[Before this letter, I had received the terrible news that his little baby, Cierra had died. The baby’s mother had called and told me. She was so very distraught. She said that they told her cause of death was SIDS. The poor girl had fallen asleep beside the baby. When she woke up Cierra was no longer breathing.
Charlie needed to be told. But, I had no way of getting hold of him. This is news that needs to be told in person- not in a letter or over the phone. He was not allowed visitation at the time. I called my parents. We didn’t know what to do.I was al the way up in WA and barely making it financially. So, we waited until they could arrange to see him in person. He was already going through depression. I was also fearful this might push him over the edge. I had already lost one son, I could not lose another. But knowing this horrendous news and not saying anything- I felt like the worse person in the world, but we felt it was for the best in the long run. But, Charlie knew some how that something was wrong.]
Mama,
Well, I had an unexpected surprise today! I am still on lock down – well l.o.p. and I got a whole stack of books to read. I was fully indulged in a book when I heard the friendly sound of mail being shoved under my door. What a wonderful sound!
I just wanted to say thanks for the kind words and the postcards. As I studied the pictures, I thought no big deal. What’s up with the stuff on Van Gough? [I had begun sending him these postcards with of Van Gough paintings] I am enclosing one of my watercolors. It’s hard to get pain. I scraped magazine articles and ads to get my color- add a little water and Presto!
I made paint brushes out of toothpicks and sheet. When I don’t have a t.v. or radio I get restless. I also made some hands out of wetted toilet and newspaper. Without flour the paper fell, So, I used a toothbrush to mesh the paper together. I also used toothpicks to attach to the wall. Like in that movie we saw at A.S.U., remember? The claw was sticking out of the cliff? Anyways, I was going to attach a little face to my hands, but they cam in my cell with dogs and trashed my room. The confiscated my hands and took the eyeball that I had setting in one of the hands. Bastards! I was lectured on the “arts and crafts” and how they are not allowed in the yard. I just laughed at them. My desk was covered in little drawings and little paper buckets with paint inside. Not to mention my little brushes and oodles of paintings.
I was wondering if you could send me some $? I know I asked in my last letter, but they gave me store already. And I’m nervous about it. The guys name is [He gives me the guy's name and his address] I wouldn’t worry so bad, except, there are only two Indians left out in the yard, all from being in debt. I got special permission from my people to do business with another race – scary Mexicans! :)
The picture I’ve enclosed isn’t finished. I figured that if I tried to finish it I would just fuck it up. It represents the golden arches of a crumbling nation built on death and lies – reaching for a race with a forgotten face. Can you tell I’m bored?
I got a letter from my Dad awhile back- a couple of days ago. He sent me some pictures. I hung my favs on the wall. There’s one of you and him at your wedding. You both look nervous and anxious. :) There is also one of you a couple years later at your parent’s house and one of me with my baseball team. I am in the center next to wee-Christifer. :) There is another with me on your lap sitting next to Frank [his Dad] with Chris on his lap – you were pregnant with Jesse. There is also one of B.C. [his paternal grandpa] and Chris in 1989. Chris was only knee high with light brown hair- so cute!
They are all hanging next to Van Gough, you and Chopper and Mom and Papa [maternal grand parents].
I just finished a book called, “Black Elk Speaks”. It was beautiful and sad. I would like to read it to my own children someday. I worked today. It was gorgeous outside. There were dark clouds and the wind was blowing. I took my hair down and let it blow in the wind. It was a good day to be outside.
Last night I fell asleep early and had a nightmare. I woke out of it around..ummm…3 am. I guess. Jesse, you, Lacy and Cierra were in it. I had just been inside and you and Lacy were fussing with the baby. I went outside to see Jesse. He was in the driver’s seat of the old Nissan truck. I was pleading for him to stay home. But some girl was in the passenger’s seat telling him to go. Despite what I said, he left. All the while I cursed that girl and went inside. You guys were no where to be found. I was searching every where for you. I went into the back yard and everything was frozen with ice. There was a hand reaching out for me in the ice. I started to panic. I went to the front of the house and Lacy was holding Cierra. She was covered in ice. She started screaming and ran towards me and handed me the baby. She was covered in ice and I noticed her little skull was red as though blood was surfacing- like she had head trauma. I began covering the baby and slowly peeled back the layers of ice and rocked her. Her little head looked hurt. I felt better like I was helping – then I woke up.
I couldn’t sleep much so I made
I still don’t have a cell mate. Four other –chiefs J don’t have a cellies either. I put down Mom and Papa, Christifer, my Dad, and Jamie (his Dad’s girl friend). I’m going to wait to put So-oh down too.
I got another postcard from you today. Thanks. My day is a good one!
I put pictures of Sitting Bull, Johnny Cash and Kurt Cobain above my head when I sleep. They all have the same look in their eyes. I like that look. It is yet another night. Night is the time I think the most. I hope you are warm and safe. I think it is cold up there. Colder than here I know that for a fact.
I want to dream, but I only want good ones.
After my nightmare, I dreamt we were shopping in the same grocery store that I had dreamt about before. I was smelling discounted cheese singles and I found some biscotti. I screamed, “Biscotti!” Then an old lady said I had a good eye. You were laughing at me for smelling the cheese. You said, “Goof ball!” I can’t wait to use that phrase on my own children.
I am going to have two daughters. The second one is going to be darker than the first. I am going to read “Black Elk Speaks” to them and “Where the Wild Things Are”. I will talk to them as little people, instead of kids. I will instill the wisdom you gave to me. They will think it strange that their grandma is only 27! :)
Oh Mama, Mama. I will try and sleep now. See you in the morning!
Well I can’t sleep. I just laid there singing. I made up songs to myself. Maybe to the three with the same eyes. Powerful words with deep meaning. They sound good to me and Johnny Cash and Sitting Bull approve. Kurt just smiles. You’ve heard of a sweet tooth – how about a salt tooth? I crave salt! Stuffed Jalapeño flavored chips will do.
I switched to pencil. I like the way it feels when I write. I decided I needed more substance so I made beans and weenies. With a little hot sauce and I’ve got a great prison style late night snack! I’ve switched to plain chips though.
Last night I dreamt of leading this young elephant to water. Once there, I saw the lake was calm in the early morning light. In the water, near the shore, the fish were so abundant. They were practically jumping out of the water. It was a nice dream anyway.
I finished my four directions cross. It is all decked out in orange, but oh well. I am going to give it to one of the brothers that is leaving. Do you remember I told you how happy I was for him? Anyways, I took some wooden toothpicks and stuck them together through a tack.
Then I wrapped the toothpicks with orange string (my pants) and hung them like feather in the cross. It looks pretty good.
Mom and Papa wrote me. Did I tell you? J I am going to write them after this one. Mom enclosed a photo-copied picture of her and me. Jesse took that picture with hi little camera. It was a little picture but it brought back good memories. I just opened up what I got from Papa! J What a goof! J He did his own little rendition of “Ode to Alzheimer’s” He drew pictures of everybody. Including me –behind bars! [He drew a little picture.] It must have taken him awhile to get that much to rhyme. What’s the name –
I am going to hang it somewhere. Maybe next to the three wise men? I am going to get started writing them. Something that clever, tonight!
I sit in silence – with dreams of elephants and fish. I will sleep good tonight. Not only did I get a letter from Papa, I also got a new one form you. I linked all the postcards together in the back so they could bend. I sat them in fan fare position. How beautiful!
I did a water color today. It came out evil. I didn’t like what I was drawing. I could see it so vividly. A lady with long black hair was kneeling with a blindfold over her eyes, shooting herself in the head. There’s another guy behind the girl and he’s praying. A second man is running towards the cliff is he fleeing? Or was he going to jump? Horrible- I am putting the finishing details on later. EWW!
I stopped with disgust and started a new sketch of my view of “the outside”. Sounds spooky doesn’t it? I looked outside and it was beautiful. The sky was light and dark blue. The ground was a mixture of brown and light orange – almost a red against the blue. So sad, but so blue and beautiful. I will try to make those shades later.
Busy myself with nothing to lose. No deadline – just time.
I love you Mama.
Charlie
P.S. Send pictures of the spring and you, Mitch and Chopper together!
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