Saturday, June 21, 2008
3-09-04
Mama,
Well I got your stuff.:) It made my day. I'm sending a picture to you. I took it a couple of days ago. It cost $2.00 and I didn't know what to do with it. It's a horrible picture, but you've seen me look worse. [It is a picture of him standing there in his orange outfit. His shoulders are drooping and he is holding his hands together. His face looks very pale and his hair has grown out. But he has a little grin on his face. Looking at him I can hear, "Hi Mama-wish i could come home."] It's not like glamour shots in here, but I think the orange brings out the criminal in me :) JOKE! Ha Ha. I guess it's not that funny but...
All of the pictures made me happy. It's gorgeous out there. You look pretty too - like a truly happy smile. I'm glad to see you closer to your dreams. I'm proud of you. :) I love you Mama.
I was showing off your stuff to my cellie. My chest was all puffed out. My mom the millionaire! :)
I'm sorry you've been worrying about me. I am okay and I feel more and more at peace by the days. Your prayers must be working. :) I hope you can feel mine. Something is making me strong spiritually. Incredibly strong. The sobriety is amazing. I feel like I can look down on everybody from the spirit world. I've been reading about Zen and Buddha - like 4 books. I have read Hopi stories; they all involve a coyote. I've read almost every Indian book in the library.
So, I read, sleep and watch some t.v. - O.K. - a lot of t.v. but I sleep alot! My cellie says that i talk in my sleep. So, when I wake up he tells me what i said. It helps me remember certain parts of my dreams. I gave him a speech on dreams as de-ja-vous. So now he tells me his dreams -asking me what they mean. :) Like i know-it's really annoying.
As it turns out his brother died awhile back and guess what his name was - Yep- Jesse! Krazy , huh? He is a good tatoo artist - I'm sorry but i got a couple :{ I just can't help myself. I mean there's nothing to do sometimes and they're not where you can see them. They're on my legs back and shoulders. I drew up these cool designs and and well...and now chest!
My cellie is a dick though. He is a sad and pitiful soul. I pity him - poor bastard. I cant wait for him to leave! The tatoos are not half bad. The on on my back hurt real bad but not half as bad as the one over my nipple. But, no pain no gain. :) All right enough pissing you off.
Every other Saturday we - the natives- sorry Mama - I know I'm Irish but the white boys don't run their people good. [I am white and his father is native american.] We get together for sweat lodge. It's Kool. I look forward to it. We get to come outside and start a fire and hit the peace pipe. :) and sweat. There's a big drum and I'm learing to sing Pow-wow songs. So, we just get our first practice and I felt like a real Indian. :)
There wasn't too many of us in county so i feel accepted. Anyways we wer smudging oursleves in the circle. I blessed myself and and out of no where this butterfly came flying around. Everybody saw it. I had just got done saying a paryer and it landed on me. I was just staring at it for like 5 minutes. It's wing had a hole in it and I thought of it as an answer to my prayers.
Later on, I was just staring at the sun and i kind of clapped my hands together. I opened them slowly and this little gnat came outas if I had just created the bug. I felt extra special. :) It was a weird day.
This super bowl was the best one ever! :) Now, I love half-time:) Anyways :) I've been listening to my "spirit guide". It comes to me in the morinig. I aske him questions and I get answers. If not automatically- then soon its like this voice. I wonder who it could be? I feel stupid because he has been there all along. I just would pass it off as something else - but other people can hear it too. I know it sounds crazy. But, the only one who wouldn't think that i am insane is you. You have always been my spiritual guide here and my own personal counselor. So, I feel safe to say these things to you.
I don't like getting up for breakfast at 5:30. So, I'm always laying there trying to imagine what's for breakfast in and out of dreamland. I hear a voice say,"French Toast". I think, "Mmmmm..French Toast". It 's the only thing that I will get up fro. So, when i get up and get to the cage, sure enough- FRENCH TOAST!!
A couple of days ago, my cellie woke up and turned on the t.v.. A thought came to me, " I wonder what's for chow?" I opened my eyes and saw a commercial for French toast. I think it is Jesse. [His younger brother that has passed away.] Sometimes, i see things that are funny and hear something he would say and laugh. I will hear the voice and refrain from repeating it and then someone else says it. Crazy! If I fell like I need sometihng done pronto- I ask him- I tell him directly "I need your help" I usually feel better immediately.
Your letters help me. I will start to feel sad and say to myself, " I hope I get a letter today- just like today. I try not to focus on it - I hate disappointment. There's a dog on t.v. that looks like Chopper :) I miss that dog!
I hate Tucson! I hate prison-FUCK! Sometimes i just want o SCREAM! I just want ot be alone my cellie is so annoying! I am starting to hate hime. Everything is so negative. I don't like talking to him. Oh well, only 6 more years :(
I love you Mama. I miss your words, hugs and food. I feel so lonely without you around. Being out of touch sucks! you always know what to say. I miss your laugh and smile. I miss my Mama
:(
All I need is you, your parents and Chopper! :) I guess Chris:) That fucking banker hasn't written me anything! I sent two letters to him and two to my Dad too. Like father like son I guess.
I don't really think I'm goiong to be in here for 6 more years. I have to hope -like an idiot-Do you think it's dumb? A part of me says it is. Deep down inside, I smile and I have this reassurancee that it's nont that bad. I mean boht parts of me agree that I'm going to be okay. But that smile almost makes me feel like I'm in for a surprise.
I want my own t.v. and radio so that i can tune this asshole I live with -out! Someitmes, I think he's coming aroud being cool -nope! poor miserable thing.! He was raised so wrong. The world would be a better place without him in ti. People like him should be in prison. Ugly, snaggle toothed fuck! AHHHHHH! Shit.
I want to go home so bad but the phrase"home" ia a long ago saying. I miss the old house, my room, the back yard. Jesse.
Sometimes, I dream of the old house. There's always bizarre dreams though. My slumber adventures have become very abstract.
Last night i dreamt of a kachina called Koy-yo-mut-vi. He was helping me out. It looked like this: [He draw a picture of his mask] I was hoping to speak Hopi to him. He was my buddy and there was something very familiar about him. I don't know if it is a real Kachina or not. So, on wednesday I'm going to look in the library and see if he's real or not - see what he represents.
The night before last I dreamt about my second born. It was a another girl. But she had dark hair and dark eyes. Bertha [his paternal grandmohter's sister] was holding her and she was crying. So, i took my baby from her to comfort and hold:) She was cute but fussy.
My dreams have been telling me to not be with Lacey- that she will hurt me. It sure would make me more happy if she would write. Prison is lonely. Street love is fake. Go away for a couple of years and you'll see what's real. I miss love. I miss happiness. I miss searching for the one. I really miss writing love letters. Even without a response, I knew the recipient would never get another letter that would compare to my majestic flowing words. :)
Life will go on. There will be others- better than the ones in the past. Life will go on. I am just lonely. I never really fell complete without a partner. I ma so afraid of being alone. I wouldn't consider myself co-dependent, just scared.
I want too much. I wish they would go away- my fears. I have all i need. I want what i don't have-isn't that always the case? I am enclosing a picture of me all decked out in orange. It's the new fad didn't you know? I hate the picture.
I saw on the news that if you take boiling hot water and throw it into the air - like where you live, it turns into snow. Try it and see if it works.
When I get out, I am going to blow the world away. I am going to be extra picky with my women too - no offense but woman are an evil race!
I want to enroll in a college somewhere and learn. I feel so stifled in here. Being surrounded by idiot is awful. With every conversation, I fell my I.Q>.drop a couple of points. It is almost like I have to learn to be dumb. Ha!
Karma is a bitch! This picture of Chopper - he looks sad. Will you send me one where he is smiling? Maybe one of you and Mitch together with the dog?
I'm reading this book on spirits. There's this part about ITC or Instrumental Transcommunication. It's about spirit communication through electronics. Did you know that Edison was experimenting with ITC before his death in 1931? And he supposedly came back to confirm his hypothosis? - Along w/Einstein, Jules Vern, Madame Curie and Michael London? it made me think of my own experiences when staying at Sarah's. I was watching t.v. and was flipping through channels when i heard, " You-(channel one)- will- (channel 2) be - in jail on your birhtday. But the words were on different channels. I got up and hugged and kissed Sarah. Two weeks later, it came true.
This book is interesting. Its go a commentary from Dr. Bruce Goldberg. I heard him on "coast to coast". Maybe you could send me a book written by him? Anyways, whenever, a poltergeist-german for throwing things- :) comes into play- ther'es always a child/teenager in the house. It is usually a girl about to or going through puberty. Research has shown that at those times in a persons life - they have more raw psychic energy then any other time in thier life. Stress and plutonium :) It's a real interesting book. I read it like two days ago. I think you would get a kick out of this book. The explanations for spirits, demons, spirit parasites that follow stories that relate to the classification of the enities. They are things and I - and you somehow knew! Remember, all of the talks on spirits/demons. angels and auras? I mean over the years you have taught us boys a lot. What i didn't hear from you - I came to my own conclusions and explanations. And in this book, it's like saying the same thing - I mean the same shit! It made me feel more sane than ever. It even gives you ways to re-energize your own aura. When you think that thoughts aren't yours- well just read it , okay? It is called "Shadow World" by Brad Sieger. I feel like a spiritiual gunius because of you! Thanks!
Anyways - the books i have been reading are really cool. My cellie just got his property and he has this dream book. All of the bizarre dreams I have been having are good omens. I was flipping through it and it made me happy. They are all good dreams. It is now the 24th of Feb. I got another letter from you today. Thanks. It might take me a couple days to send this"book" to you. I don't have any stamps or envelopes. I am waiting for some $. All of the jobs in the kitchen are taken- the ones for Indians andyways. The jobs all have to be racially balanced. I mean talk about affirmative action.
I need your SSN# to get you on the visiting list. You have to be approved- Can any of your #'s be accepted for collect calls? If so, which one. Or also what year were you born? I will need your birthday too.
No, I don't have a tape player. I am waiting for $$ -my Dad forgot about me. I was hoping to get my pictures from him...but. Chris was suppose to write me too. :( Anyways send me tapes anyways cause it will take a while. Thanks.
I am glad christifer is going to see you - that will be good. I miss you both and I am glad you are going to see each other.I love you and I hoe everything is okay. Give Chopper a hug for me.
As far as giving my address to people the more the merrier! Just don't show this shit picture. I am in line for another one. You can put the other one at your desk or something. Stay safe and happy you are in my thoughts and prayers.
Will you tell Chris to write me. I miss him so much. I need him more in my life than ever. I want him to not think he is an only child :)
I love you and misss you. Don't ever forget that okay?
Your wonderful, loving, good looking son :)
Charlie
P.S. Send me some more letters! I live for them. There is nothing like hearing a letter slide under the door.
Oh and could you send books, mags. and tapes? The same way you addressit on the letters you could get me some grafitti magazines like "art crimes".
[This other letter was in with this envelope.]
Mama,
Well, it's March 3rd and I just got some stamps so I thought that I should write you. I have to put 2 stamps on this envelope so one more letter wont hurt.
I'm bored and lonely and I only have this shit picture to send to you. I got some store today so I won't be hungry at night. I got some stamps and envelopes and soap and shit like that.
In November, my masterbating cellie will go away. Oh what a wonderful day that will be! I am counting down the months. Can you believe its already been 3 months since I've been here? In another 8 months, I will havew a new cellie. Hopefully, one that doesn't talk shit and masterbate, constantly. I am really starting to hate him!
Any way, I read this book called "Tonto and the lone ranger fist fighting in Heaven". It's kind of depressing. The writer is from washington, He's a Spokane Couer d' alan Indian. He's laways going off to on Spokane. The whole book is based on Spokane. what are the odds?
Anyway you said chris was giong there today. I hope he has a good time. It willbe good for you both to see each other. I heard from my Dad, that Chris fucked up real bad (trying to be like me). He needs some encouraging words. Please give him a hug for me. I love you both.
I love you Mama. and i wish I could talk to you. Thanks for the letters please send more.
Nothing much here. I've been learning pow-wow songs and singing at the sweat. It's cool. I will sing them to you when I get out.
My love and prayers go out to you nightly. Kiss Chopper for me and give him a bath for me.
I love you.
Your son,
Charlie
Well I got your stuff.:) It made my day. I'm sending a picture to you. I took it a couple of days ago. It cost $2.00 and I didn't know what to do with it. It's a horrible picture, but you've seen me look worse. [It is a picture of him standing there in his orange outfit. His shoulders are drooping and he is holding his hands together. His face looks very pale and his hair has grown out. But he has a little grin on his face. Looking at him I can hear, "Hi Mama-wish i could come home."] It's not like glamour shots in here, but I think the orange brings out the criminal in me :) JOKE! Ha Ha. I guess it's not that funny but...
All of the pictures made me happy. It's gorgeous out there. You look pretty too - like a truly happy smile. I'm glad to see you closer to your dreams. I'm proud of you. :) I love you Mama.
I was showing off your stuff to my cellie. My chest was all puffed out. My mom the millionaire! :)
I'm sorry you've been worrying about me. I am okay and I feel more and more at peace by the days. Your prayers must be working. :) I hope you can feel mine. Something is making me strong spiritually. Incredibly strong. The sobriety is amazing. I feel like I can look down on everybody from the spirit world. I've been reading about Zen and Buddha - like 4 books. I have read Hopi stories; they all involve a coyote. I've read almost every Indian book in the library.
So, I read, sleep and watch some t.v. - O.K. - a lot of t.v. but I sleep alot! My cellie says that i talk in my sleep. So, when I wake up he tells me what i said. It helps me remember certain parts of my dreams. I gave him a speech on dreams as de-ja-vous. So now he tells me his dreams -asking me what they mean. :) Like i know-it's really annoying.
As it turns out his brother died awhile back and guess what his name was - Yep- Jesse! Krazy , huh? He is a good tatoo artist - I'm sorry but i got a couple :{ I just can't help myself. I mean there's nothing to do sometimes and they're not where you can see them. They're on my legs back and shoulders. I drew up these cool designs and and well...and now chest!
My cellie is a dick though. He is a sad and pitiful soul. I pity him - poor bastard. I cant wait for him to leave! The tatoos are not half bad. The on on my back hurt real bad but not half as bad as the one over my nipple. But, no pain no gain. :) All right enough pissing you off.
Every other Saturday we - the natives- sorry Mama - I know I'm Irish but the white boys don't run their people good. [I am white and his father is native american.] We get together for sweat lodge. It's Kool. I look forward to it. We get to come outside and start a fire and hit the peace pipe. :) and sweat. There's a big drum and I'm learing to sing Pow-wow songs. So, we just get our first practice and I felt like a real Indian. :)
There wasn't too many of us in county so i feel accepted. Anyways we wer smudging oursleves in the circle. I blessed myself and and out of no where this butterfly came flying around. Everybody saw it. I had just got done saying a paryer and it landed on me. I was just staring at it for like 5 minutes. It's wing had a hole in it and I thought of it as an answer to my prayers.
Later on, I was just staring at the sun and i kind of clapped my hands together. I opened them slowly and this little gnat came outas if I had just created the bug. I felt extra special. :) It was a weird day.
This super bowl was the best one ever! :) Now, I love half-time:) Anyways :) I've been listening to my "spirit guide". It comes to me in the morinig. I aske him questions and I get answers. If not automatically- then soon its like this voice. I wonder who it could be? I feel stupid because he has been there all along. I just would pass it off as something else - but other people can hear it too. I know it sounds crazy. But, the only one who wouldn't think that i am insane is you. You have always been my spiritual guide here and my own personal counselor. So, I feel safe to say these things to you.
I don't like getting up for breakfast at 5:30. So, I'm always laying there trying to imagine what's for breakfast in and out of dreamland. I hear a voice say,"French Toast". I think, "Mmmmm..French Toast". It 's the only thing that I will get up fro. So, when i get up and get to the cage, sure enough- FRENCH TOAST!!
A couple of days ago, my cellie woke up and turned on the t.v.. A thought came to me, " I wonder what's for chow?" I opened my eyes and saw a commercial for French toast. I think it is Jesse. [His younger brother that has passed away.] Sometimes, i see things that are funny and hear something he would say and laugh. I will hear the voice and refrain from repeating it and then someone else says it. Crazy! If I fell like I need sometihng done pronto- I ask him- I tell him directly "I need your help" I usually feel better immediately.
Your letters help me. I will start to feel sad and say to myself, " I hope I get a letter today- just like today. I try not to focus on it - I hate disappointment. There's a dog on t.v. that looks like Chopper :) I miss that dog!
I hate Tucson! I hate prison-FUCK! Sometimes i just want o SCREAM! I just want ot be alone my cellie is so annoying! I am starting to hate hime. Everything is so negative. I don't like talking to him. Oh well, only 6 more years :(
I love you Mama. I miss your words, hugs and food. I feel so lonely without you around. Being out of touch sucks! you always know what to say. I miss your laugh and smile. I miss my Mama
:(
All I need is you, your parents and Chopper! :) I guess Chris:) That fucking banker hasn't written me anything! I sent two letters to him and two to my Dad too. Like father like son I guess.
I don't really think I'm goiong to be in here for 6 more years. I have to hope -like an idiot-Do you think it's dumb? A part of me says it is. Deep down inside, I smile and I have this reassurancee that it's nont that bad. I mean boht parts of me agree that I'm going to be okay. But that smile almost makes me feel like I'm in for a surprise.
I want my own t.v. and radio so that i can tune this asshole I live with -out! Someitmes, I think he's coming aroud being cool -nope! poor miserable thing.! He was raised so wrong. The world would be a better place without him in ti. People like him should be in prison. Ugly, snaggle toothed fuck! AHHHHHH! Shit.
I want to go home so bad but the phrase"home" ia a long ago saying. I miss the old house, my room, the back yard. Jesse.
Sometimes, I dream of the old house. There's always bizarre dreams though. My slumber adventures have become very abstract.
Last night i dreamt of a kachina called Koy-yo-mut-vi. He was helping me out. It looked like this: [He draw a picture of his mask] I was hoping to speak Hopi to him. He was my buddy and there was something very familiar about him. I don't know if it is a real Kachina or not. So, on wednesday I'm going to look in the library and see if he's real or not - see what he represents.
The night before last I dreamt about my second born. It was a another girl. But she had dark hair and dark eyes. Bertha [his paternal grandmohter's sister] was holding her and she was crying. So, i took my baby from her to comfort and hold:) She was cute but fussy.
My dreams have been telling me to not be with Lacey- that she will hurt me. It sure would make me more happy if she would write. Prison is lonely. Street love is fake. Go away for a couple of years and you'll see what's real. I miss love. I miss happiness. I miss searching for the one. I really miss writing love letters. Even without a response, I knew the recipient would never get another letter that would compare to my majestic flowing words. :)
Life will go on. There will be others- better than the ones in the past. Life will go on. I am just lonely. I never really fell complete without a partner. I ma so afraid of being alone. I wouldn't consider myself co-dependent, just scared.
I want too much. I wish they would go away- my fears. I have all i need. I want what i don't have-isn't that always the case? I am enclosing a picture of me all decked out in orange. It's the new fad didn't you know? I hate the picture.
I saw on the news that if you take boiling hot water and throw it into the air - like where you live, it turns into snow. Try it and see if it works.
When I get out, I am going to blow the world away. I am going to be extra picky with my women too - no offense but woman are an evil race!
I want to enroll in a college somewhere and learn. I feel so stifled in here. Being surrounded by idiot is awful. With every conversation, I fell my I.Q>.drop a couple of points. It is almost like I have to learn to be dumb. Ha!
Karma is a bitch! This picture of Chopper - he looks sad. Will you send me one where he is smiling? Maybe one of you and Mitch together with the dog?
I'm reading this book on spirits. There's this part about ITC or Instrumental Transcommunication. It's about spirit communication through electronics. Did you know that Edison was experimenting with ITC before his death in 1931? And he supposedly came back to confirm his hypothosis? - Along w/Einstein, Jules Vern, Madame Curie and Michael London? it made me think of my own experiences when staying at Sarah's. I was watching t.v. and was flipping through channels when i heard, " You-(channel one)- will- (channel 2) be - in jail on your birhtday. But the words were on different channels. I got up and hugged and kissed Sarah. Two weeks later, it came true.
This book is interesting. Its go a commentary from Dr. Bruce Goldberg. I heard him on "coast to coast". Maybe you could send me a book written by him? Anyways, whenever, a poltergeist-german for throwing things- :) comes into play- ther'es always a child/teenager in the house. It is usually a girl about to or going through puberty. Research has shown that at those times in a persons life - they have more raw psychic energy then any other time in thier life. Stress and plutonium :) It's a real interesting book. I read it like two days ago. I think you would get a kick out of this book. The explanations for spirits, demons, spirit parasites that follow stories that relate to the classification of the enities. They are things and I - and you somehow knew! Remember, all of the talks on spirits/demons. angels and auras? I mean over the years you have taught us boys a lot. What i didn't hear from you - I came to my own conclusions and explanations. And in this book, it's like saying the same thing - I mean the same shit! It made me feel more sane than ever. It even gives you ways to re-energize your own aura. When you think that thoughts aren't yours- well just read it , okay? It is called "Shadow World" by Brad Sieger. I feel like a spiritiual gunius because of you! Thanks!
Anyways - the books i have been reading are really cool. My cellie just got his property and he has this dream book. All of the bizarre dreams I have been having are good omens. I was flipping through it and it made me happy. They are all good dreams. It is now the 24th of Feb. I got another letter from you today. Thanks. It might take me a couple days to send this"book" to you. I don't have any stamps or envelopes. I am waiting for some $. All of the jobs in the kitchen are taken- the ones for Indians andyways. The jobs all have to be racially balanced. I mean talk about affirmative action.
I need your SSN# to get you on the visiting list. You have to be approved- Can any of your #'s be accepted for collect calls? If so, which one. Or also what year were you born? I will need your birthday too.
No, I don't have a tape player. I am waiting for $$ -my Dad forgot about me. I was hoping to get my pictures from him...but. Chris was suppose to write me too. :( Anyways send me tapes anyways cause it will take a while. Thanks.
I am glad christifer is going to see you - that will be good. I miss you both and I am glad you are going to see each other.I love you and I hoe everything is okay. Give Chopper a hug for me.
As far as giving my address to people the more the merrier! Just don't show this shit picture. I am in line for another one. You can put the other one at your desk or something. Stay safe and happy you are in my thoughts and prayers.
Will you tell Chris to write me. I miss him so much. I need him more in my life than ever. I want him to not think he is an only child :)
I love you and misss you. Don't ever forget that okay?
Your wonderful, loving, good looking son :)
Charlie
P.S. Send me some more letters! I live for them. There is nothing like hearing a letter slide under the door.
Oh and could you send books, mags. and tapes? The same way you addressit on the letters you could get me some grafitti magazines like "art crimes".
[This other letter was in with this envelope.]
Mama,
Well, it's March 3rd and I just got some stamps so I thought that I should write you. I have to put 2 stamps on this envelope so one more letter wont hurt.
I'm bored and lonely and I only have this shit picture to send to you. I got some store today so I won't be hungry at night. I got some stamps and envelopes and soap and shit like that.
In November, my masterbating cellie will go away. Oh what a wonderful day that will be! I am counting down the months. Can you believe its already been 3 months since I've been here? In another 8 months, I will havew a new cellie. Hopefully, one that doesn't talk shit and masterbate, constantly. I am really starting to hate him!
Any way, I read this book called "Tonto and the lone ranger fist fighting in Heaven". It's kind of depressing. The writer is from washington, He's a Spokane Couer d' alan Indian. He's laways going off to on Spokane. The whole book is based on Spokane. what are the odds?
Anyway you said chris was giong there today. I hope he has a good time. It willbe good for you both to see each other. I heard from my Dad, that Chris fucked up real bad (trying to be like me). He needs some encouraging words. Please give him a hug for me. I love you both.
I love you Mama. and i wish I could talk to you. Thanks for the letters please send more.
Nothing much here. I've been learning pow-wow songs and singing at the sweat. It's cool. I will sing them to you when I get out.
My love and prayers go out to you nightly. Kiss Chopper for me and give him a bath for me.
I love you.
Your son,
Charlie
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