you know it. These emotions we all share, just the same. There is no “your” energy and “my” energy. There is only energy. This energy beats our hearts. This energy is ours to behold. This energy is in all life. Even as we look around and see rocks, plants, dirt and rain, these things are all being held in this world through universal energy, the life giving, never ending, love of creation.

Forgotten About?

The funny thing about all of this is that things aren’t just created and forgotten. They are forever guided to be all that they were intended to be.

Let’s take into consideration the atom. It is forever moving, the center is constantly being orbited by particles. There are tiny things orbiting around the center protons, electrons and neutrons forever circling the center. What moves these things? It is he same energy that beats our hearts. It is the same energy that allows us to breathe. Take a moment and feel your heart beat. Feel it pump blood all around your body. Take a deep breath and now exhale. These are all everyday things that we do. We don’t even have to think about them. They just happen. There is no “your” energy and no “my” energy. There is only the same energy.

The creator is always with us, guiding us to be all that we are. The creator guides us to our destined path. Even though we may choose anything, our destiny is to be all that we are intended to be. We choose life. We come into this world with purpose. We continue in this world with purpose. As you read this there is purpose.

Same Energy, Different leaf

The focusing of energy creates purpose. Just as the focusing of the creator’s love allows us to be and is constantly in us. We are in essence we are the creator, in the way that we are different aspects of the same energy. Not to give anyone a God complex or anything. :)

Let’s go back to the tree metaphor with you and I both being leaves. We might be able to accept our creator as the roots of all; constantly giving to every leaf. Has there ever been a forgotten leaf? Does it not feed and constantly nourish all? Do you understand the connection? Through the creator we are the same.

This connection to the Universal creative force, allows us to feel the same emotions. This connection allows us to see through the imagined separation and see and feel and be each other.

Through this connection whatever we capture and harness we send back to the roots, back to our creator, back to our constant guide. The creator gives us what we need in order to be the best us –es. :) We are constantly FILLED WITH ENERGY. It moves us, beats our hearts and always us to love.

So Different?

So, as we look around these different aspects throughout the world, we can always find someone better off than we are or worse off. What is it that separates these two? If we took a rich person and a homeless person and sat them next to each other, what are the differences between them? Maybe clean one is clean and one is dirty. The amount of money they have is different. We could point of a vast number of differences form out outside point of view. But remember we are all the same. Both of these people feel the same emotions. Their hearts beat with the same universal energy. Their lungs take in air in the same way. Their brains both fire neuron to neuron. The only true difference is the way they use the universal source within themselves, their frames of mind, their models of the world, their interaction with other energies. Plainly put, their egos, their personalities take on how the world works through their perceived separation.

Think of the most successful person you know. (Success can be anything you deem as such. It doesn’t have to be material- only useful in this step of making our case). Hold this successful person in your mind. Think of their personality. Think of how they act. Think of the energy that they exude. Now present this person with an obstacle, a trial, something unpleasant. How does he/she react to it?

Being the person you know them to be, how does he/she respond? Is it the end of him/her? No. Will he/she get through it? Yes. Otherwise, they wouldn’t be who he/she is.

Now think of the opposite aspect. Someone down on his luck all of the time. You wouldn’t call them successful. Present that person with the same obstacles, unpleasant things and how does he/she react? What is her/his response to that situation of trial?

Do you see the difference? The separation in different or should I say their perceived separation is different. They both have the same capable energy within themselves, but they each use it differently. They manipulate this energy with different thought patterns. The same obstacle could seem life threatening or insignificant. It could be seen as a major stumbling block or just a crack to step over.

The only true thing that separates them is in their minds. They are both from the same source and will eventually return to ti. They both receive the same base energy. They manipulate the input and output differently, but only in the power of their minds.

Using the word “mind” doesn’t convey, what is truly taking place though. Yes, their minds , but there is more to it than that; it also includes there egos, their personalities.

We all respond to situations differently. The pull and push of an emotion effects our “minds” or egos differently and our “personalities react differently. But even more so with our different intake/out take of the same energy, we create in our own distinctive manipulations. Simply said, with the state of our egos or frames of mind, we exude different energy and like attracts like ― the law of attraction. If you think you are going to have a shitty day, guess what? If you think you are going to have a wonderful day, guess what?

Cyclic Sending and Receiving

Thinking certain things is very beneficial to receive energy associated with those things. We send out energy patterns to the universe and the energy that is the creative force. We are always in contact, receiving and sending energy back and forth. The universe wants us to have what we ask for, in order to help us to learn. So, if we are thinking negative thoughts, the universe says, Okay. That is what they want.” And more of the same comes your way.

It is important to remember that a spark of energy on the same level as our creator resides in each of us. We manipulate that energy with our thoughts/emotions, ego and as we act we create! We constantly broadcast our manipulations out into the structure of perceivable matter and beyond. This broadcast of energy is sent out as a beacon throughout the entire universe or universal force.

Just like radar bounces sound off of an object, so does our own broadcast bounce back from the infinite source. What we send out we also receive. So out of the present now and with “our” manipulated energy we are always in a state of creation.

The world in which you perceive is your creation and in the creation is the potential for growth and learning. The opportunities to learn and grow are forever present, in all that ever happened, is happening or will happen; this is never ending.

So as we start to see through the illusion and feel through the separation, I hope you can truly understand that we are the same. The only difference between success and failure is our own interpretation of situational energy.

So imagine…

I would like you to try something. You are the only one that truly knows yourself (at least here :) ). You know your strengths and your faults. You know what you want to be and what you don’t want to be. You know how you want to respond and how you don’t. There is what you wish you would do and then what you really do. So imagine a person surrounded by all they ever desired. All your wishes ― this person has made come true. They are just what you consider successful and happy. They react to events in all the ways you desired you did or that you wish you would. They are the epitome of all you ever hoped to be.

Picture this person in your mind. Feel the energy they exude. This successful person, happy, fulfilled and confident, reacts to the world in a manner that someone in our “situation” would. Can you see them?

Now what is the difference between that person and you?

Just as you are able to put yourself in the same states of “others” emotions (or another’s state of mind/ego), you are just as easily able to put yourself in this made up person in your mind. This illusion of separation is just in your mind. Drop the veil and feel this person. With the same interpreted energy, you are this person. You are able to manipulate energy in anyway you choose. So why not act and react the way successful, happy, loving people do?

Energy = Frequency

As we alter our own radar sound, we bounce back to the source. The source says, “Okay. So, this is he/she wants or more precisely this is what he/she wants to learn.” You change your energy. You raise the frequency.

All of the events and situations, people and things that were attracted to you with all of your faults will no longer fit. New things that the old energy brought won’t come. With new energy comes a new world.

We all hone our own interpretations of what the world is. We all create that model and act accordingly. But as we raise our interpretations, we raise our energy. We find the positive purpose in all. Everywhere there is learning and within you is the understanding.

The more leaves/people who raise their energy, the more others will feel the strength in our unity. They will ask, “Why is this “new” person always reaping the benefits of all situations? Why is everyone happy and confident and loving?”

Together, we create the world. So, what would you like to make?

Out with the old way of thinking ― No more negative interpretations of the world ― No more feeling alone.

As you raise your energy, you also raise the world. The more that individuals change their own old interpretations/energy, the more unifying movement alters our collective consciousness as a whole. So, as you raise your energy, you also raise mine and all of the tree benefits. You are me and I am you. Just feel the love binds us all and allow it to raise us all. Together, we create the world. So, what would you like to make?

This is the fourth section sent to me on 1-12-09

Lessons and Attitudes.

There are lessons around us always. Some are little ones that will eventually lead to something great and profound. Maybe some great Earth shattering lessons will change your life – but as you apply what you have learned it becomes common sense and won’t seem so great and profound after a while. These lessons come in all forms, shapes and sizes. They constantly present themselves over and over again in a never ending stream of opportunity.

Now how beautiful is that!? Whatever you are going through, you were meant to. All the situations you deem good or bad were presented to you to teach yourself something. The funny part is that it is up to you to decide what that lesson is!

Imagine that you’re trying to teach something to someone. You love this person and wish only the best fro them. But for whatever reason you can’t just come out and tell them directly because it won’t work that way. So out of love, you set up a bunch of situations that clearly give the lesson meant to be learned (from your perspective at least). So out of love for this person, you constantly set up different scenarios to teach them. But it’s a hit and miss sort of thing. Sometimes they get it and sometimes they don’t.

That’s what the universal Force, the Creator, does for us on a daily basis. Well, even more than that –second by second! How beautiful is that? Think about it. The universe, the whole universal force cares about you and loves you so much that you are always given these learning opportunities. That there is an awesome thing for sure!

Let’s go back to you doing this whole “Master Plan” for someone else. What if after giving all of your effort and all of you love, the person ignores you? Ignored all of the teachings he/she stumbles upon. Even when you put obvious signs in front of them over and over again, all of your work and effort is just written off as coincidence.

However, you love him/her unconditionally. The person is a piece of you. So you just keep on. You know all of his/her potential for greatness and all that that person could be if he/she would just open her/his eyes. So here the person blindly bumps into one unlearned lesson into another. When all that he/she needs to do is just open her/his eyes! The kicker is that some important lesson should have been learned and applied years ago, comes up again. You know it is important for the person to learn it now because it will help the person with something in the future. So here you go, having to bring back some old situation once again. The person blindly calls out, “Why does this keep happening to me?” You may be thinking what an ingrate, right? Ha!

That person that is loved unconditionally is you. That person that sees sometimes (but not always) is you. But you are not alone, everyone blinks now and then. J I’m very sure that most everyone has asked at one time or another, “Why does this keep happening to me?” Were we taking it the wrong way? The whole time did we not see something that needed to be seen?

So ask yourself right now, with whatever it is your situation may be, why is it this way? What learning opportunity is there in this? Maybe it’s bad to you or good to you, but why?

Do we want to be the ignorant and ungrateful? Let us open our eyes and this moment and look back at all of the situations in the past. Whether they were good or bad, how did we grow? We got through it, right?

You definitely would not be the person striving to be more, the wonderful leaf that you are now. It’s very impressive that you so far have chosen to be more. You have chosen to grow through experience. You chose to be the person that you are now. You chose to rally against all of the negatives that you could have identified with and became more than that. Love is with you. Love is always present and always guiding.

To bloom or not bloom?

We are born like flowers ready to bloom. Through life’s lessons, we choose to blossom or not. It is the flowers choice to face the sun’s loving rays or not. Everyday, we have the opportunity to let universal force open us. We have the choice to blossom and radiate out embracing what the sun throws at us. Or we can choose to barely open or not open at all and never fully become all that we are intended to be. The potential is ever present to accept the learning experience. We can always choose to not complain about whatever comes our way. We can always choose to open our eyes and look for the signs leading us each down the good path. This is our choice. We can accept that all of life’s situations are stemming from love and are the best way to learn or we can ask, “Why me?” and complain.

These choices are constantly with us. It becomes easier to not see any choice when we are blinded by the wall of emotional states. How your ego feels and what your outlook or attitude is.

“I see”, said the blind man.

When something you deem as bad comes along, that negative blinds you. Something happens and you associate it with all the “bad” thoughts you have. That much negative builds a wall and blocks you. It’s very easy to just let go and have that negative spiral out of control. One bad thought leads to another. We can get caught up very easily on pointing out the negative aspects of everything. All of this came from one misunderstood gift.

We have all done it. Hit this wall we’ve created for ourselves. This is just one example of interpreted situational energy. We are given the gift and the energy associated with it and we are able to transform it any way we want. We choose how we learn.

When we react without using our immediate emotions, it is easier to see clearly. Just take a second to understand a bit. Freeze time and look at yourself. What’s in control of the situation? Is it your blind ego or is it the wisdom from your spirit?

Ego = your perception of you

You ego, your definition of yourself is always temporary. Just as your emotions always change form one to the next in a flash, your definition of “you” can switch just as fast.

Look back at yourself 7 years ago. Were you the same then as you are now? Would you have done things differently being the person you are now? Do you laugh and how that person reacted? Your ego is always temporary. We all want to identify with ideals that we want to exude, but they change don’t they?

Your ego is the cage which holds your spirit. It is a box which we think in. But when we don’t let our egos control us, we begin to see the box for what it is. We can easily switch our thinking when we are not being bound by the previous cage. Think outside of the box! J We become free to focus on new fresh ideas. Thoughts that are stronger and more able to accept the lessons we should have been learning the whole time. Just as we look back on ourselves and laugh, step out the cage and look at the box and laugh. Things look different in that cell don’t they?

So just step back from immediate reactions. Start off slowly, one at a time. Clearly you will begin to see the purpose. You will begin to learn the lessons you were meant to. The next time you ask, “Why me?” with any situation, you’ll already know the answer – because you are loved more than you’ll ever know. The whole universal force is with you constantly – always there – always providing you with gifts. These gifts are ever present just awaiting your perception. They are much easier to see when we perceive them as positive.

Greater than the mere thought of chance

Think of a couple who years ago found their love in each other. All of these situations in their lives lead them to a particular point in time, a specific place where they met. One choice leads to another. One positive perception leads to another and they end up still being married after 50 years. Would the people say that their meeting was coincidental? Ask anyone in this situation that they perceive as positive, anyone that has that glow of love if it was coincidence or if it was fate? Go ahead and ask any person in a full loving relationship- was it a roll of the dice or destiny?

These people were perceptive enough to realize the gift that they were being presented with. They chose to see all the positively in their given situation. They could have just as easily chosen to not see their options. They could have chosen to not see this life changing opportunity.

Think about it. Go back and remember the last time something wonderful happened or the last time your life changed for the better. Some situation presented itself and what happened? Was that a coincidence or were you guided to that point. You chose to make what ever it was a positive.

“…you are loved, more than you realize.”

These opportunities are around us always. We can open our eyes and see- accepting that everything is for purpose. The purpose is to grow. Or can stumble on blindly with our narrow sight contrived. No matter what you choose the choice is always present – always constant. Chose to live or nearly exist, problem or a gift?

The more of us here that chose to grow the greater we all become. Your energy is felt throughout all humanity and all those who have gone before traveling the good path encourage others with the greatest on intention. You not only tap into past energy of growth, you add to it. With your additions, those who will walk after you may feel the truth easier. One Earth shattering, life changing lesson learned, becomes only common sense. What you struggle to understand, your children may grasp with ease. Why? Because you are loved, more than you realize.

The future is in your choices made now. Not only your future, but the future of the whole is affected with or without your addition. You are always welcomed on the good path. The choice is yours. What do you choose?

This is the fifth section sent to me on 3-20-09

Innocent and Untouched

You and I were born for this world in the same way. In fact, everyone was. We all are brought in without any concepts of the world or ourselves. We were innocent and untouched. Our eternal light had a fresh shine to it. We were all bathed in pure eternal energy given to us through the universal force.

We were all wearing the bodies made for us and nothing else. Free from the mental shells that we eventually build for ourselves. We were as fluid as our souls, without the need for any sort of covering. Yet, just as we are born naked, it is the world we live in that tells us we need to cloth ourselves.

The covering begins

Over time, we begin to piece together the clothing we wear. We are “taught” about the world and stick together concepts and stack together different energies. We say, “This is me” and “this is not me.” We generate a collage of concepts and absorb traits. This collection of thought generates particular energies that encapsulate our fluid spirit. The clothing of our innocence hardens to a specific model of who we are and how we view the world. Our ego is born.

It’s sort of funny that in order to fit in, one has to conform to an identity. Imagine you’re at a restaurant and a nude person comes and sits down and tries to order some food. I’m sure the majority of people would be shocked. Why is it though? We all have bodies. We are all human. They are the same as you and I.

So you are at the same restaurant and the same person walks in again. This time he/she is fully clothed. Would you even notice them? When clothed, the person creates a separation and “fits in”. When clothed, one can easily distinguish others as separate from ourselves. Even if sometimes the separation (identity) is to be just like everyone else. It is a concept of separation this idea of a “you” and a “me”. The variations of “I” are models in which our encapsulated souls interpret the world through.

We are all the same, walking around with our similarities covered up. We hide our humanity from one another, showing off our separations through different fashioned shells. We are so proud of our imagined differences. We can easily say that “this one dresses like a bum of “that one looks successful”. We go on believing this illusion.

Dressed up Dogs

What if we dressed up a bunch of dogs in different clothes? Then imagine that we sit back and watch as some of the dogs strut around puffing up their little dog chests, as others bow their heads down in slump around in shame. The various reactions are a result from wearing different clothes. Would wearing clothes make them any less a canine? This is a similar scenario to what we humans are doing.

The fabric of our imagined self is stitched together piece by piece. It is built brick by brick; every thought hardening the model of “I” and binding the adaptability of our spirit.

This imaged self becomes apparent in others as we can easily point out others flaws. We can get a clear perspective of how others models are broken. It becomes very simple and easy to see how and what we would “fix” another persons image. However, it can be very difficult to see ourselves in that same manner.

There is no difference between others and us. Our models are also hardened; they are broken just like everyone's. Yet, we identify with our blurred sense of self so faithfully that we can’t see the mirror and the reflection of ourselves.

So the questions get formed: How can we save ourselves form our own blindness? How does one trim down the thick layer of self and be enabled to see one’s own flaws clearly? Can we take off our jacketed self and see and better way of wearing it?

"Stepping back" exercise

Whatever you are doing right now, stop. Freeze it. Describe the frozen situation in 3^rd person. What ever you are feeling, also describe this in 3^rd person. Say out loud, in your head –whichever you prefer. For example: “(Your name) is reading the Good Path. (Your name) is feeling _______________.”

Look at your hand and say, “(Your name) is looking at his/her hand.” Make a fist and say, “(Your name) is making a fist. Now relax your hand and say, “(Your name) has just relaxed his/her hand.” This might seem a bit bizarre at first. It might feel a bit strange, that’s fine, though. It should be weird. Say, “(Your name) feels weird, strange.” :)

Try to continue this exercise of 3^rd person viewing throughout the day. It may be difficult at first, but as with most things it will become easier the more often you try. It is important to focus on the activity, then the feeling that comes or rather the reactions to situations. “(Your name) is doing__________. (Your name) is feeling __________. (Your name) did this because of __________.”

Practicing this stepping back exercise gradually allows us to detach from our covering and enables us to see more clearly. Once we begin to be comfortable separating through this perception, we can witness our ego as it relates to the world. Pay special attention to how (Your name) reacts.

From 3^rd person point of view can you see a better way? How could (Your name) improve his/her interactions? What are the flaws of (Your name)?

As we witness other models interact and react with the world, we more easily see what “we” would do. What is it that separates “them from “you”? As we witness our own model, we can begin to recognize its flaws. We can easily see what (Your name) “should” do. We can see how it could be improved. What would we like it be?

The more we step away from the hardness of our shells, the more we return to the fluid essence of our eternal. The true you is not (Your name). It is only model – a devise for your higher self to learn through.

Without growth, there is only existence.

Do we come into this being to only exist? Or do we come into this being in order to live? Without growth, there is no life, only existence. We see life only through versions of ourselves. Yet, these eyes are temporary and not in control. So when something is experiences through the model and we respond through the ridged self, how can we grow? Clarity softness the self and allows the spirit to flow more easily. You can adapt to every movement possible.

BOOM! Something happens. Step back and see the options (Your name) has. How many directions can (Your name) take? From a fluid vantage point your higher self can choose the best way to respond in order to generate the most positive. This clarity resides in all of us. With the clarity, we were brought into this world. All we need to do is step back and consult our center.

The more you practice this, the more your hardness begins to soften. Your ego becomes more pliable. Your spirit stops being lead and the eternal true you becomes the guide. Yet, if we remain rigid, we also remain stuck in the past. The good path urges you forward. This is the way of growth.

The more of us that turn our focus forward, the greater our future can become. Yours, mine, in effect the whole of the earth. We as a whole rise above the out-dated models of what should be. We become more than the rigid ever thought possible. The application of a pliable self up lifts our higher energies. This upliftment, acts as a contagious fire, an inspirational beacon to humanity. It feels like a home we all feel in the center of ourselves.

Progression is our Destiny

The good path urges you to walk forward. Your growth shines a positive light on each other and harmoniously strengthens the love we were brought into being with. Progression is our destiny. It is a fact that the whole planet is moving to align itself on the correct directional path. This is the way of the future and the future is spirit not self. It is our focus that either helps or impedes the way of the world.

Letters to Mama from Prison