Letters to Mama from Prison

Jan.22, 07

2009-12-27T11:46:00.000-08:00

Mama,
I got your letter today and I’m a bit worried. I wish I could give you a hug and take away all of that troubles you. Evan though I know that really wouldn’t work. I feel that I might relieve some of all that you sense is around you. If people could just start reading earlier they would absorb so much and make better decisions about the world in the future. I believe in you – but more importantly the universe believes in you.

A calling is just that. We are all born with predestined goals we need to accomplish. The difficult part is figuring out what they are. You have that part down already. You are so lucky to know what you have to do. There are so many people in the world just lost. Floating around wasting away our short valuable time here in the world. You know ….oh you know. All of those that have left this world – and all those waiting for you to come here, are cheering for you.

I love you. I am so very proud to have you in my life. So very proud of who you are and every decision you have made. Who are we to question our trials and tribulations? Do not question the past – it’s back there for a reason. Whatever took place then was meant to be. It made you who you are and who I am proud of ant who the universe is cheering for! I love you.

No matter what you are never alone. You always have the potential to gain. A way to grow is a way to learn. You already know what to do. Believe in yourself as we all do and no harm can come your way. You are a very old soul, full of wisdom and love- probably on your last life. :) And all of these inexperienced fools can frustrate you. But you can see Mama. You can see what you need to do!

I could feel your emotions through the letter, but three days have passed since you sent it out. How much have things in your own mind changed? It’s like in the “Awareness Book” , where he talks about viewing yourself through a third person’s eyes. I feel as though it takes away all of the emotions from that point of view. Knowing how to do that really helps mfe in here. I’m sure it would help you out there. :)

I feel as though I’ve been battling my own anger demons in here as well though mama. I wonder how much of that has to do with your situation? I mean I am half you. I will try and be positive as I can so that the energy comes to you. Maybe that will help. You can send me all of your stress and I will send you faith and love, even understanding to understand your stress- oh and a hug!

I quit cussing for New years – did I tell you that? It doesn’t seem like it would be that hard but sometimes you just want to scream a big F***! I’m sure you could relate. :) That’s probably why I get sudden fits of rage. :) All of that negative wants me- bits get in from time to time. But I believe it is a good war to fight. The sad part is that I’ve started to see how much of that ick is all around. A good thing is I realize more now than ever before, how much ick is not me. Sure it isolates me, but I never really fit in anyway :) -anywhere really, but I don’t mind. The greatest person I know doesn’t fit in either, so for that I am grateful! :) I love you!

You brought a smile to my face talking about moving to Winslow. :) I love you so much- always. I almost cried while smiling.:) I do not want you to worry about me or making a future for me. During all of this time away from the world- made me re-evaluate all that you have taught us boys. I was naive for not realizing what valuable information it really was. I have faith in myself and my future and I know I can make it on my own and meet all of the goals I was meant to make. But without you the epitome of love as long as I have known you, I strongly doubt that I could see the right road. Remember that you create your own reality- believe in what you want and what you visualize. Know it to be true!

It showed again tonight, a beautiful white blanket covering everything. The other morning it was 4 degrees. I’m so used to it now. I was just wearing a sweatshirt.:) I’m using my hair as nature’s scarf. :)

I’m listening to this tape now. The last time I listened to it, well, the last time I can remember was up on the Hopi Res.> You guys were still married and borrowed Mom and Pap’s van . Bubba was with us. We couldn’t find a radio station and we had this CD. We all convinced you two to listen to it, that you would like it if you just listened to the whole thing in silence – just driving. Jesse was sitting next to me so content.

Beautiful memories, I am never short of- wonderful thoughts of everyone stored in my soul waiting to be shared with my children and enjoyed. Once we all get done with whatever it is that few are doing here! :) I love you.

You really are the greatest person I know. The snow is outside her as well as there. Closer than we think? We are just a dream away form anything.

As always, your loving son,
Charlie.

Oct 28, 2006

2009-11-23T09:05:00.000-08:00

Mama!
I miss you! It feels like forever since I last heard from you. I just want you to know, I love you and not one day goes by that I don’t think of you. I’ve been getting down a lot lately. I don’t want to worry you or anything. I just need to talk to someone. I’ve been getting in these little moods where I just feel lonely. I try and fill the void with meaningless chatter. But as the light goes out and I ponder, as my mind wanders, I get lonely. I know that that is ridiculous to feel completely a lone, but I get that way. And as the day goes by, no mail comes and I just sigh. :)I just wish I had more love in my life and not surrounded by dudes! :)I just get so frustrated by my situation and some days everything just compacts and I feel it weighing me down. Frustration. :

I just see things so clearly now! And all I know that will be isn’t. It drives me crazy to feel alone. I’m like a smart kid that is held back because the rest of his class is full of stupidity! HA! Oh how I relate to that. I know one day you will pull out these letters of yours and let me see how I am now. So tired of how things ended up because of the choices I have made. And we’ll say, “Remember this?” :) But for now, I would like to go to sleep until the day of my release. :)

I try and keep active, but I’m too sore on the in between days. I’m still a skinny dude. I’ve gained 30 lbs. since I came in , but I hope to keep pushing on so that anyone that knew me wouldn’t recognize me. It does cheer me up once I get the endorphins flowing. But this seems to be a temporary thing. I go back to the cage and wonder what could be and whines about it! :)

I don’t mean to get you all worked up, it’s just that I got in trouble and they took my contact visits away again a long with my T.V and radio. They haven’t come for it yet, but my visits are gone. :( I wanted to see Mom and Papa too. It’s just not worth it for an hour and through a glass – too far to drive. Its’ just stupid shit like that, that makes me even more frustrated. But there will come a day when all that shit won’t matter. I just wish it was sooner than later!

I just got the tribal paper the other day and they are talking about handing out per capita quarterly. I hope they do it. The petition is supposed to be voted on during the elections which are next month. There was a quote in the paper that cracked me up. “look at the other tribes; they’re getting theirs!” :) I could just picture some big Pima saying that to a reporter! :) I hope this happens. It would be nice to have some money collecting interest, awaiting my arrival. It sure would make life easier in here. :)

I finished the portrait of Mom and Papa and sent it to them. I hope they like it. I drew Mom without wrinkles and made Papa look mad cool. I was slow playing it though. I’m just glad they have it now. I hope you like the little catcher I sent you. I’m working on some more stuff for you to hang around too because I love you :)

This Mexican came by my cell and saw your picture. He asked, “Who is that white lady?” I said, “That’s my Mama!” Then he was all, “Who is that black guy?” I was like, “ That’s my Dad!” :) He does look all dark in that picture though. At first I though he was talking about Bubba, but nope. :) I’m telling you a smart kid in a stupid class!

Arizona is now ranked as the dumbest state in the country. Proud # 50! It doesn’t surprise me much and I’m sure you’re not going to be shocked either. I am so glad. I don’t have to stay here once I’m out.:)

The sad part about being away for so long is that when I think home – nothing comes to mind, well no place. I need one though, a sanctuary – my home. I will start to see this place in my mind. I know I want a loft though. I see it being a big room with a spiral staircase leading up to the bedrooms. But even the upstairs doesn’t have walls, except for the bathroom. You can come there anytime you want and see my big room. :) I see an area where I can paint, draw or create whatever. I feel within that room, it is my home. But we will always have a cabin as well! :)

I just got your pictures. :) Those images seem unreal. They are almost as if they were from a scene from the Wizard of Oz! Your little Jorj looks like an Ewok – just put a cloak on him. He looks so happy though. Those pictures filled my whole cell with positive energy. I love you Mama. I miss you so much. I miss your laugh and sense of humor. I can hear Jesse laugh when you do. If you listen closely, you will hear mine as well. :)

Hope is all around me. The possibilities of the future are there, just barely out of grasp. It’s almost surreal to know that there are places like those in the photos. As I flipped through them – it’s as though I saw glimpses of some wonderful dream full of abnormally large flowers. :) I want to show them around but I can’t stand having people drool over my mama. It’s bad enough watching my cellie struggling with holding his tongue.

I hope you received my last letter. I sent it out one week ago. Let me know I think that they have been messing with my mail.

I got into trouble last week. I got in trouble last week. I got caught making hooch. I got all of my visits (contact) taken away again and al of my appliances taken away for 30 days along with store. I have to write the warden in order to affect her decision on giving me contact back. I’m just going to tell her to look at my record. I haven’t gotten into any trouble for 2.5 years and to please make an exception. Mom and Pap were going to come up too. But there’s no reason if it is only for 1.5 through glass. I hope I will get through to her. I hope I can sit face to face with her and talk face to face with her. But I will let you know as soon as i do. I don’t receive visits that often as it is. I would just freak out if something would happen to the grand people and I couldn’t visit with them. Plus I just miss them, cause I love them. :) Because I love you! I will visualize sitting down and seeing without a barrier. I can see you standing up and us hugging. I need one of those hugs! I just miss home.

Anyway, I’ll finish up those hands and send them out tomorrow, okay? I love you. I absolutely love the pictures. You want to hear something strange? I’m always looking at the clock at exactly1:11. That is a number I see a lot. Well, you’re postage came to $1.11 :) But the ticket number I got form the trouble was #666 :{ Ha! And Halloween is just around the corner.

You know in the picture you sent of your living room. There is an orb of light in it. As if someone was posing :) , because it’s directly related in the middle! That made me smile.

I love you Mama! You help me stay positive and remind me of the good things in the world. I hope you are all doing well – doing great! I know you are. I can feel it! I know it could be better. It could always be better. I pray for you every night and suffer in the lodge because I love you and miss you. I hope – I know you can feel it.

When the time is right, I will come home and talk your ears off. We will eat like pigs and be able to look back and only remember all of our struggles made us stronger as if we woke up from a bad dream.

When I was a kid, remember when you would come in and put a cross on our heads and say goodnight? Sometimes, it would be late so I would act like I was sleeping. You would stand in the doorway blessing us and saying goodnight. :) After that I would fall fast asleep. You would just reinforce love and that’s how I felt when I got your letter today. I love you.

When we awaken from this never ending dream we will be the better for it and in turn the world. Thank you for all that you are and all that you made me. You are always in my prayers and always in my heart. Stay positive.

Your loving son, Charlie

10-6-06

2009-11-15T14:16:00.000-08:00

Mama,
Hey there Ms. Mama! It feels like awhile since I’ve heard from you. I know all is well, but I miss you. So I thought that I would send you some mail instead of waiting around.

Not a whole lot going on over here just the same old- same old. They are supposed to still be moving me. But as always I just sit and wait. I want to get over there though. I’m tired of being on one of these 4 yards. Plus my cellie is getting on my nerves. I guess he was in Buckeye with me. But I don’t know him, but he knew me. I guess. :{ He makes me feel tall though. He’s only 5’6” – a little guy. It’s Labor day today. Not like it really matters. It just means no chance for mail. :) I’ll only get 2 meals, but it’s not like it’s anything special. I can’t eat those sack lunches either; they make me sick. I can’t even smell the awful things. When I see someone eating one, it’s just disgusting. :) Just nasty! I tried to boil it but it just coats the walls with the smell. :(

Candace wrote me the other day, twice. That was really nice. It’s the first times ever since I came in. She is still working for U.P.S. and is about to start driving those trucks around. She sent me a picture of her boy and her new one this little girl named Makayla. She’s 1 ½ years old and is walking and talking. Her Dad is some black guy. I guess they are engaged and are about to buy a house. So that was nice to know. She’s not on welfare and all that she was raised in.

Papa keeps telling me about Bubba messing around with some tall, fat girl staying at So-oh’s neighbor’s house. No matter how disappointed I get in that one he always seems to lower the bar! :) The way Mom and Papa describe it to me , it’s like their new entertainment. :) First thing in the morning, they see him sneaking out of her window and back in late at night. I can just hear them telling each other, “Look, look! There he goes!” :)

Pap seems excited about his trip. I hope he has fun! I wish he would take mom though and leave that dog at one of those dog hotels. She’s staying because she is the only one that knows how to pop the leg back in. :{ Speaking of them, I need to write them.

You said you had some more palms for me to read? Send them on over! I was in the sweat lodge looking at my hands and everyone kept asking me to read theirs. I little strange to read a bunch of guys hands while wearing boxers. But it seems like all of these Indian hands are all the same – give or take a few lines. So send them on over here. I’ll be happy to see them.

That girl wrote me again – Jenny. She’s been writing on and off. She’s such a confused person. She left Seattle now, I guess she’s back in Phoenix. She’s supposed to come up her to Winslow for a visit, but no on wants to go to Winslow. Especially me! :) Mom and Papa are going to come again before the snow. It’s hard to believe it is already September! It’s nice though. I mean the high up here is 85 degrees today. Compared to Phoenix? Yeah, I guess I would come to Winslow. :)

I love you Mama! Hope you are doing alright! I miss you! I don’t remember if I wrote after you last wrote. It just seems like all of the days just run together. I didn’t even know that it was Labor Day until breakfast! On the 15th we’re going to have a party – Indian day! I feel as though I missed out on a holiday growing up. So-oh said she used to always have good eats. So I’m trying to get us back out to the lodge to kick back. I sort of want to let my hair out all wild and crazy. :)

I hope to see snow this winter. Thought this guy says that the sidewalks get all icy and all of these people slip and fall. That at least should entertain me for a minute. The rains comes often over here. So I’m hoping the snow follows suit. I was watching this travel show on P.B.S. yesterday and they were in New Zealand. That country is gorgeous. One day I will go there and see the countryside. They filmed that “Lord of the Rings” over there. All of that land is so beautiful. Would you like to see it? We will go together and just sit and nature and gawk and the sights of all we live in. Of course, we don’t have to go there to enjoy the world we share. But it is up for grabs always. We will both go to places others only dream of. You will always be welcomed on any trip I will take. But I’m sure you already know that. :)

I miss you and hope all of your hard work soon paying off- all these people don’t even know it yet! :) It’s all happening though; I know this! I’m even getting the line for it! :) You already are everything that you will be. Sometimes the Universe slow plays on the catching up part. But I still get full of such pride whenever I think of you. I’m sure you will never subside. I love you my beautiful, intelligent, loving Mama! I am one lucky individual to have you be my Mama! :)

People are sheep! I cracked up when you wrote that! Like in that awareness book, when he says about how we try and attract people “for what to get attention of a little monkey?” :) “I’m an ass. You’re an ass.” Strange yet comforting :).It’s sort of sad to know that there are a lot of people who go through life and not really be themselves – always living up to the set of paradigms. Anything outside of their little sheep holding pens is not right :). It is a bit depressing to know the majority stumble through life without opening their eyes. How can you be blind, when you have the ability to see? :) stupid little monkeys. I hope one day we will all catch a glimpse of the big picture and see the world for what it really is.

I’m starting to fee more and more like myself. :) Does that sound strange? To someone else it might. I’m so very glad to have you to write my ramblings to and more than grateful to have you be able to understand them! :)

I can see you hearing people’s thoughts. :) Sometimes, I can know people in a glance. I don’t like to look at people in their eye. In here, there is not a lot of positivity. There are a heck of a lot of them that have been misguided since childhood. I don’t know if I would like to know what they think though. I’m sure your knowledge of their thoughts, couldn’t have come at a better time. :) You are becoming. My prayers are with you always. I’ll start asking for more on your behalf. :) I love you!

I’m going to get this out today. I’m sure you would like a couple of words sent via the great city of Winslow.:) I miss you though and love you with all I have. I’ll see you soon!

Your loving son,
Charlie

Oct. 6th, 2006

2009-11-08T14:52:00.000-08:00

Mama,
I miss you! I was happy as a clam to hear from you. I always am though so my smile is permanent. :) I miss you though. You are not far away from my prayers. I’ve see the many pairs of hands that you have sent. I had hands that have been sent. I had them all out and a guard came by and saw one sitting with all of the pairs of hands (yours and Mom and papa) all over the place and was wierded out! :)

I’m not really doing anything right now. I’m just watching this Mexican soap opera. There’s not really a lot on this time of the day. Today is Friday. We had recreation and I’m feeling tired now. My cellie is writing and so I thought that I might get off my lazy ass and write you!

I’m working on a card for mom and papa. They sent me a picture of them and they look all cute in that one so I’m drawing it . Papa looks all in it. I have him down just not Mom. I can’t get her face right. I don’t want it to look all cartoon like. I do love that picture though. It captures their love perfectly. I almost gives me hoping in finding someone to spend the end of my days with.

I just got a new tape. I’m glad to have it too. It’s sublime and know every song by heart. There’s this song, “Santeria”, when I was younger I had no idea who this dude Sancho was nor the meanings of his songs. In prison when you’re your lady breaks up with you or cheats on you. She will always go with Sancho, despite his name you will call him, “Sancho”. Black guys have Tyrone, but everyone else says “Sancho.” It’s just sad. I had to find out the hard way. :) F**** Sancho! Ha!

Any how it’s good stuff my cellie friend fixed the radio. So, I have it hooked up to my cellie fixed the radio so I have it hooked up to my make shift sound system. I’ve got it in the window like a miniature amphitheatre. :) It’s pretty loud though. I mean just for a walkman!

I’ve been starting to remember my dreams in more detail lately, which makes me happy. Jesse comes a lot; Christifer too. But my favorite is when we go on adventures. But no matter what- bizarre things happen and I wake up thinking, “What the hell?” :) I hope to have one with everyone, but I’m sure it will come. I’m going to write down these people’s hands you sent me in separate pages. Some of their hands are basically the same. Ann’s hands are cool. They have a lot of M’s on them and so does Nicole’s – but I told you that, right? There is this line that we both have that is not mentioned in the book. I’m hoping that it is a great one! But I already know it is. I love you Mama. I miss you a whole lot too!

Would you say that your fingers are pointed – not the nail but rather the shape of the finger tip or more cone shaped? I can’t tell in the Xerox copy, it might be mixed too though There is also a square and a spade shape. Also does your middle finger cling to your ring or any other finger that naturally comes together? Also flexible is your thumb? There are mounds of flesh under your fingers on the palm of the hand that go like this: {he draw a d picture showing the position of the mounds of Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Mercury, Mars Sun, Venus and the Moon.

The best way to see them is to look at them from the side. Those say a lot too. You have two squares on your mount of Jupiter (Just like me!). That means protection is doubles against opposition and loss. Imagine life without those! HA! :)

I love you my Mama. I pray all is well with you! I can see you being everything you wish. I want you to know that it is all coming. It’s all on its way to you! Be strong Mama. I have you in my prayers and you are never far from my smile. I am so proud of you and everything that you are. I love you and will be near you soon enough. Really before you know it, we will sit and be able to laugh about all of our troubles and heartaches and look back with nothing but good memories. We will find only positive in past struggles and smile together! Soon enough :) I love you!

I miss you Mama. I think about you and I smile. :) I am so very grateful to have you in my life. So proud to call you my mother. Eventually in its own time, I will be home and you can mama me all you want! :)

I am going to try and get this in the mail today. It’s been way too long since I have written and I just wanted to hear from you. I miss you and I’m sure you want to hear from me. Nothing going on over here, I’m still just sitting on a 4 yard and waiting for movement. Pattie keeps writing and still haven’t written back. I need to though. Mom and Papa are telling me that she isn’t doing so well.

I’ve been doing this thing where I picture myself in the future surrounded by love. I put myself in that scenario and look back on the present now as thought it was the past. I do this and act as though I’m reminiscing retracing my steps from them to now. I find that if I do this, the future- and being accomplished and surrounded by abundance is an easy and natural thing. It also makes whatever is now, seem so very insignificant. (more of a foundation instead of the top layer) the more I visualize using this concept, the easier it is to put myself in my future shoes.

I just want to create and be successful at it. Inspire more creation to write a chain reaction of creation. I’d like to live in a world where everyone is able to express their spirit and create whatever their spirit desires. I know it is possible because it’s a thought and now that you’ve read it. It is that much more concrete. :)

I wonder is just us writing to each other (benefits our individual surroundings) I’m sure it does – when I receive anything from you, I get fresh air in this cell. It is though I can sense the faith you transfer in your written word. Maybe I’m just getting better and picking up on different energies- just never focused? At any rate your letters and your love is always refreshing and restores me.

I will be praying extra hard to take away your negative. I know you will be all you wish- all what you were meant to be.

Disregard all the dead end thoughts that are not yours. All of that negative is outside of you and belongs there. You are always in my prayers and always in my heart. I’m proud to be your son and proud to call you my Mama!
I love you!
Charlie

[In this letter he sent me a dream catcher and this other quick note.]

Mama,
I made this a while ago- My first one. I can see you having it around your ankle or wearing it – maybe a key chain? Any how it was made for you. It took me forever not really but I thought you should have it. I miss you everyday and hope you can feel my prayers.

I will be sending the hand next – it is quite a project, but I’m just a lazy dude. I think I’ve gained 20lbs. since the last time we saw each other. I’m making it my goal to become physically fit. :) I can tell I’ve gotten bigger because the tattoos on my chest has gotten smaller :).

The next time we take pictures, I’ll be sure to send you a couple.

I feel old now too. I have all of these hairs on my face and when I shave it, it feels awkward. I’m an old man!

Can you see if this place has a website, www.drumbeat.com. They have an O’odham to English dictionary that I would like to have. I would also like the book called, “O’odham Creation”. I don’t know if they have a website or not; but could you check? I would also like more tapes, can you find ‘Daft Punk’ or also some “Hard progressive Trance”. It is a type of techno – Christifer should know a good one. I would love it if you could find a Hopi English dictionary too or a book with every Katchina in it. This is all I can think of. There’s a website on Hopi prophecies. I looked it up a while ago, if you could print it out. I would love that too!

I love you Mama and I appreciate all you do for me thanks for being you!
Charlie

2009-11-01T09:53:00.000-08:00

Mama,

I’m just sitting here doodling thought that I could use this time to write you instead. I’m still on a 4 yard but I got to thinking about the outside and now my mind is all excited! The will be’s are exciting. I wish that it was sooner but my time will be coming before I know it. This is so great to me especially when I look back on how much time has passed already. It’s sad that becoming whom I was meant to be could only be learned this way but who am I to be angry at fate?

As you can tell I’m in a good mood. I don’t know why really, nothing special about now. Not to put the present down. I just am. There’s no real reason to be upset anymore, about anything. I feel free tonight and know the future is as real as the pen I hold in my hand. :) Plus I have you to write to! I love you Mama- have I ever told you that? I always will to.

What I love about writing to you is the fact that you could understand anything my abstract mind could come up with. I try and have people listen to give intelligent feedback but…alas :) You inspire me have I ever told you that? I almost feel like I don’t even have to write words, maybe if I talked to a blank paper and sent it to you – you would ect. What I was trying to say?:) There was this cheesy movie I saw was called “Pootie Tang”. He did a song where he didn’t even have to make a sound. He just put his energy on a recording and it was a #1 :)

I’m going to be taking pictures this month. I will send you the best one. I have to pay you back for all of the great photo’s you sent. But before you get them just know orange is in this season! :) Well that and long hair. I’ve been trying to remember what it was like to have short hair and for the life of me I can’t!

I remember cutting my hair in a mirror all of these times. I just forgot now it was, waking up without looking like cousin it.

This fat guy cut out pieces of paper and put them on his shirt for Halloween. It looked like this. {a pic that was a typical jack o’ lantern face}. It went well with his size and the color of his shirt and that was the only memorable thing that happened this year. Didn’t have any trick or treaters, a couple of ugly kids came by dressed up like prison guards, but that was just annoying. :)Way to much time on my hands.

I want some sort of art books or like something to put seeds that sprout inspiration deep in my mind. No one has anything like this though. I know I should just focus but when I sit down to draw. Its as if madness comes out of the tip of my writing utensil and once I show whatever. I always hear , “What is that?” :) I just want to hear or say, “It is what it is and it looks cool. “ Maybe I’ll just put some energy on it by pootie tang standards. :)

I finished up those Anne and Nicole hands. I tried to do it a number of times but I would be hit by this roadblock, sort of. It was weird. Same thing happens with all of the rest too. Now whenever dudes hear about it, they ask me to read their hands- bizarre. That chick Nicole had all of these M’s, just like her Mom. The daughter is going to have a rough love life though. Poor thing had all of these indicators. The sad thing is I have them all as well. :) I still love the fact that you have the ring of Solomon! _ according to the book is very rare- just like you! :) I got my ring from you and your guidance. I never had it before. You also have all of these chance lines just like someone I know…:)

Have you ever seen this show “Heroes”? I love this show! Our show, “Medium” is coming back on too! Wed., I’ll be watching. Another show that I’m addicted to is “Lost”. There’s too much going on in there if I miss a show, I’m really lost. :) I love, “ My name is Earl.” And “The office”. I watch “grey’s anatomy” too, but I’m not proud of it. This dude who lives next door watches these shows it. Whenever there’s something on that isn’t very nacho to discuss in prison we use code. :) Grey’s Anatomy is G.A. I know it is real tough code to break! Anything that is under this file we use the code. :) It’s hell of cheesy but makes things funny. I must have seen every single Seinfeld shoe 100x’s. and if I quote any show he knows what I’m talking about. He’s a cool dude has life. He’s 30, yet looks 23; it’s crazy. My cellie is 30, yet looks 45. I guess the same thing could be said about my little self. Whenever I talk to a C.O. they look all shocked like they didn’t expect me to be so tactful. But stereo types never really applied to me anyways. I’m sure you can relate.

I wish I had a camcorder and could send you a tape of my day. That would be great television. I could show you pure comedy! Societies views on prison is so distorted and it reflects on the inmate population. Everyone trying to be something that they’re not. I try not to associate with fake people but if you think that is hard to do out there, try it in here! Everyone taking everything so seriously - crying around about the tiniest things that truly are so trivial. They’re like a bunch of blind people repeatedly bumping into shit and only a couple seeing eye dogs standing around blinking :)I feel this way so often. It is a pity that I didn’t realize it before I dawned my orange outfit. How long would it have taken without this absence from the world though? I mean to realize the thoughts, I have now to pave the road to my present way of thinking? Forever, if ever. So, I ask you not to be sad and not to worry about this soul that is your son. I will always be alright – as long as I learn every day and avoid a negative repetition. But even with a long night, the sun always rises and I love the sun rays on my face. We will always bask in the sun together. :) I’ve been working on a song in regards to this statement of mine. I only sing it in the shower. I have not written it down, but I’ll sing it one day and only you will know truly what it means. The main verse is: I’ll be waiting- for you in the morning :)

I get waves of melody beamed into my brain at times. I now know why the caged bird sings!? (I’ve been waiting for a chance to use that! Too much? :))

I saw this thing on black holes the other day and was fornicated by it in the middle of every galaxy there is a black hole holding it together. The crazy part is that it’s not really black since it bends the fabric (well is more like a collapse in the fabric of space and time. It sucks in light and there it is trapped and any sort of physics do not apply there. There was all of this stuff they talked about but it had me going. Most likely in 50 years there will be a hole other set of theories.

I want to thank you for sending me that $ I went and bought some sweats. It’s cold up here – not as cold as where you are but chilly fro AZ. It was 23 degrees this morning. The other day I went out to rec. in shorts. BRRRRR!

I miss you mama. I wrote the warden in hopes to get my visits back. She still hasn’t written back yet. But I know it will all be okay. I am still waiting on being moved. I need to though; I can’t stand my cellie. I just have no respect for him and find hime annoying. Being all celled up with these types of “people” :). I know at least is teaching me patience. I try and relate to where he is coming from. But it is just a juvenile place. I don’t want to go there. There is a huge difference between stupidity and ignorance.

Enough about that though. I hope to hear from you again soon. I miss you. I enjoy reading your words. I feel so loved and understood when I get your mail. Thanks for being you! I don’t know where I’d be without you- mot likely lost!

I need to write Mom and Papa today and So-Oh. Their letters read like a check list of their happenings. The same as their phone calls. I wish I could communicate with them on a deeper level…oh well.

I should wrap this up. I love you though. I hope you have received my last letters; I hope so. I will be sending you some more cards just as I finish them. I love you Mama. I say prayers fore you every day and I know that they work because you are who you are. And you continue to be strong and are an inspiration to me and the rest of the world.

I love you Mama! And as always you are in my prayers.
Love,

Jacob

7-15-06 and 7-22-06

2009-10-25T09:47:00.000-07:00

Mama,

Hey there! Well it’s me again. I’m sitting here pondering the unknown. There is some crazy stuff happening. They took my cellie almost a week ago. So now it is just My neighbor, Navin and I over here on this side. (He’s doing a life sentence.) He’s cool though- despite being a cop killer! :) Anyways, there are just two of us and now 9 of them. Crazy right?! Any way a lot of our bros and from that other group are having lock down in the hole. Well, yesterday when we were out at rec., we saw two of them getting out of there, along with this other guy that got beat up by us. This guy, Eli, smashed his t.v. over his head! Any how , he said that the big bro who was running this yard was trying to make peace with the other side. Now my cellie got a letter from that gu7y saying the same thing, but see that big bro can’t make a call like that w/out a lot of permission from the main guys. And he didn’t say that it was “approved”. So they called me and my only bro here out to the warden’s office w/ the S.T.E. guys (security threat group) and the bro that just got let out of the hole. He told us that the big bro just got the blessing to make peace. Well, if that’s not true and I become friendly w/ these guys, that is dangerous for us. So, I need to make sure that this is really happening and not just some evil plot to get us to let our guard down. So… I need you to send this letter to:
[gave me an address]

Just send it to this address here. I’m not sure where he is but it will eventually get to him. I will write you again tomorrow – a longer letter! :) But for now know I love you and I think of you all of the time, I hope and pray you are safe and happy. I miss you and hope you have a great dreams tonight- full of happiness and love. May you wake up with a smile on your face tomorrow. I know I will, one less day spent away from family – you! I love you.

Charlie

7-22-06 [Another letter]

Mama,
I’ve been getting a lot of rushes of excitement and anticipation lately. The last week was full of twists and strange turns, very much bizarre. I don’t know if you know this already, but the SSU pulled us out – well my neighbor and I. He is the only one left with me that came form the other side. Well they pulled us out to discuss a peace agreement with those other guys. I told them that we didn’t have any authority to say anything. The one that was running the yard when we left was taken by the STG (Security threat group) guys to the equivalent to the hole, C.D.U. over here. One of those head guys was over in the hole too and they were the ones that initiated the talks. But he still doesn’t have the say so through out the system. Well I guess wrote the “top dog” :) and he got the blessing. Well, at least that is according to him telling us. I’m pretty sure I told you all of this already . Anyhow, he sent his lackie, the one who’s running that side now to talk with us again. That’s why it was important to send the letter to the guy I’m under! So, for right now I have to listen to this guy who’s in the hole and make peace with these guys. I mean I don’t have anything against them and don’t really care why they started fighting. I mean I’ve heard both side’s versions from Rincon. It was just the fact that they were all tough behind a fence you know. It makes us look bad in front of all of the other races to be shaking hands, especially now that we are way out numbered. :) It’s not ego; it is just how prison is.

So, anyways, they gave us a sit down and we got their word and they got our word that we will put everything in the past and join together; which is good. I mean you want to talk about minorities! :) Give me a break! On this yard there are 800 inmates and only 13-15 were fighting each other. Who cares! You know!? Crazy! It’s not like we would throw a couple of punches and then back off when a guard comes. This guy I know in central walls was told to shank this guy when he went into the shower. Well, he did. After he stopped, the injured guy ran off and later died right on the cell block. The cops knew it was him because of the blood trail. He only had like two months left too. I’m guessing why he did it, but for what! Because he had a different tattoo? It’s just sad.

So, this guy, Navin, my neighbor, he is a coll ass dude- almost 30- he’s doing natural life for killing a cop! And people ask me why we’re not cellies! :) He just chose wrong. I mean you would think, I would feel some darkness coming off of him – I just feel sad for him.

Anyway, we went to the lodge yesterday, not knowing if we were walking into a trap or not! “) It was awkward for a minute, a very long minute! This guy who was with me in Buckeye was with them! I mean he has his shield and everything! Anyway, we shook hands- the way W.S. (warrior society) shakes hands. :) HA! And Navin and I were just sitting in the corner giving each other nervous looks.

So we put the lodge up while they started the fire and I picked up the drum and started to sing. And like moths to a flame they came and listened. We traded songs. I knew a couple of theirs and they knew a couple of mine. I lit a cigarette off of the big fire. And that one that with me in Buckeye threw me out there saying that I was the one that carried the pipe in Buckeye. I asked where their pipe holder was. I guess he was one of the many that “left”. So I started to fix the pipe and the herbs. I went back to the drum and sang a couple more songs. Then went and smoked with Navin. Now I had been telling Navin that I wanted to be the first to tell them, “ I want to welcome you back to the circle”, like when we first found out about the treaty a week before all of this.

So, who do they want to start the circle?

It had been a while, but I just let the words come and said what I had planned on saying. But I felt bad for coming out and starting the ceremony with spite in my voice. So, I also thanked them for welcoming us back into theirs. It was awkward just having these guys look at me. But at least I said good things. I just basically let it flow out and after we smudged. I let everyone have a say, but they were good thoughts. But there’s always a couple who have to overcompensate their “Indian-ness” :) It sort of reminds me of the movie “Dances with wolves” or some generic Native talk that one would see through the eyes of television.:) But it was sincere and that is what counts.

So the rocks were hot and it was time to sweat. So who do they get to run the sweat? I had never ran one before. I helped a number of times, but never owned it. So it was different to be conducting. But by this time, I was in the flow and it came out natural. Some say that when it’s really hot, there’s a lot of negativity in our hearts. But I think it is when we need the most healing. And it was HOT! The hottest since I’ve been here :) It was so hot like in 10 minutes in the first round we lost 2. The 5 minutes later, I was left with only 2 others. :) I mean it was hot but you have to suffer of the prayers. . I knew once we all prayed together, that there wouldn’t be that barrier between the two cliques. It was nice to see.

I mean this is the first in the history of DOC to have both sides put differences aside and join the same hoop. I didn’t really think about it, until I retired back to my cell all alone with my thoughts.

I feel more like myself than I ever have. Aid I like me and it feels good. If this isn’t a sign showing the potential of the future, I don’t know what is. I think my spirit guide was preparing me for this when I started to think of what I would say to them a week before I had to. That’s a nice feeling to know even when it is just me – I’m never alone.

So when everyone cam back into the lodge, everyone was almost enthusiastic and discussing the possibilities of a Pow-wow and Indian day (Sept.15). It was nice we finished and I had Navin say the closing prayer ( he refused to go in) :) He’s not very spiritual and was all “what do you want me to say?” :) He gave me this embarrassed look and I think he blushed, but I was all dizzy from the sweat. I told him to speak form the heart… and he did.

So, that is what your son has been up to. Next week I’m going to sit down with Israel and Hezbollah - :) Maybe a sweat and prayer could save Lebanon? (My middle eastern spelling isn’t so grand!) :)
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I love you mama and it’s getting late. But I had to write you because I miss you and I’m thinking about you. I can feel your prayers manifesting. It’s nice to know I always have you to look to fro a bit of inspiration. I’ll write again tomorrow. I love you, good night!
I love you,

Your son, Charlie

6-16--06

2009-10-18T21:45:00.000-07:00

Mama,

It will always make me feel so happy to hear from you! Your letters are full of love and inspirations- takes my mind off of all that I am surrounded by. I wish I can leave all of this behind. But your words do take me away. :) Everything you send to me stimulates thoughts and expands my mind – I love you!

I was watching one of these shows and they are now developing a hands free video game controller. You strap it on your head and focus on different emotions to enable your character to move. They (on the show) were also looking at using the software to help those emotional problems. How cool would that be? I think I would rather have a plug sticking out of my head though. :) Down load some memory. :)Maybe go and get an upgrade!

Poor Mom and Papa told me that their deal fell through.:( Papa sounded sad. I feel sooo bad for them. I know they were looking forward to that freedom. At least they don’t seem too bummed about it – but Papa’s so pessimistic any how. :)

I miss you! Have I ever told you that?:) I have that saying under my t.v. I love it! My face lit up when I saw it. I had a big smile on my face. I love you! It’s so simple and yet so true. I know not many people would grasp this concept, but it is not as though it is difficult to understand. So strange to be in the same place but be so far apart. :)I love you. I am so glad to be your son. I miss you. I wish I could eat your food, while talking to the early hours about nothing and everything. I miss your company. I miss your conversation, your humor and your food! I never realized how much of a great cook you are – well that’s to true. I did tend to pop in around dinner time – coincidence? :)I love you so much and I am so excited about the future and all that it will become. Everything I want hasn’t found me yet. But everything I need, never left. :)

So I started playing basketball. I suck but it gives me something to do. I haven’t been doing it lately though – like I said, “I suck!” :) I have been working out at rec. I feel better. It’s been about 3 months and I can see a big difference. Hopefully the next time I see you , you’ll be able to notice. I’m still a skinny dude, but I can tell a difference. I never noticed how lazy I was before. Crazy!

All of that nonsense is still going on over here. There were 6 of us over here from the other side – now there’s only 3 of us and 6 of them. I’m not too worried about it though. It’s not like I’ll die or anything. I just miss the bit of security I had on the other side. I have to walk the yard always looking over my shoulder, but that’s it. Those guys try and talk shit though a fence and stare at us. We just ignore them. They haven’t allowed us to go to sweat in about 3 weeks. The guards are keeping us separated. But they’re going to have to figure something out, because as soon as we have access to each other, it’s either going to be hit or start swinging.  I’m hoping they move me to the other side before too long. The 3 level paperwork wasn’t sent to central office until the 6th of this month. Who knows how long it will be until I become a 3. At any rate, I can feel your prayers. As soon as I walk out of my cell, I recharge my aura and then I feel fine. I’m not nervous or anything – so thanks! I love you Mama. I don’t mean to worry you , I just want you to know what’s going on – just the same old prison nonsense. :( I’ll be o.k. though no matter what. My angels are strong and so am I. :)

I love you Mama. I don’t feel I say that enough. :)
I miss you too. – do I say that enough? :) I sit watching t.v. and certain things I see remind me of you. I see someone cooking and they think they’re all professional. I just laugh and know that you make better food than them. I know I might be a bit biased, but we’ve had plenty of people over through out the years. And a number of them have told me that you cook the best food! They always want second MMMMM! I guess I’m just hungry :) and I love you :).

I will work on some more pictures for you too. I completely enjoyed your book on drawing. It helped me a lot. Thanks! My cellie saw the huge packet and asked what it was. I told him, “a book that my mom wrote.” He is an asshole though. My neighbor knows about it and was all impressed by you! :) It made me swell up with pride – as always. I and so glad you are my Mama! My beautiful Mama.

Your letters beam of positivity and overwhelm any negative that might be near! One day I hope to do the same for my own children. Thanks for being you. I have I’ll have you to thank for that.:) I am thankful for your guidance and love. I honestly feels that no one understands me as well as you do. We have so much to look forward to – so, so much good. Time is at a stand still right now. Even as the clock ticks by- I am stuck in time :(.

Yeah that one guy in Buckeye got beat up. My asshole cellie is in charge of this side now. I can’t stand him. He’s such an asshole that is full of negative shit. Ah- enough about him. Any ways he says if you can help out w/that to send it to this address:
(gave me an address)

Let me know if you can the next time you write, okay? I miss you. Thanks for being you!

The powers over here won’t let a Native American get a job because of all of that B.S. that is going on. Which sucks because I miss being productive and earning a bit of $ . And it never hurt anyone that bad.:) Hopefully soon I will be lowered in my security level and be able to leave this place and go somewhere where all of this craziness is non-existent. Maybe find someone that I can call my friend. You know all of this time that I have been in prison. I’ve only met 2 people that I would call a friend. I guess that says a lot about where I am and who I am ! :) It’s a shame though. All of these people will never amount to anything of be anything – so sad. It also makes me want to be more choosy with whom I surround myself with. I never really realized how important your friends are. Well people you associate with.

I truly appreciate having Martin as someone I can call a friend. He sent me a picture of his son and daughter the other day. They’re getting big. It makes me feel good to know that he can’t find anyone that understands his thoughts and ideas as well as me. I tell him the same thing, it’s nice to know that I’m not all alone in a world full of tools.

Besides that there is not a whole lot going on over here- just slowly doing time and counting down and living this out. Hope to hear from you again soon. I’ll start sending more mail your way, hopefully with some drawings in them. I love you so much. Your guidance and support gets me through so much. I truly appreciate having you in my life. I love you!

Your loving son, Charlie

[two letters were in this envelope]

Mama,

I forgot to tell you about getting time knocked off of my sentence. If I’m good for one year – ticket free- I can apply to have my good time given to me. That is one day a week about one year. I haven’t been in any trouble since Rincon, So I figure I’ll apply and see what happens. The department of corrections is the one that decides if I’m eligible or not. So I’m going to put in for it!:)

I could use a hug from you right now. I really miss you. Maybe you’ll be able to feel it if your focus. :) I do however feel your prayers! The knowledge that half of me is you- makes me confident in the face of any problem. The power you have is also with me. My angles will guide me and lead me in the right directions. I have nothing to do except grow and learn and become. I love you!

When I get sad I start to remember all of the wonderful memories my brain is full of. I can transport myself back in time so easily. Start to relive the happy times that we as a family shared. There’s so many it’s hard to choose, but I pick and I smile.

My favorite thing is not to go back in time but to focus on the future. See what ever my heart desires and make it a solid thought. A concrete thing in the hopes that one day my dreams will come true. They will not be just my dreams anymore, but be my real life and live in a world that I want o be in that I am responsible for. So many things – so many wonderful moments. It is hard to choose, but I pick! :)

I hope this brings a smile to your face- because it lights up my eyes and my soul rejoices in the solid future that will be ours.
As always with lots of love,
You r loving son,
Charlie

6-17-06

2009-10-10T17:08:00.000-07:00

Mama,

Hey there Ms. Mama! It’s me the good son. :) It’s another one of those long prison Friday nights. I was going to go out but I thought I would stay in and talk to you for a while.

I always look forward to Fridays. They put concerts on PBS filmed at Austin, Texas. Sometimes they are lame but its music. The radio stations up here aren’t anything like Phoenix. And I can’t get the Hopi station in this cell that I’m in now. Traci Chapman is on T.V. It reminds me of being at a coffee shop or sitting on a blanket at night while swaying. It’s relaxing at least.

I saw Jorj! I thought w/ the description you gave that he would look different. But he is fuzzy looking :). Looks like your style! I’m glad you found him. You sounded so excited and happy. I like to read you feeling that way. When I get you letters I can feel your energy imprint on it. It’s nice to feel such a vibe.

Usually, if I hear a letter slide under the door, I can tell if it’s you or not – Mom and Pap too. Without looking at the address or writing you have made a smile creating effect. :)

I heard form that Jenni the other day. It has been almost 8 months. She’s moved to Seattle with this dude whom she used to be engaged to. I know, I know she is a lesbian; she’s just a weird one. Anyway that made me a bit jealous- not of the dude, but of the city. I want to be there so badly. I know one day soon I will call that place home. You can have a place to stay there when you come and we can go out on the town and be a couple of Washington … apples ?:)

I miss you. I can’t believe it’s already 2006 and I am 23 with a mama who is only 29! Crazy times we live in. I’m just hoping the you remember that you are knowing how much of a positive influence you are on me, my brother’s and the world!

As I looked at your hand, I started to notice an eerie similarity between yours and mine. One thing that I really liked about the lines in yours and mine is this thing called the lines of Solomon. It runs from the inside of your palm starting in between the index and middle finger and wraps around your index finger to form a semi circle. You heard of king Solomon? Well, he had a ring tat allowed him to talk to animals – this is the ring! (on your left hand) This is the mark of spiritual attainment in your destiny- great potential in spiritual growth- Well Duh! :) I just really like to see it on you hand. It made me smile.

Your head line and life line are joined together in the beginning, which means you have strong control – mind over body. You life line runs down to your wrist which means that you have a lot more to do and longer to be here with me! :)

I’ll stick with our left hand. Your HEAD line – mind over body- okay. Your head line also swoops down towards the heel of your hand, which means you have a creative mind- intuitive thinking and is forked at the end which means in second childhood later on – lots of playing. Your head line and life line are in perfect angle for luck! Yeh!

You heart line starts in between your index and middle fingers which means you also have a tendency to give your heart away. But as you got older you received stronger emotional control and romantic endeavors :)often start after a friendship. Now this is all what you were born with. What you have done to your destiny is amazing! :) (Like us boys)

Your destiny line is joined with your life line and starts at the base of your palm which means sacrifice :[ But it shows a self made person that rises to a position of importance by her own efforts :). Also members of the family or someone otherwise emotionally bound to you :) are helpful and supportive in your career. Your fate line also makes two breaks more like branches, which is good. It forms a “Magic M” which is also lucky! You have no health line which is good and means that you NO health problems. You do however have a line of intuition which is doubled in some points , which means ESP, etc. – DUH! :)

This is all stuff you were with. You fate line also ends in a triangle which means you have a fortunate fate in store. :)

Now on to your right hand. Your fate line runs all the way to an even bigger triangle and is not branched at all. But you still have a “Magic M”. Your heart line has many interruptions but I think I know who is to blame for that!  But it is joined with you fate line. You follow your heart but your mind keeps it in check.

Your lucky triangle in the middle of your palm is HUGE! And your money line is doubled when it ends in your head line, which is all tied into your life. Any doubled line is great success in what ever area it is in.

You also have a strong girdle of Venus, which you don’t have on your left, which shows you have a strong interest in sex and sexual appeal among other things – Nasty Mama! :)

I wish I could see the mounts – which are the pads on your palm under you fingers, the softness and the wrist. Well, you can see… do you have like lines on your wrist that look like bracelets? I’m sure you do. The more complete ones that you have the more luck you have.

You sure are a lucky lady! :) All of your lines start and end in the same way. I’m surprised how much a like they are. The next time we visit, I’ll have to show you it is crazy!

You know something? In the beginning of the book, there are a couple more books that the company publishes. And it’s strange because there’s no a lot, but the names sound familiar: Edgar Cayce Premier, Edgar Cayce’s remedies, Edgar Cayce the sleeping prophet, Linda Goodman’s sun signs.

Do you remember Linda Goodman? She used to have tat Horoscope website that was accurate to the point of creepiness. But then they started charging to view – that’s a pooper! :)

Well, Ms. Mama it’s getting late. I’ll write you more tomorrow. I love you. As always you are in my prayers! I love you!

Alright, last night I was sleeping and it was about 2 in the morning when I felt someone like pinch me. But the thing is I’m all alone in the cell. And the side that was pinched was facing the wall! I’ve been talking a lot about Jesse. I guess he wanted to say, “Wake up!” At least I hope it was him, but there is no telling.  I just talk out loud to him. I can feel him with me. If someone heard me or saw me, they would probably think I was crazy. But I know he can hear me. It cheers me up too! You should try it, even though I’m sure you do. :)

There’s this benefit thingy, where you can buy ice cream – Rocky road for 2.50 a pint – limit 2- that I did almost a week ago. It should come on Friday, which I am very excited about. I don’t know how long it will keep in my little ice chest though. I’ll still drink it if it melts. I bought one for my cellie too but now he’s gone. I’m going to make myself sick!:)
I’m enclosing this add that I found in one of these magazines they send to me. (D>O>C) I thought you might like to see it. I don’t know if ti could help, but I think that it couldn’t hurt.

I need to write Mom and Papa after this. I used to call them more when I was in Buckeye. But now that I am up here I don’t want to run up their phone bill. I need to start writing more but I don’t. I heard form my Dad the other day. He is now living in Pasadena, CA. He’s been sending me post cards form over there, but he hasn’t given me his address. So, I can’t send him any reply. I don’t know if he and that Jamie are still together, so I don’t want to send something there. He’s weird anyways.

There’s this Chinese movie on right now. It’s called “Shoalin Soccer”. It’s weird like Kung fu while they play soccer – good stuff! :)

There’s this show called “Dudeson’s”. It’s like “Jackass” but I think it is better because they’re finnish- from Finland and they have funny accents. There is also another one that I have been watching called, “Raising the roofs”. That’s good stuff. When I watch it I am reminded of someone. I think it is a couple idiots I knew like Brady’s FAT brothers :) It makes me laugh!

Oh well I guess I should wrap this up and send it out. I miss you Mama and I’m glad to have you in my life. I hope and pray all is well in your world! I love you and the next time I smile, I will send it your way. Tell Mitch I said “What’s up!” and congratulate him on his job – nice place – but it makes me hungry!

I love you,
Charlie

5-22-06

2009-10-04T19:02:00.000-07:00

Mama,
I talked to the guy running this yard about all that crap that was happening over in Buckeye. He said not to worry about it and to f*** those guys. He said a circle isn’t supposed to be run that way. He sent word over for that guy to get smashed. I thought I told you about this in my last letter. I guess not. I’m sorry for the misunderstanding. You do make me feel like I still have someone to care for me out there! :) I love you! I miss you too! I wish I could have spent your birthday and Mom’s day with you. :) When I’m out we’ll have to make those lost days up! That is a promise!

I’m glad you had fun on your birthday thought. You deserve some time away from work and worries. It’s nice to hear about you becoming the little bird that doesn’t stress on where your worm comes form. :) I love you!

Yesterday was the official day making my incarceration a whole 3 years. It’s so weird to have been away from you for that long. It doesn’t really feel that long, but then again, it does. Everything is different; everything has changed. Oh well. I guess it is good, because I have changed as well (for the better) :) You have too! I can tell trough your words how much importance you have taken off of worrying. :) It’s not a bad thing. It is just like your understanding and putting to use “go with the flow”. :) I’m proud of all of your accomplishments. You might not think they are many. You have done more than you realize and everything you have done has laid the ground for your future. I was watching all of these people graduate from college on t.v.. I remember when you got your degree an how proud everyone was of you. When they called your name and you walked to get your diploma in your gown I said, “that is MY Mama!”

The other day, I was at lodge and no one else was singing. Everyone was just sitting around listening to me. It felt so normal. Two other guys were drumming. I had a rattle. Everyone was just watching me, listening. This went on for like an hour. I think this was something I was meant to do- not just now but later on. One day, I’ll sing you my songs. It’s been so long now; I know a lot. It just felt so right, it’s hard to explain.

I’m kind of nervous, right now. They are doing all of this rearranging, I guess they are turning this side of the yard into a 3 yard and turning the other side into a 4. But those other guys are over there and they are going to bring some of them over there and they are going to bring some of them over here and us there. I don’t know if I’m officially a 3 yet or not either way there’s going to be trouble.

I’m sad about this becoming a 3 yard. I was hoping to leave here shortly, but it must not be in the stars. It would be nice if trouble couldn’t find me and I could stay on a 3 yard – pray for me.

They will start the move tomorrow. This place will start serving lunch again on Wed. and the new store then as well. I want to be part of this lower custody yard and be able to live in peace with out worry. Maybe though- I’m hoping so.

I’m listening to the Hopi radio station right now. It comes in sort of statically, but it is cool. It’s nice to hear. They play all kind of music in the mornings, they play all kind of music in the mornings. They play all kind of music in the mornings. They play katchina songs mixed with pow-wow songs mixed with pow-wow songs, techno, a little reggae and chicken scratch :) They speak in Hopi a lot. Something about it makes me feel comforted. It’s like being in Soho’s house or something like that.

I think Mom and Papa will be disappointed to hear about this becoming a 3 yard. It’s so far away from the valley and them. :) But eventually something will happen – maybe? :)

I love you Mama! I am missing you as always. I hope you feel my love and prayers. I need to write down and couple songs for these guys, so they can learn. I need to do this drawing for my neighbor and this chief I also need to write Mom and Martin back. But I’m not motivated today -nerves I think. My eye has been twitching all crazily too. – Nerves. At least that is what I keep telling myself- hopefully. :)

I’m glad I have you to talk to and write. :)I was sot down for the barber job. So I had to file a grievance. But I’m not holding my breath. So, if I stay here I will be putting in for a teacher’s aide or a library clerk.

This guy’s a teacher’s aide right now. But he is definitely going to other side so he recommended me for the job. She said to just have me put in an application. But there’s no point if I am not staying, you know?

Oh well! I love you mama and miss you! One day I will be eating your lemon meringue pie; even if it is nasty I won’t complain.

Hopefully my next letter will have less eye twitching and be stress free! I love you Mama and I can feel your prayers and though they were hugs. I will write you tomorrow and let you know what happened.

I love you,

Charlie

4-26-06

2009-09-27T17:43:00.000-07:00

Mama,
I was so happy to hear from you as always! I was glad to finally get a picture of the Mandelbrot set and some love in the form of words! :)

I’m hoping that everything is better than it was for you. I’ve been sending you prayers and asking my daughter to help you. Jesse is already on your side! :) I have so much faith in you and all that you do. It’s kind of funny to hear about all the troubles ( not toe condescend) but once you get past all of the petty B.S., you’ll just think back on all of it and realize that the future as well worth the present. But until the universe catches up w/you stay strong and stay positive. I’m rooting for you!

I hope this gets to you before your birthday. I’m not sure how long it takes to reach WA. But if it doesn’t get there in time just know the mail man over here hates me :). I love you Mama!

I have good news. They re-classed me to a 3-3 which is a medium which means they will be moving me to lower yard, a better yard w/ more privileges and freedoms its still not official. But once it’s gone through administration and central I’ll be on my way it takes about 6 months before they move you but that’s really not that long.

I’m a little worried though remember how I told you there are two different cliques of Indian groups in prison- well in Tucson. I was with those Dines. At Central, Buckeye and here is the Warrior Society. Well, this yard is split down the middle. Onside is Dine and the other side is W.S.. When I first got to this yard I was on the other yard and told the lady that I couldn’t be over there or I would get stuck. So, they moved me and my new cellie, Paulo. He is cool. I’ve known him for about a year and a half.

Well there is a new Warden over here and he is trying to reintegrate us. So, they brought the two head guys from here and they’re to talk to the Warden and like 15 Cos. Anyways they tried to squash the whole issue, but none of these guys can speak for the whole system, so they just started fighting each other right in the Warden’s office. The Warden told us that he was going to move some of those guys over here and move some of us over there at the end of this month. If that happens well it happens. They’re just going to fight each other. So, hopefully, other people will see them first and I can stay put here. But if I can talk to one of them it is expected of me to smash them and if I don’t I will get smashed. Talk about a catch 22. :) So say some prayers for me. I just need to stay out of trouble for six months. Then I can move and forget about all of the politics. On 3 yards it is not as political as it is on these 4 yards. Good and bad. :)

I’m sure that no matter what happens, I’ll be fine! Mom and Papa told me they found a buyer for the land. I am so happy for them! Little Papa’s counting down the days ‘til escrow closes. I know it will happen though – despite all of papa’s pessimism. I want them to travel and live the way they want to .

Well, Mama I want you to have a happy B. Day. Have fun and eat a lot. Thank you for being you. The world is truly a better place with you in it. Mom and Papa truly brought in a gift from God into the worlds….you. Happy B. Day!

Your loving son,
Charlie

(Along with this letter was an amazingly beautiful b. day card that he made me.]

4- 14 - 2006

2009-09-19T16:36:00.001-07:00

Mama,

I just got your letter :). I was glad to finally get some mail. I was worried that no one would remember me especially way out here. It is shitty being here. I didn’t want to go.

Mama, I still need that to be done – I told those guys I would take care of it. They were worried when I was leaving that it wouldn’t happen. Just because I’m over here, doesn’t mean that that goes away. These guys talk to each other a lot. If it doesn’t happen, I’ll be smashed over here! F*** though, I didn’t know that things were that bad for you out there. Damn it now I’m scared a bit. I wrote my Dad and asked him but he never wrote back. I don’t know who else to ask. If you can’t do it, please let me know soon so I can start fight and not have like two dudes jump me. That makes me nervous.

There’s so much B.S. going on right now. Remember, when I first went to Tucson well those Dine dudes were over there when I got over here. But on the other side, I was afraid that they were going to get me, I came with three other chiefs from Buckley. But we were all running with Warrior Society. So we’re walking and the head of the Dines I know so he starts to scream, “Jacob!” I just ignore it but he’s all loud! Then they moved me and this dude from over there to here, this side is W.S. But the guy who runs the whole system runs this yard and is in my pod, he already knew I was coming! I’m just nervous.

I got here and I was supposed to be re-classed yesterday on the 12th. I saw and CO111 and she said that if she was going to re-class me she would recommend for me to be a 3.3, which would make me eligible for a Medium yard. I asked her how long it would take me to leave after I was re-classed and she said about a month. So, if all goes well, I will leave here shortly and go to a medium yard - hopefully, Florence or Buckeye again. I want to get back to the Valley. I’m way too far away. I didn’t even know where Winslow was. It’s about an hour from Flagstaff. They ride was nice so that was fun and now the guy I’m celled up with I’ve wanted to be cellies with for a while. He’s my age and I get along with him well. It’s been going by real fast. He’s re-classed too. So, hopefully we’ll go together. I just want to go home. But I’ll settle for a 3 yard!

I love you and I’m glad you wrote. I miss you. I’m going to try and get the barber job over here too. So I can get some food $.

They’re just calling standby for chow, so I need to hurry up and get this finished. Please if you can do it, send me a photo copy of it so I can show my head. If it doesn’t get there it makes me a liar to the circle and that’s not a good position to be in.

I love you Mama. I’ll write you more tonight. So, you’ll have more mail coming tomorrow. I love you know matter what I’ll be okay. Your prayer’s are working and I’m sending more back.

I love you with all of my heart. Thanks for listening to all of this drama. No one else lends an ear to listen. I’ll write more later.
Your loving son,
Charlie

4- 14 - 2006

2009-09-19T16:36:00.000-07:00

4-6-06

2009-09-13T09:52:00.000-07:00

Mama,
I’m nervous as hell right now. The guy who was running this side got taken last night. He owed like 3200.00 in debt! We aren’t allowed to mess around with that dope because of this reason. But he was in charger and he did it on the low and abused his power. The head dude sent word that the bros have to pay it and since I’m a shield holder, I have to help and I don’t know what the F* ** to say to these guys! I don’t know why we have to pay for that shit! Oh it’s frustrating and my week was going great! I just want to cry. I told that guy that you just sent 150.00 over to pay for the cash I swallowed and you could barely pay that. I told him the last time we got a check from the res. was like 3 years ago.

I wrote my Dad but the last time I heard from him was before Thanksgiving. I was feeling so good yesterday and now this. It’s like some cruel joke life likes to play – well the game of stress is not fun. I don’t mean to worry you, but I need your help. My friend Mike gets his tribal check this month and he’s going to help me out w/ 200.00 of it. But I still need 100.00 for the ‘cause” whish is such bullshit – I hate asking you for things especially $. It makes me feel 15 years old. But I need this to be done if you can. Here’s the address:

It pisses me off because at circle, I was the only one saying anything – any damn thing about how this was wrong. And I have backed some of those guys on other stuff and vouched for a couple, just so they wouldn’t get smashed and not one of them said a damn thing. And now I have this sickening feeling and no one to tell but you. And I hate making you worry. I just want a hug. I’ll tell you one thing if I ever see that guy again I’m going to beat his ass.

I just want to go home and be able to take care of shit on my own. I feel so helpless in here. I’m sure you can count me a dependent on your taxes.  Seriously Mama, I hope to hear from you soon. Your letters have a calming affect on my being and I’m craving that right now. I need reassurance that everything will work out and the future is well worth the present.
The future is well worth the present.
The future is well worth the present.
The future is well worth the present.
I like the sound of that! It’s sort of like saying, “There’s no place like home!” Except my shoes aren’t red and my little dog is an old man in a wheelchair. “Cellie, I don’t think we’re in Tucson anymore.”

Seriously earlier this week, I woke up not knowing where I was. I woke in a great mood, then I realized just where I was. Slowly I had to readjust myself to where I in fact was.
I have this big picture of you hanging in the middle of my shelf and that one of you and I, from the last time you come. I have one that Martin sent me of Jesse and Martin and one of my Dad, one of Mom and Papa and one of Jenni. It’s nice to see a bunch of people smiling at me. It helps keep me sane. A while ago, Mom and Papa sent me one of your little High school pictures in black and white. I have it with a picture of Jesse. But you have the same smile in the big one and the little on and almost look identical. – My teenage Mama!
I want to write you some more but I have to wait for more stamps. I have to write martin and Mom and papa too. I just hate writing depressing letters. When I’m not in a good mood it’s hard to write without conveying your feelings. Sometimes, I can tell what kind of mood you’re in, just by your handwriting- How bizarre!

I am so waiting to move now! I can’t wait to switch. I’m going to feel bad about leaving Ferguson, but I need to worry about keeping my mind right and bright. I can just feel it when in come back from work. Even though it’s my cell, it’s still home and the walls are coated in negative despair and I can’t live that way anymore.

I wish I could have a weekend pass for good behavior. Even just a day away from gates, barbed wire and especially the color orange! I just want to sit under a tree, eat some fruit and watch the clouds! I love you.

I feel such great things just out of reach and as my soul struggles to grasp achievement, I have to remind myself that one day, all will be possible. Despite the setbacks of the oppressed mentality, one day I will be able to press back, right? Right. I will press back. I have to.

You give me hope. Even thought you won’t be able to read this for a couple of days, it feels better to just write what’s on my mind and for you to understand my ramblings is the best support anyone can offer.

I feel better now- very therapeutic. I hope you don’t get wound up reading this. That’s not the point. Writing to you helps relieve stress and knowing that someone still remembers me, helps me stay positive.
The future is well worth the present!

Your loving son, Charlie

[Two letters came in the envelope.]

Mama,

I haven’t heard from you in a while. I hope everything is alright. I’ve been hoping to hear from you. So I can tell you my good news. I got the barber job! I put in for store, but they gave me the barber job which I don’t mind. I’m out on the rec. yard all day and only have Friday off- today actually. They’re going to move me upstairs with a guy that’s really cool. They should move me today or next week. So, it’s just a waiting game.:) I get paid about $20.00 every two weeks- which isn’t bad for in here. But they take away 7.00 in restitutions and my gate fee.

Martin wrote me twice last week. It made me so happy. He sent me a nice long inspirational letter that filled me with hope and confidence in the future. It was kinda’ like your letters do. Only yours also give me a sense of a big warm blanket - or warm milk. I find comfort in your words. I’m supposed to get re-classed this month too. I hope I can leave this yard already. But I have developed a strong sense of patience and will wait just to stand in line. 

My cellie isn’t thrilled like I am about the switch. But that guy isn’t mean or anything and they’re both old. They can get together and talk about Vietnam or something.

Oh well I’m glad things are finally getting better though. I have a feeling that 2006 is going to be a good year. There’s nothing left but a nice slow decent from the top of the mountain towards FREEDOM!!
I love you very much and despite me being several states away, I can still feel your loving heart.
Stay strong and keep positive.
I love you,
Charlie

3-22-06

2009-09-03T20:54:00.000-07:00

Mama.
Hey my Mama! I miss you! I’ve been wanting to get a hug from you all day! I just got a new pen pal I’m very excited about it. My cellie’s a thief and I get to reap the benefits. :) It is now March and I feels like winter never came. Time goes away when you don’t focus on it. Now I’m almost 23. You’re about to be 29 and little Cierra would be 2. I want to celebrate your birthday by baking a cake and doing all that I can to make you feel happy.

I just got the photo of Jeremy’s wedding and I’m a little jealous. I got pictures of Alex’s baby in the same letter. I feel like I should be doing the same things. One of these day you will cry at my wedding and see your grandchildren laugh and smile. I will send pictures of these events to people and make them jealous. :)

I just miss you. I miss family. I miss the security that love provides.

I’m going to pick up the pipe again. Which means more fasting. But I am really looking forward to it. I feel as though I have strayed form the path I was meant to take and now have the power to change for the better. Again! I want this to help me and those around me. Pray for me.

My pen ran out. :) I was drawing on it. I miss you today. It’s been a while since I heard from anyone. That’s sad.

I got their address for the wild life dept. I have to write them to ask for an eagle feather. It should come though. I have to write the tribe too. I have to have them verify that I’m a tribal member. I can’t wait for that. They’re going to send me 10. I’m going to ask for wing feathers. They said that I usually takes about 3 years but….

Next month we’re going to b e able to buy arby sandwiches. Oh Yummm! I can’t wait! It’s like $8.00 a sandwich, but I think it is worth it. I’m going to save up for a month to by some.

Lately, I’ve been feeling like my cellie is just sucking off me. It’s like a have a tape worm or a retarded kid. He’s really starting to get on my nerves. He does nothing productive. He doesn’t even take himself to chow. I mean his legs don’t work, but he can get around. I’m just tired of catering to him and it’s pissing me off. He’s just depressing to live with and it makes time stand still. I cannot wait to move! He got re-classed but it will take like 6 month for him to leave. I don’t know if I can take it that much longer. :) I just want to do my own time and live with someone who has hopes and dreams – aspirations for the future. But this isn’t him and I don’t want be part of that sad reality.

Hopefully you can sense my frustration and know it’s not coming from a hateful place. I just want a change. I want to wake up and happy and in a good mood. I don’t think that is too much to ask for. Oh man the life that is… I never want to give up and never will.

One day I will be around positive and productive people who strive for more than just what is. That knowledge keeps people sane.

I love you. I have that picture of us and whenever I am feeling depressed, frustrated- I just see your smile and I know that everything is going to be alright. I’m sure mothers around the world have that power over their children, but somehow you are special. I have people who can testify to this if need be!:) I am so lucky to have you as part of my life. I love you!

It rained yesterday. It may not seem that significant to you up there but it didn’t rain for 143 days or something which was the longest ever recorded. It was nice to see outside. I was freezing in my cell thought- just not used to the humidity I guess.

We went out to the lodge and it was raining. It was nice to start a fire while it came down. It felt like we were camping or something. We could sweat thought because all of the blankets were getting washed. So, that sucked, but it was nice anyway.

I have 47 month left. 3 years and 11 months. I won’t stop smiling. :) I feel anxious when I think about it – the chance to rebuild and prove my worth- man! I feel like the future is calling me. Great things are to come.

I’ve been craving some squash w/ butter. Oh man, I just need to change out of orange uniforms, get a good meal and take a deep breath of freedom and eat some food!! It’s nice to dream. I would like to go to the grocery store and buy anything that I want. Then take it to a kitchen and cook it up anyway I see fit. Close my eyes and smell the smells of cooking food. Watch food bake, bbq, broil and boil. 

I miss the satifactio of a hard day’s work and the sense of earning your keep, being able to provide for myself anf the worry of bills.  I’m tried of making ground, wasting my time. Being suppressed is over-whelming.

How’s your ne office? I hope you are getting good use out of it/. Mom and papa are always keeping me informed of your goings on. What’s up with Mitch? Is his leg okay? I heard that he had to keep it elevated? Poor dude. That most be a pain in the ass. Tell him if he needs someone to push him around in a wheelchair, I’ve got experience. ;) I was watching Monster Garage the other and I was reminded of Mitch. That guy Jesse James acts like Mitch. He talks like him too. Let him know that Jesse James is jacking his style. I like that guy always have. Jess thought he was the coolest. He was always, Mitch this and Mitch that. It was cute!

I was wandering if you could get me a picture of the “Mandelbrat Set”. Some color pictures of fractional geometry. Just look for it online. Could you find more info. on it? I was also wondering if you could find some info on “Veda5”. I was re-reading the Bleep book and they were talking about it. It said that they are the oldest know written text and I would love to get my hands on it to ponder.

You know I was reading the bleep book again. I sat it down and my thoughts were going to a higher place. There’s just something about it. It’s like my energy is recharged or something after reading it. I feel more philosophical. :) I wonder if you have had the same experience. Deep thought makes me feel like a genius. I’m just glad we can talk about this an even more grateful that you understand! :)

I was watching this Dr that I like to watch. He’s the one that gives lectures on the power of intention. Anyway, he was talking about how different things have different energies. His son was listening to some rap shit and he asked his son why he listens to that negative crap. His son was like because it’s “cool” and not negative. So he picked up the CD case and a banana. He told his son to hold out the banana over his heart and hold that other arm straight out and to try and resist the doctor’s two fingers pushing down. Well, the two fingers were no match o the arm. Then he held the CD case over his heart and repeated the process and the arm crumpled.

So, I tried it with the Bleep book and a can of chewing tobacco. And it really worked. Kind of funny thoughts are real. So think happy thoughts and I’ll think happy thoughts and everything around us will smile! I love you.
Your son, Charlie

2-15-06

2009-08-30T19:11:00.000-07:00

Mama,

I miss you! It sucks having you so far away. I wish I could see you every weekend. I love you.

I’ve been down for like 2 weeks – just an underlying feeling of blah. I’m sure it’s just the holiday rut though. I just miss my family. I wanted to make your trip more like that old days full of smiles and good conversation. It just seems as soon as you left, my mind was full of subjects to speak on and no one around me could converse, you know?

I miss you. I got sick a couple of days ago. I felt awful:). That’s one thing I miss about the past. There was always someone to take care of me. I guess I’m spoiled in that way. :) I love being babied when I’m sick. Nothing like being catered too. :)

I jut want another hug. I’m sure you know what I mean. I haven’t gotten any mail in so long. I used to get a lot and now I don’t I guess I was spoiled in that manner too. :) I’m just on spoiled little brat. :)

One of my bros gave me a radio so that is great news. They shook the yard down and took my cellie’s T.V. He’s all depressed. I don’t blame him. But its hard to keep positive when you have someone being so negative all the time. I’m going to move. I don’t really want to, but I can’t be around such negativity 24/7.

I feel as though hate is a fluid clot. It stops and people from growing yet leak’s out to other’s and I’m tired of people leaking on me :).

I had another dream the other day. It seems worth mentioning to you. I dreamt of Jesus I was protecting my wife from all of this chaos going on all around us but we were on our knees. And he was standing facing us as we knelt. All of the chaos was flying around and Jesus said, “God is love”. He didn’t have a face, but I know it was him – crazy! Now I see Jesus on T.V. a lot. I feel as though he found a path to God as do all prophets and hi epiphany was “God is love”. That statement seems so profound. It’s funny how Zen like it sounds, “God is Love.” Sounds like something the Dali Lama would say.

I need to write more. My motivation is in rations now. I feel drained and I think it is coming from a grumpy man in a wheelchair.

When I was sick I thought of your chicken noodle soup and split pea soup. I’ve been starving for your cooking lately. I miss food. I just want to get far. Everyone will say, “Fatso”. I just found out about this yard in Phoenix that’s all programs. It’s a 3 yard and I am giving it a try to get there. I’m so tired of not doing anything at all day. I need to be more productive.:)
I love you.

[This is the letter I thought that I sent to you already :) Better late than never! You are always in my heart and in my good thoughts.] I love you! Charlie.

(Two letters came in this envelope)

Mama, I was so happy to hear from you! I’ve been so depressed lately and nervous a bit. I keep feeling the same old depression feeling, I’ve felt in years past. I recognize them as lies, but never the less, I still experience these awful thoughts. I’m just missing the “what ifs”, you know. I am hating the life I am living or should I say existing in. The knowledge that I have 4 more years of this shit doesn’t fill me with joy.

I hate asking for shit and i hate being a burden. I miss being able to provide for myself and obviously I didn’t do a good enough job while I was out there. I feel like a 22 year old kid who needs his Mama because no body else cares. What kind of person does that make me ? A parasite. I hate this. I should be the one able to help others- what else is there? I don’t have much opportunity to do so. I just want a hug. I want to leave. And I’m tired of wanting. :) I feel so f***ing pathetic.- sigh- I don’t mean to vent the shit out on you. I just feel so bottled up and alone! I need to stop.

One day I will pay back all that I have take and makeup for past mistakes. I will learn from missed opportunities and wasted time. I will rise above trivial nonsense that I feel will always surround me. I know when this happens the “what ifs” and “could haves” will seem like a mistake I could have made.

One day we will all hunger no more for possibilities and everything will be within reach. I feel the universe trying to make me be myself and to be alone in this suppressed environment. It allows me to some how grow. The other letter was one that I thought I had already sent to you. I was surprised to find it in the back of my papers.

I’m gonna try and get some rest. I’ll write more in the morning. I love you and I hope you are sleeping soundly. May peace find you in your dreams. I love you.

I don’t know how much my past lives sucked, but I feel like this is my payback. Yeah there’s been some shitty things, but I feel the urge deep in me to share my heart. There’s so much I should have created by now. I want to use my gifts before I lose them. Does this make sense? This is the feeling the I endure every day or at least the best way I can describe it. That is depressing! :)

What do you think about going around to different businesses and offering to sell their gift cards for a fee and once you get enough- start up a little kiosk selling nothing but gift cards. People always get gift cards when they don’t know what else to get someone. What do you thinks? It could work online too. – maybe even just through the internet. It’s an idea that came to me.

You remember the hair idea that I sent you a while back? I made the prototype the other day. I’ve been wearing it around. I made it out of some leather, I got from my cellies wheelchiar glove and some Velcro. It’s black and sort of blends in. I tried to embroider this on it (he had a little person design drawn), but I took it out.

My cellie just got reclassed to a 3 yard. I can’t wait to leave this yard behind! I have about one year on this one. :)

Mama, I miss you! Lots of things tend to leave my thoughts back to my childhood. How grateful I am to have Memories to go back to; without them I would go crazy. I was lucky to have been surrounded in love as I grew. They also make me sad, you know? At least I know I have more experiences to go through in the future. Happy memories to make- just waiting for our family.

I love you Mama! I need to hurry up with this letter before we go to chow. I want to get this to you soon. I just want you to know that I am thinking of you. I’ve been feeling alone and writing to you helps me realize that I am no. Actually I am anxious to hear from you. No one else’s words mean as much to me as yours do.

I pray you are doing well. :) Don’t work too hard either. Relive stress as needed and always remember that I believe in you. Soon it will be all over with the best possible outcome. Hard times will become memories that we can laugh about later on. In the future is where I dwell and in the future all is well! :)
I love you always.

You loving son, Charlie

1-31-06

2009-08-10T19:05:00.000-07:00

Mama,

I’m sorry I have not written sooner. I’ve been with out $. I wanted to send you my words. I miss you and I love you. I’ve been so nervous lately- just uneasy. That $ you sent didn’t get here soon enough. That guy says we still owe $50 more. But that’s bullshit. My head dude stood up for me and said after that the matter is squashed. So I hate to ask you for more $ , but can you send $50 more to this guy’s family’s house. [He supplied the address].

There is so much tension in the air lately. We aren’t allowed to talk to anyone Black anymore and the Mexicans are going wild. I can’t wait to leave!

I just got those pictures we took at the visit. I thought I would send one to you- the one with you, Mom and I. I like it.

I’m watching the “Legend of the Fall” right now. I sort of like this one, but it’s sad. I wish you were watching it with me. It’s the movies that make me pine for freedom and love. But for now I’m immersed in patience. I love thinking of the cabin. Forest surrounding cabins on land far away from the chaos of the cities. I just want to walk into nature, away form all I see now and just be alone. But it would also be nice to have somewhere I could leave if I felt the urge and just be alone- yet come back to a home.

I haven’t heard from anyone in almost a month, excluding you. I would hate to be all alone. Mentally I thank God for having you in my life. One day I will be able to pay you back and make you so proud. I want to be able to show you that your love and support made my success possible and without it I would be nothing.

I regret all that I have ever taken for granted and never want to look back w/ regrets again. With all the guidance you provide, I’m sure this is possible; it is an eventually. I love you.

I wish I was there w/you during Charlie’s ordeal. I’m just glad you weren’t alone. That night I dreamt of him, but I didn’t realize it. I dreamt of a black dog growling at me, so I just stayed still. I was laying down and he came up growling yet, instead of attacking me, he laid his head down and used my feet as a pillow. (sound familiar?) As I moved, he picked up his head up and looked at me growling. But when I looked into his eyes, I could see confusion. It was like he was in pain and the only thing that gave him comfort was resting on me. That day I called Mom and Papa and just knew.

He was the best dog. All of my future pets won’t compare to him :). I loved that dog. I’m glad at least that Jesse and Cierra have someone to pal around with :).
All dogs go to heaven and Charlie was the star! It’s good that he’s out of pain thought. I’m gonna miss him.

I’m waiting to go to the lower level custody yard. It won’t be much longer. I’m guessing within the next year. I can’t wait. I feel like I am just existing in this cell, not doing anything productive. I’m starting to hate pushing my cellie around. I haven’t had a break from him since you came to visit. But when I get frustrated, I start to realize tat he must preparing me for something or I’ll just think about how I would feel if I was in his place. That usually chases away the negative. I just want to laugh away the pain. Smile at the nonsense that makes up this life that I lead right now :). One day, I will be able to sit down and tell of my time spent away form society- all with a smile on my face.

I understand completely about the detached emotions feeling. I think you can only feel a certain amount of crisis and all the emotions that go with crisis, before you learn from it and sort of move past those naive feels. It’s as though you’ve been there and done that and just knowing that there’s more to it than that. So I don’t think you’ve numbed yourself- just learned that crisis is a lie. Nothing is as bad as it seems. Even as I write this, I’m like, “Duh!” :) I love you.

That’s strange too, to think that most people go their whole lives without realizing this. “Realize”- I am starting to love this word. There’s something about it. The dictionary says: to make real of understand or comprehend fully; to obtain or achieve. Realize. It’s like whatever is right in front of you, yet didn’t realize what it was, blinded by your own eye’s – your emotions help you realize depending on instinct to fully understand. And there’s a certain satisfaction in that :).

I want a lemon meringue pie or key lime – ooooh coconut cream pie. I’m in pie mood. I can’t wait for real food- good home cooking- Mama food :). I love you!
I don’t know how heave this picture is so I will try and wrap this up. I have 48 months left if nothing happens w/ my case. 4 yrs. I feel like a different person now compared to the way I felt and the way I thought before I came in and for that I am grateful. Live and Learn, experience and enjoy.

I am grateful for the chance to get to know you better. I feel closer to you and fro that I am extremely grateful. If we never exchanged thoughts like we have in the past 3 years, I don’t believe I would have grown the way I fell I have. I am so fortunate to have you in my life. You’re one of my best friends. Thank you for being you. I love you.

My friend went home yesterday. After 4 ½ years, he left the gate. I was talking to him yesterday and the happiness he felt- I could imagine. His mom drove down form Denver, CO to meet him at the gate and all I could think of was the day I leave. It seems unreal, but the thought is a concrete one.

The knowledge that I have somewhere to go when my day comes fills me with happiness. I was so excited for him. I couldn’t stop thinking of him all day. I can’t wait to walk in the parks you talk of. I want to see the WA coast and walk barefoot in a forest. Just knowing that all this is possible is enough to get me through all of the bull that I am surrounded by.

You will be all you are. All you wish and all you hope are concrete thoughts, waiting to find you. Success has been waiting for you to find it. I can’t wait for you to be where you want. It’s so close! I can almost feel it click!:)

I love you so much Mama! Your words and thoughts fill my mind with love and hope. Proud is an understatement when describing the way I feel :).

One day soon, we will sit down and eat a huge meal as a family. Love will embrace us all. And everyone we have lost will rejoin us in spirit and we will just know. I love you.
Your son, Charlie

12-31-05

2009-07-19T17:06:00.000-07:00

Dec.31, 05

Mama,
Hey there lady! I got your letter the other day. Man was I glad to hear from you! It seems as though my life revolves around your conversation. I feel so alone w/ my thoughts no one to share them with. I haven’t been getting that much mail lately so your words were very comfort in. I tried and explained the things I’ve been talking about w/ you to Mom and Papa, but I’m guessing their thinking I’m losing my mind! :)

Some turkey crepes sound so good right now, MMMM! I read that book- both of them the same night. I got them and couldn’t put them down. The concepts had my mind in a twirl. I try to share and explain with those around me but it’s a waste of breath. Not too many people are at where I am right. I want you to read it and let me know your overall thoughts. I think you’ll enjoy the part with this gathering of wizards and the many Harry Potter references. I could just see you. It seems that every Thanksgiving, you talk about the meal that the convicts get when papa was a prison guard. :)

It’s not like that anymore. I just got a bit of turkey, some shitty pie, a spoon full of cranberry sauce but it was nice to taste; even if it only left me wanting more. I’m glad you had a good time though. I sat and thought of all of the past meals we have shared together on that day. I hoped that you were enjoying one of those happy moments again. And as I sat eating my shit ass pie, I longed for some of your apple pie! I love you.

I’m very excited to sit and talk with you face to face. I feel it makes me a better person to sit and have an intelligent conversation with someone I love. Especially with all of the topics I feel that we were destined to have in reah to discuss. I can’t wait!! You asked me what I want for x-mas, I want my Mama!` :)

Love,

Charlie

[ 2 letters came in this envelope]

Mama,

I need your help. I’m nervous about that money! The head of the block told my head that every week, he is going to add $50 to the total. It is up to $150 now. He wants $50 in store, so I need $50 in my books and $100 sent to him. He’s at this address but hi number is ******* and his name is ******** ******** Please, send this as soon as possible. I need this done.

I hate being in this situation. I promise I won’t move anymore kites around. I already told dude that I won’t. There’s so much drama when it doesn’t get there. I just want to leave here and forget all the evil.

2006 is just around the corner. If nothing happens with my case, I only have 4 years more to go. That fact makes me smile. I already miss you. :) I have to wrap this up, we’re going to chow right now.
I will write those other people and quit procrastinating about it.

Thank you . I love you.
Charlie

P.S. Tell everyone ,”HI!” for me!

[A rogue page]

I was feeling sad earlier. Just missing Jesse, so I thought I would write you. :) You are my happy thoughts.

It’s strange that you said that Tony moved in with Christifer. I had a dream that I got out and Christifer and Tony were living together. Tony ordered a pizza and planned all of this stuff, but my Dad had asked me out to dinner and Tony was sad Funny those two guys always had a hard time with the opposite sex. I see them as an Indian Odd couple. :)

All that snow freaks me out. It’s 34degrees at the lowest and that’s too damn cold. I can’t imagine that being a high. BRRRRR!

I’m glad someone is seeing my future. I’m having a hard time picturing my future. I know I need to picture and focus on something in order to achieve that. I only have the urge to achieve something. Tonight I will focus on it and let you know in the morning.

I couldn’t sleep, but I have decided that ultimately I want to sing. I feel I need to be in the public eye in order for people to hear my thoughts and call attention to relative issues. Maybe act or write screen plays. Have I told you my idea about a movie? I want to switch the societies on the Americans and Mexicans. I want the English speaking pilgrims trying to sneak into the U.S. which is a Spanish speaking country. It will show English speaking white people living in squalor, searching for jobs that don’t exist in their own country. Then going through all of the things that illegal’s go through, all of the struggles and prejudices. Working B.S. jobs just to be found out and sent back. I will start out saying that the U.S. was founded on a group of illegals inviting more and more.

Nov. 14, 05

2009-07-03T14:03:00.000-07:00

11-14-05

Mama,

I was so glad to get you letter your words make my days brighter. I love you ad miss you a whole lot. I could use a hug.

I got a letter from the ASU people. It wasn’t good news. They decided not to take my case this semester. I can try again in Jan. They directed me to this justice project- I’ll be writing them next. I still have hope and maintain my faith. It just leaves me sometimes, you know? I just get so frustrated w/the monotony of this reality I’m in. It gets old. I try to not see the remaining time I have to do. I try and think of my life after prison. It just seems so far off. I put it out of my mind. I know I shouldn’t but it happens. I try to do helpful things. I am taking that quote you sent me to heart. I try to be happy and cheerful. It’s difficult in this house I’m in. There is so much negativity and ick. I say nothing to most people. I miss house 4 – the people were just better. I couldn’t feel hate over there. Now it seems like I am just drenched in ick. There’s no respect, no camaraderie. I don’t like it, oh well. I am able to see it for what it is. I hope to learn something from this. If not, I fear I ma doomed to repeat this experience. Say some prayers for me. I love you and I miss you.

I pray that you are well and happy, protected and comfortable. All the happiness in the world I want for you. I hope as you read this you stay away from the negative and continue to be the shining light you were born to be. You’re my beacon of hope. I love you my Mama.

I was watching this show on Van Gogh the other day. They showed his complete works. There was something he said the that i loved, “The pearl is the result of the oyster’s pain.”. I just thought that was so profound. I wrote it down. I thought you might like to hear that. He was a strange man. It was sort of depressing though. The painting of the wheat field with crops was the last painting he did. After that he went back to his hotel and shot himself. Such descriptions lead me to think he was a tortured soul. Another one of our greatest loses to the negative. He was friends with Monet, Manet and Renoir. I tend to wonder how much influence he had over these now famous artists. Unknown to him I am sure. It’s no coincidence that all of these associates became who they are (or rather were) , you know what I mean? Without him how would we know who he collaborated with?

It helps me to know how much influence just one person can have on the world- just by living their life and living their passions. Evan after we die, we can still change history. I think Jesse had such an impact.

I love you Mama and hope you are surrounded by love tonight – cozy and warm. I want to thank you for the Halloween card too. I have it up in front of all the others. :) Full Moon!!! :)

I’ll just send you the paper that the ASU people sent me. Jenni and So-oh wrote me tonight. That was nice- two letters! WOW! What a night. I got pictures in both. One was of Brianna and Patti and a couple of Jenni and her “friends” It is still nice to receive mail thought isn’t it?

Lately, I’ve been getting glimpses into people’s lives. Something will catch my attention about them and I can see a moment in their lives. The CO had his utility belt on and I could see it being tossed down on the floor of an old dusty truck as he drives home. I get the impression of him being depressed as he heads down to either an empty house or a loveless marriage. He has kids but doesn’t see them as much as he wants and he’s sad about that. I get all that from a belt. He’s lonely. Maybe I should start talking to him. Just a hello in the morning or even a head nod. Tomorrow, I will do that. It might help him change his outlook.

It’s weird how something so small as a “good morning” can change your day. I know when these C.O. ’s tell me, “Hello”, it brightens my day and makes me feel human. Oh I know that sounds strange “to feel human”, but being a person and not a “them” is a nice feeling especially when everyone is either orange or brown 24/7.

Writing to you is very therapeutic, I have to say. I don’t feel the need to sugar coat or be vague about any of my thought. Thanks Dr. Mama. :)

I told you about all of the drama over here, right? How my old cellie got into with furgerson’s cellie (dude in the wheelchair) and they both left the yard after a fight. And now fergerson and I are cellies. Oh I didn’t ant t worry you. Wow- I guess I do sometimes tend to be vague- oops! :)I was in Tuscon with Furgie. He’s cool. He is another one from Montana like Buck. He’s 51 years old or so and a really nice guy. We get along great, so it is a great buffer against these others in here. We tend to keep to ourselves. He’s doing 27 years and has the same charges as me. Poor dude. I feel bad for him – no kids-no family-no siblings. I got much love for the dude though. And the bros look out for him. He is working on a sentence reduction and appeal. I hope he gets it.

It could always be worse. I am thankful for all that I have. I need to start appreciation my life more thought and quit being bummed out. Destiny is on my side and there is no fear of fate. I just want to follow the right path now, you know. I’m tired of dead ends and retracing my steps. I want to be everything I was meant to be and nothing less. I’m just stuck right now- the world seems to be on pause except for all the chaos and evil that seems so negative in the eyes of the media and I have no other sight. I think I just need music. My soul is singing yet I have no voice. Can you sense my frustration? Sorry, I tend to babble. :)

I love going to the lodge and singing songs with my heart. I feel pressure releasing with every note. I sing so loudly; the whole world can hear my soul. I swear creativity boils when suppressed! :) Sometimes I feel like I’m going to burst. I love to sing these songs - any good song really. It’s just the most
(prison) socially acceptable way for me to it with a drum. People show me respect. That’s hard to define and I like it.:) The only one that sings now is my head dude. He calls me his right hand song man and that’s cool for me. I just wish others would want to sing too, so that they can share in one of my favorite things to do. There is something about people all singing at the same time together that creates a unity. You can’t get it any other way. Even chanting in unison – think of protest songs- anti-war chants- there’s a unity when these people voice the same thing. Or at a concert when the band plays a song and the whole crows sings along. I still get goose bumps at the beginning of a baseball game when the stadium sings the National anthem. Ooooh chills!

One day I will lead a crowd of people all to the same plane of thought and give them the same chills I experience. I will be quoted like our friend, Van Gogh. I will fill emptiness and shine light on darkness and lead people to dwell on a simple sentence that has a profound impact on their realities. To change the world with a simple sentence would be a feat. Add notes to the words and reach people even further, that is an accomplishment. Generations after our own will be inspired to unwind the evil, chaotic snowball that is engulfing society.

Alright I know it took a couple pages to finish my thought, but once again, you are the only one i feel safe enough to unload upon. :) I love you my Mama! Thanks for being here for me and providing intelligent conversation. :)
Thanksgiving is around the corner and x-mas is after that. Bah Hum Bug!!! Well, eventually we’ll create new memories as a family. Happy ones. I know it. :) I can hardly wait.

I want you to know how proud you make me. You inspire me to create beautifully positive things. You motivate me to be the best person I can possibly be. I hope one day to live up to the standards you have set as a parent. You are the strongest willed, insightful, understanding, creatively intelligent person I know. I love you and thank God you are in my life. One day I will make you proud of me, as I am of you.

Sleep well and let goodness surround you every moment. Your boys are pulling for you!

You loving son,

Charlie

[two letters came in this envelope]
Mama,
I thought I should tell you one more time before I sealed up this envelope. I know it is not a hug, but it is close enough. Sorry again about the slow playing response. I don’t know what’s up. X-mas time is right around the corner and maybe I’ll see you then. I get re-classed next month. I’ll be a 4-2, But I will ask for an over-ride as usual. I want to go down to a Medium yard. I’ll have things like walking around, taking a shower every other day, getting a good job and being around more than just my cellie. I will be able to talk to other races with out fear of reprisal. Yep it will be nice! Oh yeah a better store too. They sell those little cups of soup on a three yard. I want to see one of those right now. I bet it would taste great! MMMMM!

They just called standby again, so I’m going to have to wrap this up. I love you my Mama. I still haven’t heard from those ASU people yet. So, I have no idea what’s going on. I was all excited for a minute, but it’s faded. If you could give them a call, I would appreciate it.

I love you immensely my beautiful, intelligent mother. Tell Mitch I said, “Hey!” and give that dog of mine a good Charlie hug for me. As for yourself remain positive and nothing will bother you or distract you! I love you!

Charlie

12-5-05

Hey there pretty lady! I got those books that you sent! I already read them. I was dumb founded when reading that “What the Bleep do we know!” There was so much to digest, it blow me away though. I love it!

I read that Sylvia Browne book before there other and it’s strange how most of the books I’ve read talk about the same types of concepts. In the Sylvia book, she talks about Edgar Cayce. In the Edgar Cayce book, he talks about basically the same thing. They all seem to run together on some level. Thank you so much!

I was trying to explain the concepts of the book to a couple of people. But as soon as I mention quantum physics” they tend to get a certain look. It’s always the same blank stare as if I am talking in a foreign language. It’s very funny but it makes me feel alone. The sad thing about a closed mind is nothing new goes in, but even worse nothing old gets out! Oh well at least I have you to talk to! :)

It is already December and I’m starting to feel the Bah hum bug effect. Almost everything on t.v. is revolving around the x-mas crap! One thing that is keeping me happy is knowing that you might come and visit me this month! I am so excited to see you! Oh to have intelligent conversation! Don’t’ me wrong- Mom and Papa are smart; it’s just that our conversation seem one sided.

Mt cellie went in for surgery today. He has a tumor in his bladder which has to suck because he has had a catheter up there 24/7.It’s been coming out a lot lately too – poor guy!

We got store today. But they messed up on my order and I didn’t get any stamps. So I had to borrow one. I need to write everyone back and I’ve been bullshitting around waiting for these stamps that never came. Oh well, I guess they will have to wait again. Not a whole lot has been goin on over here. I’m just doing time. Sadly, I have not heard anything yet on my case – so… I just sit and wait again.

I heard from my Dad the other day. He sent me some $. I ordered a new radio, head phones and new shoes. I had a little left over for store this week too. So that’s cool. My friend that works in the store got me a sweat shirt and pants – new ones too! That’s a good dude. He’s always lo0oking out for me. Everyone keeps asking how I got them on a count of they’re not selling them any more. I just dust off my shoulders and laugh. Now all of these dudes keep hitting me up like I’m the man with the plan! :)

I do miss you though. I wish I could hear your voice. But I’m sure I’m not the only one that feels that way! I love you my Mama. I pray all is well with you in the freezing place you call home :) It’s like 68 degrees and I’m freezing this morning. It was 35 degrees and the wind was blowing cold air. It froze my ears.

I love you and miss you as always! Stay warm and continue to alter your everyday reality.

I Love you,
Charlie

[two letters came in this envelope]

Mama,

Hey again! I’ve found inspiration today and I thought I would share it with you! It’s been cloudy outside which I love. It makes me a bit hyper. I’ve been harassing my cellie all day long and that is getting old. :) Mom and Papa are coming to see me tomorrow, so I am getting excited. Its been a while since I have seen them. I saw them. A month has gone by without a visit, so it will be good to sit down and have a good talk. I’m writing for Jenni to come, but I haven’t written in about a month. Yikes! I need to write her back.

I don’t want you to think you will be too old for adventures when I get out. You are not your parents and do not smoke like a train. You will be an active part of your grandchildrens' life; I will see to that! :) I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Mom and Papa weren’t on the “side lines”, they were there and have always been an active part of my life! But you will be able to be more in your future grandchildrens' lives.

I’m glad your getting to teach your classes again. I know how much you love being around little folk! You enjoy molding the young for the better.

The things you are reading and the things I have been reading, seem to lead our thoughts in the same direction. In both of the books you sent, they are talking about the same issue. The energy that is us- that will be after our life. The energy that creates our present lives are two different energies and yet one in the same. It plays into reincarnation. But I think the life we live now adds to whatever we were before we become the “I” that we are now – the eternal “us” soul. And if you don’t learn the lessons/experiences then you are doomed to repeat – until your soul understands. We continue on this cycle until we’re ready to move towards the next level.

Edgar Cayce writes about this, but on a more vague level- like we have worlds. There is the world you and I share and the world we own different views. Let’s say, you and I are talking. We express our issues and then the conversation stops. We each go into our minds to mull over the thoughts – yet come back to express our thoughts further…ying and yang? :)

It’s almost as if you go back to consult with past life experiences in order to fully respond to each other. :) Yet, I believe that the consciousness can communicate with each other too. I’m sure you can think back on an experience and verify this theory. Nothing separates us from each other. Freaky! :)I love you!

As I’m writing this , I am going ove your letter to answer any questions you may have asked. I see you writing what I am thinking – that I could only talk to you about these things. :) ha! Everyone else is…. Everyone else! :)
I’m so glad to have you in my life. It’s nice knowing that someone else is pondering these thought along with me. Thanks for being you!

In a 3 of these books, they suggest saying what you wish and knowing it to be true, acting as though you had or become this whatever and the rest will follow. It’s like you have found your favorite part of a puzzle. You just need to focus on it ant the universe will fill in the rest for you!

I’ve done this a number of times w/out realizing it. I’ve done it to accomplish minimal goals that would get me through a couple days or months. I have many examples, but I think some of it is just “going with the flow”.

I am looking forward to getting free, to experiment with possibilities of my future. Anxious? :)

I love you my Mama and I wish for you to be the little bird who eats without worry or fear of not eating. The universe loves you, as do i.

I miss you though and I pray for you everyday. I have faith in you and faith of us and a family. I can see you surrounded by little ones reaching to them and their eyes full of wonder. I can see us as a family laughing and enjoying each others company as we never have before. Not so much as see it with my eyes, but feel it in my heart.

I hope you are doing well mentally, spiritually and are happy in your home. One of these days the universe will surround us w/all we deserve. Until then we are those people completely satisfied and fulfilled. See your dreams and become them. As always my love surrounds you. I’ll be home shortly.

I hope you can still read my handwriting. Yours looks like mine , but yours is better though. :)

As the sun goes down, so dwindles my thoughts tonight. I will write when I feel I have something to say. I love you.

Your loving son,
Charlie

8-20-09

2009-06-09T21:30:00.000-07:00

Mama,

I love you mama! I’ve been w/out $ for a while so it took some time to get some stamps. My friend got me some stamps. My friend got me some today. So you are my list. :)

I got a job! I’m now a dive bomber which is basically a fancy name to pick up cigarette buttes. But I’ll get to go outside most of the days. I haven’t started yet, but hopefully next week.

Have you been watching our show? Every time I watch it, it makes me feel as though were on a couch together. I can almost hear you say “ooh spooky” :)I miss you mama and I hope you are doing better now. I know in your last letter you sounded a bit depressed. I keep you in my prayers everyday and I know you’re going ins the right direction for success. I want you to keep positive. I’m pulling for you.

Did I tell you that I heard from those A.S. U. people last week? They wanted to know a couple of things about my case and asked if I would send them a police report. So, I’m just waiting for some $ to send that huge thing to them. It made me smile to think of the possibility – you know?

Besides that no a whole lot of things going on over here. My new cellie is on over here. My new cellie is going home next month on the 9th. So, I’m trying to get back to house 4. I don’t like it too much over here. All of the people are negative, dope fiends and I don’t like to be over here surrounded by that. I don’t’ fit in with those types of people. They treat me like an outcast because I don’t mess around. But whatever, I just keep to myself and do my own thing. I’m still working out trying to put on more meat. I’m sore all of the time, but it feels good. I’m still hell of skinny, but I’m getting there. Give me another 3 months and I’ll be good. I’m trying to bulk up though, so I’ll keep on a regimen. :)

They changed the store to these other companies; but there’s better stuff. They are selling these Nestea mixes. Remember those? You used to get that kind at the price club. I can’t want to affords some. Yum.

I do miss you though- I wish you were closer. One day soon. I’ll be around more. I can’t wait! But I will. :)

Alright today was my first day @ work. It was cool. I just picked up cigarette butts and walked around the yard. I guess I get paid 25 cents an hour. I know it doesn’t seem that much, but give it two weeks and it will add up to a couple of $ enough to buy some tea! I’ve been so…blah! You know. I am trying to write more but I just can’t seem to get motivated. I wish I had things going on that seem worth writing about.

I need to send you a letter; its been too long. I know you’re probably worried. It’s not that I have forgotten; I just feel gloomy.

The Gila River Newspaper wrote to me asking if I wanted a paper sent to me. It is free but I have to pay for the shipping and handling. For a year subscription, it is $12. After I save up enough money I will probably send for it. A nice newspaper for a year, once a week. That sounds great.

I have been watching all of these travel shows. I want to experience all of these places first-hand, I want to travel to Europe. On foot and experience all of the splendor up close and personal. But it might take a while. But that seems that all I do is wait. Patience is something is something I can now say I have and plenty to spare. So, I will just wait and see when I can afford it or my life can handle such a thing. I also want to travel the Micronesian countries and the Polynesian Islands and New Zealand. I feel like I have something to do over there. I guess I just want to see the world. I want to be somewhere else besides America right now. :)

I do miss you Mama. I am hoping that everything is works out for us around x-mas. I would love to see you all at the same time. I’m sure everything is going to work itself out. I need to write the A.S.U. people and find out what is up.

My left ear hears word not as well as my right as I’m writing this I started w/my ear bud in my left ear and I was completely focused on the letter. But as soon as I switched to the right ear, I was switching back and forth- dividing my attention between the T.V. and the paper. Strange.

Sorry for not writing more. I’m waiting for some $. I got some stamps today! And guess what? I got a book on Dali as well! Can you tell me who sent it? :)Thank you so much Mama. I love it so much! I saw all of the paintings and love them. This art is amazing! I love it! There is all of this art floating around my area, new exciting work that has been inspiring my thoughts. There’s this show that has been coming on PBS, “Art 21”. Its been a showcase of all of these contemporary artists.

Its raining out has been for two days. I like it but want a jacket. They haven’t handed them out. But when there’s no rain, it’s still like 90+ and the other day 100 degrees. It’s probably like 70 degree, but I’m one cold convict. Brrrrr!

I haven’t written anyone in a while and there for haven’t received any mail. But I wanted to finish this letter before I wrote anyone else. You are pen pal #1. :)

Did you watch “Medium”? I could hear you in my mind responding and doing those famous Mama responses, the OOOOs and snorty giggles. :) I miss you.

I need a lot of stamps. I need to send my police report to the A.S.U. people. I wrote them back answering all the questions but I still need to send them the police report. They still haven’t officially taken me on as a client yet, but I am as always hopeful.

I’m waiting for more $ but :) Ha! So, I’ve got me a little something to do during the days and I have to tell you it has been making the time go by a lot faster- yeah!

I love you Mama. I hope all is well w/you. I pray for you. Remember when you change the things you look at, the things you look at change. I love you eternally- life giver. I miss your energy – all of the things you exude make the world a better place to be in.

Tell Mitch and Charlie to be good and I’ll see them in a bit. I love you Mama. May my words hug you for me.

Charlie

9-06-05

2009-05-27T21:12:00.000-07:00

Mama,

Hey there beautiful! I’ve been waiting to get some stamps, but I have gotten all of the letters that you sent. :) I love you Mama and miss you! I feel so happy to get your letters. I love those cards that you sent. Spokane looks beautiful – much prettier than these fences and dirt. :)

I wrote back to those ASU people. I’ve heard nothing yet. I hope I hear something though.

Not too much going on over here as usual. I’m still waiting for my radio. I need to hear something different than BET. All of that rap and R & B sucks. I’m tired of hearing about their nonsense.

I hope your meeting went well. I say prayers for you daily. So somebody is watching over you. :) I have been tired lately; I don’t know why. I want to just sleep all of the time. I wish I felt motivated to do something worth while with all of this idle time I seem to have. I’ve been working out a lot. So, the next time you come and see me I hope you see a difference. :) It is just so hot in here. It was cool for a couple of weeks, but it was just monsoons.

I got your letter yesterday.:) I love your letters! I am amazed at all your hard work. You are always pushing yourself very hard and it is now paying off! One day you can write a very inspirational book encouraging perseverance. I am so very proud of you! I am excited for you. It makes me smile to hear all of your new adventures and goings on. :) I love you.

That article had me amazed! I loved it! I tried to explain it to a couple of people. Yet, I don’t think they got the full effect without the pictures. :) So, I let these guys read it. I’ll talk to them about it tomorrow. I love you!

I am so happy for you! I can’t wait for yourself to be where you’ve always wanted to be for all of these years. You deserve to have the world recognize what an asset you are to the universe. You are on your way. :) I love you and am so very proud of you! I hope I say it enough because you need to hear it. :) We are all very proud of you. I know Jesse is! :) We are who we are because of you. :) I love you!

I have been feeling unmotivated lately. I don’t know why. I want a radio. I think that I s a big part of it. Have you ever been without music for a while and then you hear a good song and get the chills? It happened to me the other day. I was listening to the radio and aerosmith was on and I don’t even them- but I was jamming on it! :)

Last night I took some water and filled them with water. I wrote “Love” on one of them and “Hate” on the other. I tasted it this morning. Just holding the “Love” one felt good. I took the “Hate” one and it just felt bad. I wanted to let it go. I tasted the Love and it tasted good. But I got a little soap in it so I didn’t want to drink too much. I did drink more of the one marked “Hate: I felt angry all day. So, I took a couple gulps of “Love” water and it evened out a bit- weird! :) These are the things I’ve been doing to fill time.:)

Yeah those guys that I let read the article are all tripped out. :) You’ve helped inspire a couple of convicts. :)

I miss you Mama. I hope you are doing okay. I pray for you every night and I want you to be successful, happy and confident. I don’t want you to worry about me-I’ll be alright. Just could use a hug.:) One day, I can go and see you and get a hug and spend time without having to go through any metal detectors.

That girl Jennifer just got approved to visit. It takes awhile to get that way over here. It took three months. She and her sister are going to start visiting, which will be nice. More visits are cool with me. I just don’t know how many will com now that gas is so expensive. It’s like $3.15 a gallon according to Mom and Papa. They’re coming tomorrow to visit. I’m excited to see them. I always get happy when they come. It just might be the last time they come for a while. The darn gas is so expensive.

My cellie is leaving to move in with his cousin. I am ready for him to go. I get tired of people real quick. They have too many mood swings. I’m trying to get his guy, “smiles-a- lot” to move in. He is a nice guy. I wish I could move whenever I want to at least be around positive people. There’s just too much negativity floating around in these walls. Sometimes it gets so overwhelming, it physically makes me sick. I don’t want to be put in that position. It’s just so sad. I feel sorry for those who don’t see that it is not that bad and that it could be worse. I just want to leave and go somewhere to soak in all of the positive in nature. I can’t wait to gather in all of the happiness from the simple rise and fall of the sun and to enjoy birds chirping, wind blowing and clouds moving with grace around in a blue sky.

One day even the most depressed person will realize the endless beauty in life. I just wish more people would open their eyes.

There is so much I am looking forward to, I feel anxious and patient at the same time. Strange, but I know the times will come when a can go where I please and get a hug from my Mama. :) I love you.

I’ve got another year over here before I can go to a lower custody yard. That will be nice. Until then I can look out my little window and see those little white clouds go by and see a blue sky. Sometimes I get a little smile on my face while staring at the sky. I know I can’t possibly be the only one thinking the same thing. The knowledge that all of my loved ones can see the same sky that I see, brings a big smile to my face. One day we can look at the clouds together like a couple of happy kooks! :)

I love you my Mama. I hope you can feel the love I have for you. It’s a combination of your boys affection you sense.

Your loving son,
Charlie

9- 26-05

Mama,
Hey Ms. Mama!
It’s me the orange one. I’m just sitting here- thought I would write you. There is not a whole lot going on over here. I just got a new shirt. I guess that’s cool. It fits and all , so that makes me feel good. It doesn’t take much to make me happy these days! :) I hope all is well with you and Mitch. Not anything negative I hope. I pray you are getting good news from your work endeavors. I want to hear all about ti when it happens.

I saw Mom and Papa last weekend. That always makes me fee great. I love seeing those guys. I guess they are not going to be coming up as much since the gas prices are so high. I’m sure you’re feeling the sting up there too. I see all of this chaos on t.v. I saw the gas in some states is up as $3.80 a gallon! That is madness. I bet one of those hybrids would come in handy. I want a car that runs on hydrogen. Imagine how much you would save on gas. The car would practically pay for itself in like one year. The parts would probable cost an arm and a leg, but…

I saw this thing on P.B.S; it was one of those travel shows. They went to this museum of the complete works of this artist. He was an Italian, named, Dali. The art blew my mind! If you can get hold of a book with his work in it- I would love it! This guy had a book on pencil drawings. It was mostly faces. I liked it cause I have a hard time drawing faces. It was cool to see some done in pencil. The ones with color don’t do it for me. This guy, (the one that drew the pictures), he’s in a mental hospital some where in South America. He draws all of this really cool stuff and then crumples it up and throws it away. The people fish them out and mad a book out of them. The guy doesn’t even remember drawing them. He’s crazy. :)

I ordered a radio along with a new shirt with the $ you sent. But they are switching venders to some other company and they ran out. So I will just wait until they get some more. Besides my cellie has been stingy with his store and I am tired of mooching. I’ll order some food instead of a radio. Next week, I’ll be fat with a new shirt.

I’m so ready to go somewhere where there is less confinement and interaction with other people. I want to walk around and see e stars, watch the sun set and relax with the people I choose to be with. But some day soon it will happen. I’m tired right now. I’ll write more tomorrow. I love you. Good night.

It’s tomorrow now and they just moved me. I’m now over here in house 3. It’s alright- not really a big difference. Got a new cellie; he’s cool. He doesn’t really talk a lot which I don’t mind. He’s going home in November which is coming up here in a bit. So I move around. Those guys were sad that I was leaving. I was talking to them before I left. There’s this thing we do when we leave- we trade our bandannas. I’ve now got a red one instead of a black one. I’ve got it slung over my t.v. I move things around whenever I switch cells. It’s almost like a redecorating period. Not a lot of exciting things happening, but enough to keep me happy.

I love you my Mama. I’m always happy to hear from you. Your letters make me smile. I can’t wait for you to come and see me again. But, I’ll be home anytime you want to come by. :)

I still haven’t heard back form those A.S.U. people. It makes me kind of sad, but I haven’t gotten my hopes up too far so that I won’t be too let down – you know.
I saw the season premiere of our show last night. It was alright I guess.:) It makes me happy though. It’s like there is a whole world out there we can discuss and not too many people know that it is there.

I’m sorry I haven’t been writing more. I haven’t had too many stamps. I forget to order them and just get food. But next time I get some $, I’ll stock up.

Did I tell you I gave up the box? I’m training everyone on how to set up the pipe- a different person every week. I want everyone to experience the feeling it provides. It’s going alright I guess. The head guy got into a fight with his cellie. I guess he was suppose to shank him, but just beat him up. Now he’s on lock down. I’m so used to all of this nonsense and violence. It would be very refreshing to be around some other people – to be a free man around free people. I can’t wait for that day. But until I am where I want to be, I guess I will have to wait. :)

I’ve been on a regular workout schedule for about month now and I can see and feel a difference. By December, I’ll be about where I want to be as long as I continue to step up my routine gradually. By the time, I’m released I should be alright. I do wish I had a weight bench though. But push-ups are okay for now.

I got some hard charcoal from the sweat lodge this weekend. I’ve been trying to work with it. It’s just hard to find inspiration.

Well they shook us down yesterday and they took my headphones. Now, I’m stuck watching subtitles. I tried to get power from the socket and blew out our power. I feel bad. My cellie is all pissed off and it makes me feel worse. This guy gave me a headphone and it needed to be fixed before I could even hear with it. You need fire to hook the wires together – oops! I feel real bad because it is a weekend and there are no maintenance workers here. But tomorrow it should be fixed. I feel bad though. Oh well what’s done is done I guess.

Sorry it has taken me so long to write back to you. I don’t know why but I just haven’t been feeling motivated at all.

Mom and Pap came to see me yesterday. I wanted to leave with them so bad. Mom told me that she had a dream that I came to her door and she was all why are you here> I told her I got an early release. I like hearing about stuff like that. She told me that she had a dream that I came and told her goodbye when I first came to jail.

I damn near slept all day. My cellie is still sleepy. He’s still knocked out. I hope he is not still pissed.

Bubba tried to write me the other day. They wouldn’t let me see it though. Supposedly it had tattoo paraphernalia in it. I’m guessing it is a drawing. I must have gotten the asshole up there. It was nice to know that Bubba wrote though.

Man it is really depressing without power. I still feel bad.

I miss you Mama. Oh I just can’t seem to shake the yawns off. Isn’t that sad? :)

I get to apply for the barber’s job over here on the red side. I need to do something with all of this time. If I get it, I’ll be outside for every rec. and I get to see everyone. That’s my plan at least. I got the okay. So, I’m going to go for it. I hope I get it. I should though. The other night I had a dream I was folding laundry and one of my shirts had “red barber" on it. Wish me luck!

I need to get this out to you. It’s my last stamp until I get a new money order. But it has taken so long, I don’t want to wait any longer.

Sorry I have kept you waiting so long. I love you Mama and you are always in my prayers. One of these days I’ll be able to come and see you or I’ll be able to pick up a phone and call you. But until then, I’ll try and write more enthusiastically.

Your loving son,
Charlie

8/6/05

2009-05-03T13:33:00.001-07:00

Mama,
Hey there good lookin’! It’s Sunday and my foul cellie is leaving tomorrow! F**.* yeah!!
I can’t wait for this thing to go away. Anyone will be better than old pyscho/stinky. I need to write more letters, But I can only write you right now. I need inspiration to write anyone else. When I write to you the letter just writes itself. I borrowed this guy’s radio. So I’m listening to it. I spent the other $ on food that I was saving for a radio and a shirt. They said that they were all out which is B.S. if you ask me. My retarded ass cellie gave his fan away along with his radio despite me asking for it. So I’m just waiting for this waste to go away.

I can’t tell you how disgusted I am on a daily basis by him. Once he leaves I will clean everything in here – twice! He is going home tomorrow and he keeps asking me for food. I want to punch him in the head, but I’m afraid I’ll catch something. :)

Our power went out last week. A storm knocked out 30 power lines and we went without for 2 days. It’s not too nice in 114 degree weather, trapped in a cage with rain man. :) We got through it okay. I’m so anxious for him to leave. I plan on doing a happy dance while I clean whatever filth he leaves behind.

It’s been raining a lot now. Monsoon time- we need it too. On the news the death toll keeps on rising. 30 people died form the heat in the past 10 days. I just fear the power going out while it rains.

I was watching Sylvia Brown on T.V. She had my head spinning discussing the so called mysteries of the world. She said something about aliens that you said years ago. It was about how the aliens put us here and the only reason they come around is to observe us. She said, “Imagine how disappointed they are that we are afraid of them.” When I start to think about it, it opens my possibilities – more food for thought at least. I would like to read her book thought it is called “Secrets and mysteries of the world.” How about that for the next book? :)

I am so happy for you and so proud. I say prayers for you every night. I have faith in all that you do. There are forces at work that want you to succeed. Angels know that positive you will bring with what you create. It’s about time the little one’s had a helping hand.

I do miss you though as always. I see these commercials on T.V. for a one way ticket to Spokane- $89.00. One day , I suppose. Right now I just feel so stifled; I feel like imploding!:)

I need to write So-ooh, Pattie and Mom and Papa.We’re supposed to go out to rec. later on. I will give Mom and Papa a ring then. I’ll write you more later, love you!

Hey Mama. I moved over here to B pod. I’m still in B pod just next door to C pod. I got a new cellie now. He is cool. He’s a young guy, about 18 years old. It’s mad refreshing to be able to talk to someone sane. I forgot how. It feels strange to talk to someone who can comprehend what is being said.

It is hot over here though – temperature wise. I still have my old cellie’s fan , but this guy is coming for it later on. I swear they’re like vultures circling. I can’t wait to leave here and go somewhere where it is not so political. Go somewhere were everybody gets along- none of this thinking where someone with pull. It’s pathetic; Pitiful losers trying to act like they are someone. Some of them I feel sorry for. They’re never going to amount to anything, poor bastards. :)

I talked to dude- CO11; he’s supposed to bring my picture by today. I’m anxious to see them. I’ve been waiting to see since the 4th of July. Maybe there’s no telling really.

I’m tired right nos. I want to sleep, but this guy might come by. I guess we’re not allowed to sleep during the day. It’s just non-sense.

I do miss you though. I want you to be happy. I’m praying for you. I hope everything is going to be a success. You of all people deserve it. I want you to keep me updated on the goings on with all of that. It’s sort of exciting and I can’t wait to get an exuberant letter full of :) and !!!’s

I love you very much, my beautiful Mama. You are intelligent, confident, wise and understanding. Soon the whole world will know it.

I miss you so much. And hope to hear form you again soon. Tell everyone I said, “HI” and give Chopper a hug for me.
Your loving son,
Charlie

[Another letter was in this envelope.]

Mama,
I just got a letter form you. I love hearing about your goings on. I t makes me feel good to imagine it.

I wrote the ASU people twice. They told me it’s up to the students on whether or not they need any further information. I should be hearing back form them on the 18th. But I will write them again on that date. If they could just get me back in court, I would feel better. But time is ticking by mad fast. When I first started out I had 74 months to go. Now it’s 55. Anyways 4yrs. 7mth – it’s easy going now with a decent person I can talk to.

I’m glad you’re feeling better about your thing coming up. I want you to be so confident that you’re down right cocky. I just know that you’re going to blow them away with all of your stuff. I believe in you, along with a number of others. God is on your side. I love you.

I want to see you as a brunette. – a light brown to accent your eyes. Dye your eyebrows also walk in to your meeting with confidence. I feel so bad for you, you poor thing. 95 degrees, be sure to drink lots of water. :)

Yeah, I got your packet. Did I thank you? Thanks! Yeah, I’m okay. I’m just tired of the nonsense. This guy is leaving soon. And this one guy is taking his place is alright. I just wish I could be around positive people, ya’ know? Maybe not- But I appreciate good people a whole lot more now.

Don’t fear for me. I have no fear – at least right now. :) Whatever happens was meant to be- meant to happen, for me to learn. I’ll be alright, I know it. Jesse looks out for me and so does little Cierra. I miss her. I miss them both. Whenever I see a baby, like on a T.V. commercial, it makes me think of holding her. I think of her facial expressions, the way she smelled and the incredible feeling it was to know I helped bring someone so beautiful into the world. One day she’ll come back and I’’ name her Rain Marie Johns. I can’t wait to start a family with someone I love.

Alright enough of that, it’s just that I see myself with a little family so clearly. And it fills me with a sense of completion. I’ll try to be a good of a parent as you have been to me. Don’t scoff. Because like it or not – believe it or don’t – you are! :)

I’m still working out. By the time you come by next, hopefully you’ll see a difference. I fell like a young and my arms aren’t and my chest doesn’t exude that masculine power at least not right now.

There is no doubt that dog will be waiting with Jesse when we cross over. That knowledge comforts me. Just like that cat pearl jam being thrown on me by Jesse. :) Crazy little dude. :)

I love you so much my Mama. You inspire me to accomplish great things in my time here on this plane. One day I will follow in the footsteps that you have made. I love you.
Your loving son,
Charlie

7-20-05

2009-04-26T23:23:00.000-07:00

Mama,

Did I ever tell you how much I love you? :) I swear your postcards and all around mail are a fresh breath of much needed air. I wish I could call you an hear your soothing voice It always calms me and somehow you always know what to say. I guess some people can hear their angles better than others.

I’m still waiting on those pictures. I’m anxious to see them. I’m posted up with the grand ones smiling from ear to ear. I just hope there all cheesy. I’ll give them a ring on Sunday. One day we’ll all live together in a huge house and eat dinner together in a huge house ad eat dinner together, watch T.V. like a big happy family. Wouldn’t that be nice 0 I know we all need our space – so I like that different houses on same land ideas of yours. But they wouldn’t be far away is something happened. Them not having people makes me a little nervous. They only have those fake people around them.

I was at visit with them on the 4th. After wards, this guy I talk to sometimes came up and told me how “cool they look”. He heard us laughing and joking around. It made me feel really proud. I love the crap out of them. One day I’ll pay them back for all they have done.

Oh mama, thanks for being there for me. I love our correspondence. It’s full of meaning. I’m glad to have someone to share with and to have a reply I value. I miss you. I can’t wait to come and visit you fro once.

I want us to do something when I get out. I want to reclaim Christmas. I want to make it a happy holiday once again. Wouldn’t that be nice? Well all be together in a cabin surrounded by fresh snow sipping hot cider and catching up on each others goings on. Yep. There’s this show called “Battlestar Gallactica” on Sci Fi. I saw the first three show and the last three on NBC and I am hooked. I love that show thought it was going to be on all of the time, but it was just a teaser. They keep showing promo’s for it, NBC must be a parent company of Sci fi. I recommend this show. I usually don’t get into those kinda’ things, you know nerdy kinds. Anyways, if they ever sell the whole season please buy it for me and watch it. :) There’s this sad movie on T.V. right now. Its got me all teary eyed. :)

We’ll probably sweat tomorrow. It’s going to hot. It’s like 118 degrees by 9 am out here so in the lodge. It will be mad hot. I’m really looking forward to it. We haven’t sweated in like two months and it’s all thanks to you. :) I’ll make them all thank you in prayers! I’m going to get cooked but I like the heat.

Hey there Mama! It’s Monday. We sweated on Saturday. Boy was it hot! We didn’t go one round without someone asking to get out. :) I must have lost 5 lbs. I had one monster headache.

I had another dream last night about playing a guitar. It felt right so right. I can’t wait to get my hands on a real one while I’m awake. :) I fell like I’m exploding with creativity trying to bottle it up. One day, I’ll have a good release for all I’ve been saving up. I wish that day was a little bit sooner. :)

I got my slip for property back. I guess there all out of radios and shirts. I was waiting for about 4 weeks but at least. I still had $ on my books. So, I got some food instead I really wanted a new radio. But when my cellie leaves in about 2 weeks, he is going to leave me his.

This guy I always talk to gave me some cologne today. He’s going home in a week. He works in the chow hall and one of the workers (non-inmates) brought him some. He put it in a lotion bottle and gave it to me. It smells so good! I’m saving it for visits or if I see a good looking CO :).

I got my hands on some colored pencils too. The guy wants like $5 in the store, but I think it is worth it. The color is unreal. I am so not used to having colors at my finger tips. I was tripping for a minute. How lame is that? :)

We’re supposed to be getting our pictures today, but if they give them to me or not is the question. I’m yawning hard core right now, I drank some coffee, but I need to lift for a while to get the blood flowing. That joke you sent me is a riot. (the muslin blow up doll) some people don’t get it, but a lot of them have an I.Q. of 40. :) So, I’ve been very choosy. :)
I need to write Mom and Papa and So-oh. I should write Justin too. I’ve been debating on writing my Dad or not. I’ll probably do it. He never writes back though. That defeats the whole purpose- ya’ know. I wish Christifer would write, but…

Thanks for being there for me Mam. I really enjoy our talks. :) One day we’ll be face to face talking on our way on out way to some wholesome activity.

I love you Mama. I miss you too. Tell Mitch I said, “Hey”. Give Chopper the love he deserves and tell yourself what you see around you and what you will it to be.

Your son in orange,
Charlie
I Love you!

7-6-09

2009-04-19T21:56:00.000-07:00

This was inside of a beautiful card that he made for me.

Hey Lady!
I put this in a different envelope because I didn’t know how heavy it is. I just want you to know how I miss you and I think of you often and say prayers for you everyday. I hope you are happy and healthy. Just remember how proud you make me. Continue to be yourself and the universe will watch out for you. One day you’ll be able to to look back at all of the troubles that came your way and just laugh. :)Well laugh together over a hearty meal in good company – I love you!

This card the Tewa drummer and a long haired katchina- we’re all singing songs for you! :) I love you miss mama. I am proud of you. You are the one who has made me who I am. All of the good inside of me came from you.
Thanks
I love you!
Charlie

7-15-09
Mama,
What’s this about Baltimore. Its been awhile since I’ve heard from you so I feel like I’ve missed something. Sylvan? Meeting? I’m at a loss. Let me know what’s up. Thanks for that picture of Christifer. He looks healthy I was going through the pictures I have of him from like two years ago and he looks like a whole new person! He has weight and color and hair! He looks well. I am proud of him. He looks classy and clean. I just wish he would write.

I read that letter from Martin. He’s such an exaggerator. All he had to say was I had a job but it was taken from me. :) I am going to be trying to move. I can’t stand this disgusting bum anymore. He’s going home on the 31st. But can’t wait ‘til then. He’s becoming more and more psychotic. And increasingly annoying. I can’t take it anymore. He stinks P.U.!

I do miss you though. I wish we could talk more. You voice calms me and your words put everything into perspective. I need that right now.

So what’s up with Baltimore. What’s been going on out there? I’ve missed something I know it :)

Martin wrote me and so did his baby’s mama. He’s so weird. :) He makes me feel not so alone. I wish I could have face to face conversation with him. I’m starving for someone I can kick back with and have decent talks with. Jenni writes me too. She’s got on my visitation list along with her sister. I can’t wait to get more visits. I miss seeing pretty faces so it will be a nice change. Not that mom and papa aren’t - but you know what I mean. :) I took some pictures with them on the 4th of July weekend. I’m still waiting for them. I hope they don’t look back. It would be a shame if they were.

I love you Mama. I miss you a lot. I’ve been home sick lately. I miss all of the comforts of home. I just want to leave. Sometimes it gets so frustrating. I just want to scream! But anger turns to depression to easily. I don’t enjoy either of those emotions. I think it is so intense because crazy is going home. He’ll be gone on the first. I am getting used to turning people out. I hope it doesn’t ruin me for my next cellie :)What have you been up to? I’m curious to know what’s been happening in your life. Is Mitch doing alright> Tell him I said, “What’s up!” I hope you are both doing well and are happy. Give Chopper a hug for me too.

I’m still waiting around for my property I order awhile ago. I don’t feel as complete without time. I’m stuck watching B.E.T. an I’m not really into rap All that play/bling-bling shit drives me crazy. But I need some music so just watch it and deal.
Today is one of those days that I don’t feel like doing anything but laying on my bunk and staring at the tube. I’ve been feeling too lazy. I won’t to do something. I keep asking for a job but there’s non available I’m going to ask my head if he can hook me up with one. I think he has some pull but I don’t know for sure.
I’ve been working out lately. I’m tired of looking so damn skinny. I got a bag tied up containing H20 so it’s heavy then wrapped up in a shirt, so I can lift it. I’ve only been doing it for about two weeks and I can already see a difference. I will bigger in about 6 months. I’m going to continue to do it twice a day. Gradually I will add more and more weight. I should do sit ups. I might start up a regimen today. It will at least give me something to do. I need to feel more productive. At the end of the day (well most days) I got nothing done. So at least with this work out thing, I’ve accomplished something.

I did this card earlier today. I thought I would send it out to you. I also did this humming bird Katchina. I thought you might like it. Someday I would like to sculpt something. I would want to do some granite or marble, I think it would be fun. Once I get down to a three yard (medium). I’ll be eligible for arts and crafts. I would just about about kill for some colors right about now. Grey and black I only have. Those colors aren’t to joyful- but I deal.

Well mama I can’t wait until your next volume of “Vern’s life” the saga continues. I’m anxious to hear of your adventures. I’m so very proud to hear of your adventures. I am so very proud to have you in my life. One day your name will be around the world famous and people will introduce me as LaVerne McGrath’s son. People will go, OOOOH!”

I love you my Mama. I hope my letter brings you as much joy as yours brings me. I truly appreciate all you do for me. Thanks for being in my life and thanks for being you!

Your loving son,
Charlie

6-25-05

2009-04-12T18:07:00.000-07:00

Mama,

"As I dream dreams I’ve never seen, help me remember them in the morning." This is what I asked for before I went to sleep last night, before I prayed for all of you out there. That little saying made me get up and write it down. I thought I would share it with you.

I’m watching the thing on TNT called “into the west” its about Indians and settlers. The one white guy is married to this Indian girl. His name is Jacob. I like to hear my name being said by a beautiful woman. :) Now the white guy, Jacob his cousin is married to an Indian guy. It’s all leading up to the inevitable end which takes away the suspense. :)

I will say extra prayers that concentrate soon you. I am so very confident in your path. Right now believe me, it is your way. Destiny will happen , fate will take place you will be where you want to be.

I don’t know how many times you have questioned things. But doubt is not part of your personality. Recognize foreign thoughts. You have the power to separate the negative and distinguish them from your own. Faith is all I have to offer, faith keeps me going. I get my faith from you. It is time I send it back to you. I will take your hope and return faith. Don’t you see, you are where you need to be. Don’t be disappointed by not getting too many sign ups. You have always gotten clients by word of mouth. Your program will sell its self but in time, it’s own time, the right time. It will happen – Jesse will see it so. I want you to tell the universe all that you envision. Say it loud – repeat it five times – do it daily – it will happen. Already imagine yourself in the position you want to see yourself in. The position you want to be in. Act the way you would act if you were where you wanted to be. Would you act any different? If you ask me the only difference I would see in you would be more confidences. The kicker is that is already there. Because eventually you will be that person - the wonderful, intelligent, insightful, beautiful, loving and confident you. Complete and whole, helping mankind fulfill a purpose no one else could do. I believe in you and so does the universe.

I’m sorry about my last letter; it wasn’t my best moment. I’m just so fed up with labels and prejudice. I am surrounded by negative on a daily basis. It gets to me sometimes. It is hard to smile and converse with these people in orange sometimes. Acceptance comes in strange forms, behind these walls. I never fit a certain category before, so common ground is almost unheard of, yet it comes. I remain who I am. No more wondering who I am. What I am about I know is what makes me stronger.

I am ready for anything now. I am prepared to handle obstacles in an appropriate manner. This confidence was instilled in me by you. I can’t wait for freedom- yet accept my situation with understanding.

I still miss you though. :) Patience for my family, patience for the world. I’m waiting for my inevitable success to make those who come before me proud.

I entered into this poetry contest. I just sent it out. We’ll see what happens. I’m getting sleepy though. I’ll write some more tomorrow. I love you.

They told me that they already got the money for the wood. – Thanks. This means there will be wood this weekend. I’m debating on a fast. I want to do it to help me. It messes me up though. I’ll probably start this weekend and do four days to regenerate my positivism. I feel drained.

I’m still waiting on my radio headphones and a shirt. It’s taking forever though. I need some music to take me away. :) I’ll just close my eyes and be content. I’m sending another order form for music. Can you ask Mitch to hook me up?

How is everything going with him? Is he liking his job? I am glad you have someone up here with you besides Chopper. :) It’s nice to know that you are not alone. He must be loving the weather up there. Last night at 10:00 pm, it was still 101degrees. Outside it got up to around 118 degrees around noon; it is hot! They still have the swamp cooler on non-stop. You remember how it was at the old house when it got that hot? Sticky, muggy and nasty! I would love some A.C. right now. :)When you go to chow hall, it hits you like cold water –AHHH nice!

I’ve been saying my prayers for you. I am asking for some students for you to teach. I hope it works. I hate hearing about bad news. Oh okay, I got your pictures! :) Yeah! How beautiful it was! All of those pictures made me feel cooler – almost chilly. When ever I get hot, I just look at them and relax. Those trees are huge! I like the one with you inside the tree trunk.:) I also like the one with Mitch and the cat. That coast line was pretty with the black sand. I like them. Thank you. I can’t wait to go places. I hope you had fun before your return to reality. I’m sure you did. I love you.

So I have all of these half written letters that I need to finish. I’m trying to get them done, but I keep getting side-tracked. So, I’ve forgotten about T.V. and I am getting them done. I’ve been complaining about mail and lack of it. Yet, a letter doesn’t get a response until it is written. So, off my bunk I am.

I miss you Mama and hope that you are smiling right now. I did a couple of drawings and am quite proud of them. I’m going to bring them out to the lodge this weekend. But after that I will send them to you and get your professional opinion. :)

Not a whole lot has been happening with me, so forgive my babble. Nothing besides the prison B.S.

I was tripping out when I read about the ring of Jesse’s. I made me smile at least someone is with Christifer. I miss that dude. I wish I could hang out with him and converse. I heard that Mickey’s son was done with Mickey at Mom and Papas. And that he was going tubing with Christifer and ended up meeting him there. How funny two relatives that have never met, getting together to do something. I guess Christifer told Mickey, “ I’ll be the guy with the yellow shirt on”. Mickey called Mom and Papa and told them that there were lots of guys with yellow shirts on. Mom and Papa said, “He would be the long haired Indian” :) I guess they were standing right by each other too. That makes me think that he has no one to hang out with though- which saddens me. Not only is he my brother, he is my best friend and I don’t think he knows that. Oh well, I guess I will see him again one of these days.

Well, I miss you Mama and I wish we could talk for a couple of hours. I’m really missing decent conversation. I’ll be sending out another letter this weekend. So you have more coming.

Don’t ever forget how much you mean to this forgotten soul. :) I love you and miss you. I’ll keep the prayers coming you way. I hope they do some good. I love you Mama.

Your loving son,
Charlie

6-15-05

2009-04-05T15:11:00.000-07:00

Mama,

Hey there beautiful! It’s June 1st and I’m just sitting here so I thought I would write you. I got your letter. I was getting worried :). I’m glad to hear you had a good trip though. All of those places sound so pretty. The way you paint the pictures enables me to to visualize all of those places. I can almost smell fresh and damp greenery. I’m glad you had fun.

That place, AZ legal clinic wrote back and sent me a form to fill out. They’re in the summer period now. But in August they are going to let me know what is up. It sounds cool. I wouldn’t mind getting a couple of visits from some co-eds :) .

That girl, jenny keeps writing. She’s getting on my visit list and so is her sister. –Weird! It’s cool though; I don’t mind. She is not my first choice, but she will do.

I am 22 so I’m trying to grow out a little goatee. I don’t know how long I can get away with it, but I will see.

Mom and Papa sent me a picture of Justin and one of Alex at his wedding. Poor guy’s balding. He looks so old! I feel bad for him. Matt’s not even near as bad. I should donate some of my hair to him and make him a wig.

I cut off two inches of my hair to even it out and get rid of split ends. I feel brand new, like a dog after a bath. :)
I told this guy I talk to a lot that it was my birthday yesterday. It spread like wild fire. It was nice. People were almost mad that I didn’t tell them. :)
I wish I could go out and eat :). Mom and Papa are going to come down this weekend. So I’ll grab some grub on Sunday. I always look forward to seeing them. What grand people.

I just got da ja vu writing this. I’ve been having them a lot lately. I guess I’m on the right track. Usually something bad happens, but nothing so far. Plus I have been keep my nose clean, So I don’t want to sweat it.

I miss you Mama! :) I was watching the world news tonight. I saw this eight year old prodigy who did these amazing paintings. They were beautiful. I was shocked; she was so little. At the end of the show I found out she was from Spokane. I got chills :).

All right Mam, I need you to do me a favor. The big dude on the other side is all mad at me for not getting any wood. So, I need you to send $50 to this lady [He gave me a name and address]. I made the mistake of thinking he was joking and now he is pissed. I’m sort of nervous about it. They don’t like me on that side because I am half white. I have this sick feeling in my stomach. I wish I could talk to you and get a hug. Can you write a note letting her know it is form me and the money order is for the wood? I need this to be done. I am counting on you.

I feel like I should give up the box and not worry about petty little things. I really just want to go home. This dude is over here telling me that I am in bad standing with the brotherhood. But I don’t know why.

I got these letters from Martin the other day. That guy is a real friend- he writes. When I get in a situation I don’t know how to handle, I ask myself, “What would Charlie do?” I miss people I enjoy being around. I miss laughing about life and not suppressing my intelligence in order to fit in. Oh Mama how I miss the world. I hope to hear form you soon. I’m sure you’re thinking the same thing.

I’m sorry I’m not in a better mood. That guy telling me all of that, made me a little sad. Plus there’s this dude, Bear, who is looked down over here. He is on his way to S.M.U. I’ve been giving him a little food and whatever he needs. He is half white and half Hopi. The head dude was all “YOU WOULD help him out.” Yesterday in the circle, the guy running things on this side told me to help him out. And then today the dude on the other side told me to shine him off because he owes $15.But he beat a guy up because the dude told him too! I’m so tired of these petty dramas that get all out of proportion and end up turning violent.

Oh what I would give to be around good hearted people (and a sane cellie).

I hope to hear form you soon. I need an intelligent conversation- even if I just read it. I know this isn’t the end, it’s just the eternal present. I can’t wait for someone new to look art my case. I need to get out of here and try and set an example for those younger and older than me. I want to give some support for Christifer.

I want to get out and see chopper. I miss that dog! One day soon I’ll be out to do as I please. What a wonderful incentive to behave.

I’ll write again soon when I’m not in such an awful mood. I’ll try and be more positive in my next edition. But until that time, just know how positive you are for the world and what a wonderful influence you are on me. I’m very proud of you. Stay on the right path. You’re on the right path for success. I love you my mama.

Your loving son, Charlie

6-1-05

2009-03-28T12:38:00.000-07:00

Mama,
Hey moms! I filled out the special visit forms. I got another one today so I will send it out to you tomorrow. I just want to make sure you get to come twice. I am so excited! I can’t wait. I am feeling anxious.

I haven’t heard form you in a while. I hope everything is okay out there. I’ve been feeling sort of depressed. I’m tired all of the time. I’m usually watching “Medium: but they have this stupid “Miss America” on. So, I thought I would write you. I got some new stamps from this dude. I ran out of $ as usual but I needed to write you.

I miss you Mama. I wish I could talk to you. I feel blocked lately. – out of the flow. I drank some coffee but it just made me yawn. Sleep sounds good. I want to sleep for a couple of years. My cellie is moving that might help. :)

Its been a while since I’ve had good company. Oh, which reminds me, I found Buck’s friends address so I can write him again. I miss that guy. I hope he is doing okay. I think you would like him. He has a very good aura. I’m gonna write him when I get some $.

I need a new radio and head phones. So, if you can send me some money I could use it. I wrote my pops – but he’s Frank- old unreliable dad.

We have rec. tomorrow. I can’t wait to get away form this cell. I have fun plying dominoes or spades and joking and laughing with people I want to hang out with.
I’m feeling out of it, kind of sleepy. I’ll finish writing tomorrow. I love you

Hello pretty lady. It’s tomorrow night, I’m just thinking about you. I miss you. :) I can’t wait to see you! I wish I could give you a hug right now. I miss my Mama :) I’m feeling better today, still no mail but I’m more content.

I can’t wait to go home. I figured I have4 more years and 10 months left which makes me happy. 2 years in the hole already and some more to go. I just can’t get over how incredible it will be. People all around me are going home. I’ve already got an old number- Crazy. I really would like to leave, but I deal.

I’m watching this show, “Scrubs”. It cracks me up. It puts me in a good mood.
I heard that Christifer has his own place now. That’s cool. I wish he would write with his new address. I miss that dude.

Did you know that bright orange subconsciously provokes hostility. I don’t know if it’s true, but I mean, come on. Dude in the other pod got shanked up the other day. He took seven hot ones to the body. They had to airvac him out. I hate having nothing but negative to write about, not too uplifting, huh?

Tomorrow they are having that show, “Revelations: come on. It looks cool. Before that they’re having some things on the Davince Code. I’ll end up watching both. That is my plan for tomorrow, sound exciting? :) I called Mom and Papa today. They’re going to come down on Saturday and visit. I got my leg finished and didn’t want to get in trouble ( yes more tattoos) But it just finished it up – no more I promise. I think they were sad. I miss those old guys. Papa said that if they’re offered 20,000 an acre, he’s selling. I hope they get to do things without the worry of money. You know do everything thing that they have dreamed of. I miss them. I miss you.

I am still tired. I just want to sleep. The dreams take away the sadness – escape form my cell without the repercussions. :) Oh mama, I’ll write you more in the morning. Hopefully, I will feel like I have something to write about. I love you.

These are parts of letters I wrote a wile ago – what a beautiful visit! You made the world better! Sorry I haven’t been writing. I didn’t have any stamps for the longest time. So. I got stocked up. I’ll be writing you more.

How was your trip? I hope you had fun and enjoyed yourself. Tell me how things went. I’m anxious to know. I saw this thing on Napa Valley wineries. It made me think of you. I already miss you. I wish I could have left with you. That would have been great but soon enough…

When you came down it made me so happy! It was over so quickly. I had to savor the moments. :)I’m going to hurry up and finish this so I can get it in the mail and off to you. I want out conversations to continue you on so I want to restart the flow. Sorry this is in patches but I’ll start a brand new and updated letter tomorrow. I love you.

I can’t explain how much your coming down meant to me. You really did make my heart happy. I love seeing you and talking to you face to face. I am one lucky guy to have you to talk to. You are more than a Mom; you are a friend as well. And for all that you are I ma thankful.

I love you and am so very proud of all that is you.
Love, Charlie

Along in this envelope was a piece of another letter. It is funny that at the present time as I am transcribing this onto this blog – almost 4 years have passed. There are 3 months of letters that I do not have. I can not recall what caused this large gap. Did I loose letters? Did he stop writing for a bit? I wish I could remember, but can’t.

Yep it’s the 27th of April. I’ve been drawing all night. This dude down stairs wanted me to draw him something on a sheet. I first drew it on paper and then put it on a sheet. It looked better on paper. The pen and cotton didn’t go well together. It is too hard t shade and I think I over compensated with it. When I finally got done, it was sort of disappointing. It was alright, but it looked a lot better on paper; the detail was a lot better. You could see it more clearly. Oh well. I still have the sheet. It’s brand new so there is no body soil on it. It’s bright and clean. I just cut out a piece the size of a handkerchief and then just drew on it. I do have to say for my first time, it was decent. I’ll do another one tonight. It should be easier to use now that I have the hang of it. When I get some more stamps I’ll send you one – a good one!:)

I hope you are doing okay. I haven’t heard from you in a while. So I hope everything is alright. I’ve been thinking about the old days a lot lately. Things I used to do back when I was free. I miss going to feed the ducks, batting cages, movies and dinner! Oh well, eventually I will be able to do what I want, when I want and not wear orange! :) But I miss the company of good people. I miss the freedom to be around people I choose to be around. Decent conversation, good times, jokes and laughs….eventually…

So what’s up with everything out there? Anything exciting happening? Anything out of the ordinary is exciting to me. :) Let me know how you are doing. I keep you in my prayers. So, I hope that’s enough. I’ll continue to send you good thoughts. I hope you are taking care of yourself! You know I worry about you. I hope you are safe and healthy and happy. I only wish good things for you. I hope you are content with life and you are being treated well by the universe.

4-7-05

2009-03-22T12:17:00.000-07:00

Mama,
I got your letter last night :). I always love getting mail from you. They always make me feel loved. :) I am missing you a lot lately. I just miss my family. I am really looking forward to your visit. I asked Martin to get on the visiting list –same for Bubba. I don’t know if they will follow through.

I need to move I can’t stand my cellie. I’ll ask this weekend if anyone wants to trade. I doubt it though. I wrote the federal clerk of the courts for the packet I need. I’ll be filling it out soon as I get it. Hopefully I will see some action over there. The thing about rule 32 is they can give me more time if they think I deserve it and I don’t want to chance it. I just want to leave. But a move will do. I miss freedom. :)

I’m sorry you’re stressing. You work so much. I wish I could take some of the stress away or at least give you some hugs. But for now, just know that I am proud of you. I am. I love your very much and am so grateful to have you in my life. I miss you Mama. But I know you are on the right path where you are. Continue being yourself and you will achieve success.

I don’t know if you are getting my mail or not. I know your house is being repaired and you are staying with Berry. But know that I am thinking of you and I pray for your daily. Stay positive Ms. Mama.

I got a postcard from Christifer! I couldn’t believe it. It made me so happy. He sent it from Amsterdam. When I read it, I had a little taste of de ja vu. He said that he is getting his own place soon. He wants me to call him. He apologized for not writing sooner and didn’t want me to take it the wrong way. It made me so happy! I miss him a lot. He had such an impact on my life and without talking with him, I just felt empty. I probably won’t hear from him for another two years, but I am happy now.

Then I get a letter from Jenny. It was very bizarre. I went through so much shit with her and she sums it all up with, “I know things haven’t always been smooth between us.” I mean, alright?! Anyways, she was at the coffee plantation and Martin I guess saw her. They started switching off between paragraphs writing me a letter. Very strange. She sent me a picture thought. That was nice.

I hate the way people like to reminisce over old shit that I did a long time age. It makes me feel as though I ‘m reading my eulogy. :)

I need to know when you’re coming down so I can request a special visit. The counselor comes around so maybe you could call? I don’t know. I am very excited though. I can not wait! I can’t wait to see me Mama! :) A whole weekend- Wow. I can’t wait. I miss you so very much. It is going to be the best weekend ever.

I need to write more letters, but I usually wait ‘til I get a hint of inspiration. Maybe I am just lazy :). My stupid radio broke yesterday. The little piece that you hook the head phones into broke off. I’m mad ‘cause I just stocked up on batteries. And I just got a tape from across the ways. BOO!

This weekend, I took the water that we usually drink after we smoke the pipe and I boiled cedar and sage in it. After I blessed it, I passed it around. It tasted so good. All of the bros drank it up.

I am watching “Ambush Makeover”. I like this show. I critique all of the things that they do. I like to see drastic changes for the better. It makes me smile. I can’t wait to get out and do it myself :).

I am watching jeopardy. I’ve been:).

Did I tell you I got the packet form the Federal court on habeas corpus? Its for filing an appeal through the federal court. I haven’t filled it out yet. This guy, Norris, is going to help me fill it out correctly. I need $25 to file it. I’m debating on filing a civil suit with the state. I don’t know though. I’ve heard through the rule 32, they can give you more time if they think you deserve it. I want to go home now. :( I’m prepared to do the time but I just don’t want to. It would be an act of God to get me out of my predicament now. That sux.

The pope…he was a good pope. It seems like he is showing up everywhere. The people are swarming the Vatican. I got the chills when there were Jews, protestant, and sheik in the funeral procession line.

Well mama, I’d better finish this off. They just called for chow and I want to get this in the mail. I love you.

I want to hear from you soon, so write me, okay? I miss you very much mama. I wish I could see you. I’m waiting for our visit. I’ll keep you in my prayers as always. Give Chopper a hug for me and take care of yourself. Try not to push so hard to where you are teetering on the edge. I love you and I miss you.

Your loving son,
Charlie

3/3/05

2009-03-15T21:03:00.000-07:00

Mama,
Hey lady! I just got your letter today:). I haven’t gotten any mail in like two weeks. So I was very happy to get some. Has my mail been opened when you receive it? I sent those to letters like a week apart. I also watched ”Captain Ron” :) Twice. It made me reminisce. I could almost hear your laughter. It made the movie much better. I’m glad we are watching the same thing how weird.

I’m all over with the fast. :) Yeah! I performed the ceremonies last weekend. I’ll keep it up until I go back to court which I hope is soon. Something is telling me October. As soon as I hear anything , you will be the first to know. I love you .

I miss Chopper. I wish I could see his face. He’s my black, four legged brother.

Oh did I tell you that that place, “Edgar Cayce Foundation: sent me two books, his biography and a documented book where he quoted from the bible. The “bible companion is the name. At least, I think they sent it. All I got were the books. There was no paperwork saying where they came from. It was cool though. The “Bible Companion” has some interesting ideas on reincarnation. Here he is using Buddhist idealogies in a Christian format. He quoted in the book- someone asked who was the true prophet of God- Mohammad, Jesus or Buddha? He responded by say,” A prophet is a prophet”. Very cool.

I still haven’t read the other one it is called “Life is a river.” I tried reading it when I got it. But it was my first day of fasting and I was having a hard time. I ran out of paper. I don’t know how many I can put in one envelope.

I’ve noticed new lines appearing in my palms. The old one is fading- crazy. I was upset the other day- just frustrated. I asked why I prayed to my angels, “Why can’t I go home?” I immediately heard that it’s not time yet. I got a picture of you working and then preparing a home. :) It made me feel relieved. Amazing how quick I had a response. As Edgar says, “Why worry when you can pray?”

We’ve been in lock down all day again. Yesterday, we at least went to dinner. I don’t mind it because I ma really starting to hate my cellie. He is so pretentious and ignorant! I am moving out this weekend to house 3B6. My new cellie is a very good person who is also using his brain. So that will be very good.

The other day rained for like three days. When we went out to rec. the skies parted. All around us was rain. It was hot out. The rain left a huge puddle of fresh rain water. And it was so hot out that I took off my shirt and rolled up my pant legs and went walking around in it. It reminded me of the river. Everyone was looking at me like I was crazy. But that is not such a bad thing in a place like this. :) It was so refreshing. Honestly, the best day ever in prison.

I’ve been having a hard time with my hair. Braiding it is just so feminine. I thought of a masculine type hair tie using elastic and Velcro. It will be very manly.

I also thought of a simple shirt I want to make.I want to make like a regular white tee shirt with a yellow stripe down the left side and then opposite on the back. Man I would like a sewing machine right about now. I can see it so clearly. I have been getting the urge to create stuff lately. I made this medicine bag out of string and a hair tie. What a pain to weave only with a bent staple. I took the string and wrapped it an then wove it on one side. It is black and white. It has a design and a little flap with a tie to secure the inside. Any way I’m going to give it to this guy, Tony. He’s a very good soul. He’s leaving next week. I also drew him up a tattoo. I can’t wait to see it. I gave it to him last weekend. It’s like a band for his arm- very cool looking. He should have it on by Saturday. I can’t wait to see it. I’m also going to give the medicine bag to him. I just felt the urge to give it to him. I’m very happy for him. He has a very large family – 11 kids! I wrote down a couple songs for him to sin in freedom.

I miss yo Mama. I miss Christifer too. I wish things were different.

Oh well, there’s purpose here. Underneath the filth there is sunshine.

This Navajo guy who works in the store came up to me and offered me a job in the store. I was all excited for a couple of days. But the head is leaving in like a week, so the big dude from the other side of the yard sent someone to take his place. And I guess he wants the job. :) Maybe I’ll still get it, but I doubt it. The Navajo guy has a really good aura. But this new guy definitely does not! I just senses the ick very strong.

My medicine has to be very strong now. I’m trying to bring a lighthearted unity to the circle. But the majority is not positive.

You know this past weekend I did the ceremonies and my body started to shake very bad. First I pass the shell for everyone in the circle to bless them selves. After that I speak rather well. It is like the evil leaves the mind of the damaged ones and I have complete control over their energies. So then I ask for any special prayers to be heard. It’s like a chance for all us to concentrate on the request – which works- the power of prayer.[Even the Edgar Cayce group that under his guidance or insight must know about the power of prayer.] Anyway, then I smoke the pipe and bless it in the six cardinal directions and we smoke concentrating on the special requests and our own prayers. The pipe is passed clock wise once. It helps because after wards everyone is happy and peaceful. We just talk openly about anything that is on own minds. Some times I bless some water with sage and we drink from the same cup :)Sound familiar? :)

I’m going to start to write a sermon to help me address the circle in the opening prayer and the closing prayer- But mostly the opening ones. I want to encourage prayer in them- especially the damaged ones! I want to do it in a way that inspires them to believe in it. This would help them to help themselves. It will come to me. I know it will.

I miss you. Soon- hopefully, I will get some redemption- just a little reduction in sentence time would suffice :). I love you. Do you know who sounds like Mitch? Jesse James, I swear if I close my eyes I can’t tell the difference.

I love hearing from you! But I know you know this already. You are my hope for the world and I miss you.

I’ve been with Jesse, Chris and you in my dreams. The pas couple of nights Jesse was in a tux and I had nothing to wear. Another dream I had a condo and was trying to find clothes to wash but there were no dirty clothes. I went into Jesse’s room and asked him if he had any more dirty clothes. He told me I was on my own. It has to do with my neurotic phobias of success. Jesse telling me that I was on my own leads me to believe I’m ready to hand my life now, on my own. God I hope I am on the right track. I want to accomplish so much. If I don’t… failure is not an option. I feel like I have so many things that I am capable of. I just think of what a waste it would be to not complete my destiny. "Now that is pathetic! What a thing to be afraid of. I just don’t want to be a success and f*** it off! What a nut:).
I love you. I miss talking to you. You are a good listener.:)

The bros are starting to sound alright over here now. Give it a couple more months and we’ll be all right.

I’m going to compose a couple songs for us to sing. We were all talking about it. A simple Pow-wow song that jams with a fast beat. I’m going to write one. It’s pretty simple just the end chorus with, “Hey ya, Hey yo! I’ll write one in English and get a translation or something. I’ll let you know how it goes. I’m slowly going home.
Eternal love,

Your son,
Charlie

2-15-05

2009-03-08T16:03:00.000-07:00

Mama,
I hear all of these good things coming from you. It makes me so happy. I have so many wonderful letters filled with happiness all coming from you. I am so very proud to be your son!

I’m glad you are not going to Texas. I couldn’t imagine you over there. I don’t think you would like it much. I know I wouldn’t :).

Good news- I now have contact visits! Last weekend Mom and Papa said they were going to come and see me on Friday. But Friday came and they were no shows. I was all sad. And then Saturday came they called me for a visit. I was standing in the room waiting to go to the non-contact and dude said I was going out to all the people. I was all happy! I sat down and gave hugs and kisses. I was great. They brought $40 for the vending machines and a pack of reds! I can not wait for you to come. I’ll get a special visit so you can spend all day with you!

Your description of Seattle makes me want to go there with you :). You’re so vivid in your narration of the places you visit. It paints a picture in mind. There was some lady on “Trading Spouses” last night from Yakima Valley, WA talking about Seattle. It made me laugh. It seems whenever you write me about a place, it will be shown on the T.V. I watched the “Medium” show last night. I watched it with you I hope -Just creepy stuff :).

Those mattresses (Memory Foam) seem wonderful. I see the commercials for it and a wonderful feeling it must be. I do suggest you invest in one. I know you have trouble with the sleep. I would kill for one in here. I’m so tired of this mat I sleep on. I could go for some of that memory foam right now! :)

You know I was dreading Jesse's Birthday. But the day somehow passed by without notice. I thought the day was the day and it passed me by. Strange- I try not to focus on it. I do miss him a lot , but he knows it.:)

I wish Christifer would make me some pictures. I haven’t seen him in so long. It’s hard to feel sorry for him when he doesn’t listen or write for that matter. I do want him to be happy though. He deserves someone who appreciates him. Someone he can love equally. I wish I could snap him out of his rut. I mean he is only 23 and he wants the responsibility for a family? How should have his own. At least then he could be able to see his kids despite the mom. She’s a stupid flake any how and a slut. I hear he is going to Amsterdam with Ivy and Kenny. Mom and Papa told me. I hope he follows through with school. I can see him doing great things, which is cool.

I’ll be fasting for four days. Then I can take it over (pipe-holder). I’ll be learning for a month. I’ll let you know how it goes. One good thing about this is that they won’t ask me to do anything violent to anyone. I won’t be able to cuss, look at porn or be negative at all. It will be good for me.

I just got a letter from Bubba tonight. It was good to hear from him. I wrote him back but I don’t want to send it out until I write Patty and So-oh. I think it would be kinda’ rude for him to get a letter at their address, you know? :) It was nice to hear from him though. I miss his Jerry Springer ass! I guess he got his G.E.D. finally. I told him to look into schooling and get a good job. I hope he becomes something good. He has potential. I love him like a brother.

He had some good words- made me smile. :) I guess that girl Breanna, the one that he had a daughter with baby girl with two thumbs on one hand! Gene pool? Incest Pool?

Right now I am trying to drown out my cellie’s egocentric banter. He is so full of himself. Can we say overcompensating? :) They have us on lock down again and they’re searching the whole yard – again! They just searched last week. Anyways, I have to stay in here with him for 5 days with no food and no sanity! :)

I miss you my Mama. I want to give you a long hug. I miss those. If you found a way to package them, you could forget the whole teaching thing. Just put your hugs in a package! I miss you.

I’ll be coming home soon enough, but in the meantime, just remember how much you mean to me and how much you mean to the world. :)

I wish I had more stuff to write about- something interesting, but alas, nada. :(
Let me know how things are going for you. Keep me informed. Your letters help keep me sane. I love your inputs and thoughts; it just adds so much to my world.

I’m watching old “X-Files” reruns on TNT. I remember I used to get freaked out when I saw at the beginning the alien face. :) And you would make that noise in my ear OOOOHEEEEOOOOO and I would bury my face in your stomach. HA! Memories, so many good ones, I can’t wait to make more.

I’ll be coming home soon. But I’’ wait for a while, I guess. But until then, I’ll dream of happy times to be.

Love your son,
Charlie

2-15-05

2009-03-01T18:38:00.000-08:00

Mama,

Well, tomorrow is Valentines’ Day, Woopee! Despite having the best dreams in a while, I’m still sad. I wish I could snap out of this environment. Clap my hands and wake up –POW! But reality is solid. So to maintain my sanity, I retreat back to my dream world.

I was at my apartment and was late for dinner. I went to the old house and Christifer was already there. You were laughing. Somehow two people were with me and as soon as you saw them you just got a plate and served them. I got my plat and you yelled at one of them to eat. But you did it like the person was a guy and upon a second look you saw it was a woman and just started to laugh. Christifer laughed too. It was a good time and the food was awesome!

I am very thankful for my dreams. They help me remember who I am and what I’ll become. I am glad I got to visit with you, even thought it was only in my head. :)
I woke up annoyed though. My cellie was doing this disgusting thing with his head. He’s got awful dandruff and scrapes it off with a comb and flicks it on to the floor. EW! Makes me want to vomit! I’m going to be moving out of this cell. I don’t like who I am living with. He is not a good person. I think I hate him. :)

I’m going to move in with this guy, Stardust. I like him and he has a cool name, Stardust. He doesn’t have a T.V. and I like to share.:)

I love getting your mail. Your words comfort me. Your stories inspire me. I feel so gifted to have you in my life. I wish I could give you some company. I miss being around you. I can’t wait to be with you and do all of the things we talk of doing. I miss you Mama. I’ll say some prayers for you. You don’t deserve any loneliness. Tomorrow, I hope Jesse will keep you company, even though you need your solitude. I just don’t want you to feel alone. :) Remember, I am here always. I’ll always be more than happy to talk to you and I’m always home! :)

Yeah Martin’s got a five year old boy named, Jay-cee and a little girl named, Valerie. I sent him a couple sketches of t-shirts and a pair of pants that I dreamt of. He’s going to put them on; At least that’s what he tells me. I want a shirt that says, God = Allah. I gave him a whole speech about religion not being worth fighting over different names for the same creator.:) Martin will take it to heart :). He’s easily influenced.

I was watching CNN and they had a professor from Colorado comparing the victims of the twin towers to Nazis. It cracked me up. It was taken so out of context. He basically said the same thing. I’ve been saying. So, on that level it gave me the chills. Just what did we expect to happen after out government goes and tries to change their cultures. Stand on the streets with tanks and guns and kill innocent people in the name of “Freedom”. It cracked me up. He went and made a statement to the press, surrounded by A.I.M. People were singing with a drum. Turns out he is an A.I.M lecturer and has written two books, “Kill the Indian, save the man” and “Perverted American Justice”. It just made me think that at least I’m no alone in my thinking and it gave me chills :).

I am sad to hear of Christifer’s troubles but he always pulls through. I hope he goes through with his schooling. I can see him in my head so excited to show me a new program utilizing recording. Some how, I can’t wait to punch him for not writing.

Yeah Bubba is not the most literate person, but I am so happy to hear from him. I think you should get a new outfit; one that reinforces your confidence. Good luck with all of that. I don’t quite understand what all that entails, but it sounds right up your alley. I am proud of you. Let the past be the past. Build towards the future. I cannot stress enough to leave it alone. :)

I am starving! I have no food in the cell. I need $ to buy food. I wish I could get some fast food, Wendy’s or a pizza. I would love some BBQ ribs, BBQ chicken with lots of sauce. Hell of thick …MMMMMM. I’m making my mouth drool. I could go for a fat juicy steak or lemon meringue pie and French fries with milkshakes – ooh and a baked potato w/cheese and sour cream, butter and bacon bits. A big fat steak and a bottle of A-1 sauce. I have to stop :). Root beer float, fajitas still sizzling and one of those huge margaritas with lots of cheese, grilled peppers and onions :). Green chili enchiladas, fry bread with chili and cheese, some tomatoes and lettuce and a bit of hot sauce.

I hate the way Meg Ryan walks so dumpy. I’m watching “sleepless in Seattle” Before this “Kate and Leopold”. She walks like a dorky little man.

I haven’t heard form my lawyer in a while. I wrote her last week and asked about things. I am waiting for a response. As soon as I hear, you’ll be the first to know.

Chinese food, sweet and sour pork, lo mein, chow mein, orange chicken, fried won tons, egg rolls and Jasmine tea. Yum! Like to eat it with chop sticks. I remember learning as a kid to eat with them. I sucked, but got better :) I remember all those times.

I never get full when I eat state issued chow – never. I want meat and vegetables! It’s only like 4 something. Damn I am hungry. Sorry or this, but gurgle, gurgle my stomach says, “Feed me!” I want corn-sweet corn with butter and salt.

Mom and Papa said that they are going to come after Jimmy and Glenna leave or something. I have no idea who they are, but it makes me smile. I love visiting with them when ever. I call on the phone. I can picture them, sitting by the t.v. and staring at whoever is talking. It is their way I guess. But I got two hugs and kisses from them twice. And ate some chicken wings, soda, candy bars, chips, and smoked a couple Marlboro reds. It was amazing. Even thought it felt weird that they were right there. I can not wait to see you under these conditions. I’ll get a special visit approved so you can come both days. And we can spend a weekend together. Yeah! I can’t wait – but will. Patience comes easy when you don’t have a choice. Patience, waiting, anxious? Naw- too bad. But whenever I get feeling anxious, I try and visualize my release date. I see in my mind, the freedom I will embrace. Smell the fresh air and smile. Then I open my eyes and see orange, but know the end is getting closer. The bars and chains that bind, don’t control my mind! :)

But before freedom I will see you. I hope. That one visit helped my whole outlook. I love those old people. I love you too.

You’ll come on a rainy day and the sky will part a way in the clouds so that the rain never reaches you. All around you water, but you will walk in sunshine on your way through the gates. You sit down and I’ll walk up and sit next to you and tell you how much I missed you. Then I’ll hug the shit out of you and give you a big kiss and we’ll just talk all day and the next day we’ll do the same.

I love you, Mama.
Charlie

2/4/05

2009-02-21T19:21:00.000-08:00

Mama,
Hey Mama! I got your letters :) I love getting letters from you. It makes my time go so smoothly. You make me so happy. I am proud of you. I love sharing your experiences with people- MY Mama!

I’m ready to leave this place now. I want to go be with you and give you company so that you are not all alone. Plus, I miss you :). I can’t wait to go home. I want o go right now.

In your letters you seem sad. I never want you to feel that way. I want you to remember, I am here for you and as soon as I am free, I’ll be up there with you and I can’t wait! Home is where my Mama is!

I want you to know that you deserve everything that you desire in a man, accept no imitations. Whatever was meant to be, will be. I believe destiny is on your side. I am so angry with the whole situation. You should not be alone! I want to leave this place and give you some company! :) Soon enough, I hope.

I have had a wonderful week. It seems as though people are coming out from no where and writing me. I feel bad though. I haven’t had any motivation to write anyone back. You know how awful is that?

Anyways, Martin, his baby’s Mom, Sharron and her best friend (my ex-girlfriend) all wrote and sent pics. Then I got like three letters in a row from you as well! I’m a happy little prisoner. :) I got pictures of Martin’s kids and a bunch of cool drawings. He also sent me a poster that he designed for some band. It’s dope. I have to tell you that I felt dirty after looking at the pictures though. They look so happy and bright. But I feel that way about all of the pictures I get. I wish I felt better about it :) Ha- I’m so weird.

They have had us locked down for three days. I guess they are searching the whole yard, but what’s prison without a couple strip searches? :)

I hat to say but Dara’s a slut. Christifer deserves so much better. What kind of woman does that? An old girl more like it. I think that is in our genes, to fall in love with someone we don’t deserve. A family curse :). I think it’s because we can see the potential deep inside so people and then they don’t reach the ability that we know they have. We’re left struggling to regain what we once saw. – Kind of funny. :) I can name two of yours, two of christifer’s, and like 13 of mine. I just get bored more often, but always go back and play the losing game. Sound familiar?

Oh I was watching PBS and there was a promo for paid healthcare workers for family members or something. Anyways, all of a sudden it goes to Moenkopi and I see Alice! I guess she is a paraplegic now :). But there she was! It was cool, yet sad.It has been a while sense I saw her. The last time I went up North, Christifer and I drove up and she was fine. I don’t know.

All of the bro here want me to step up and be the pipe holder for the yard. It’s a big honor. I have the pipe along with the herbs in my cell now. I’m supposed to let everyone know this weekend what my decision is. I’ll have to fast for one week and learn how to bless things and work the pipe ceremony. But I think I’ll do it. It should help me. Plus they won’t ask me to put in any work if I hold the pipe which is cool.

I’ve been teaching them all of the songs I know. We sweated last week and they all sung them in the sweat. It was cool. Then when we got out some people on the yard started to fight and two people got shot. O we were stuck out there for a couple more hours. So I taught them a thunder song. Just when I had them all in sink, it started to rain. We were all around the fire and started to sing louder. And it started to hail. We all got some blankets and covered up around the fire, singing in the rain/hail. It was cool, despite the shootings.

I guess before I moved over here, there were tow other Indians living in here and one of them died from an O.D. Now our sink and toilet flushes by itself and I see smoke sometimes. It’s weird because you would think that after you died in prison you would want o leave- sad.

Anyways, I’m glad you’re having good work prospects. I’ve always been proud of you. You know that. I’m just happy things are finally starting to happen for you. I pray you stay strong out there and remember that I am here for you. As soon as I’ free, I’ll go where ever you are. I love you my Mama. You are my family. You’re the one that I really need. I don’t know how I would be without you. Yes, I’m a mama’s boy but that’s all right. :)

I was just telling my cellie about the rocky horror picture show mishap the other day HA! Felt so weird sitting there :) Ha! HA! I didn’t know what to do :) Oh God, how embarrassing! It wouldn’t have been so bad if it wasn’t so sleazy/nerdy and of course if I wasn’t sitting next to my Mom! :) Oh God.

But I only heard good things about you growing up. I never had anyone say anything negative about you, only positive. I love introducing you to people. I am so proud to be your son. I love you Mom and can’t wait to see you out on the outside.

Your loving son,

Charlie

Lost envelope - May, 05

2009-02-16T19:12:00.000-08:00

Mama,
Hey Lady :) I’m just sitting here thinking about you. I miss you! It was so wonderful to see you! I felt so special to see such a beautiful face :). You absolutely made my year! I love talking to you face to face. It’s so much easier on the hand and I get a response so much faster. Washington people don’t know how lucky they are having you up there! I miss being able to talk to you when ever I felt like it or having you stop by and chat. I felt such a wonderful energy coming off of you – you are golden! I swear it rejuvenated my being! I am so lucky having you as my Mama! :) I can not wait to join you in my freedom. It will be a happy time :) when we can just sit down eat and talk about the things only we can talk about. :) Our own little world. I love you my Mama.

I want you to know that you are not alone up there. Jesse’s going to hang out with you until I can get my butt up there. I don’t want you to feel lonely – ever! Resist all negative and stay strong – continue being the glowing beacon of hope and power for our family :). I believe in you and always have and I am proud of you! I talk about you every chance I get and I consistently think of our future. You have always been a big part of my life and that will never change. I look forward to our many deep insightful conversations together. I love you. I wish I wasn’t worried about you. I know you. But I don’t want you to feel lonely, sadness or any other ick that can come. You are important to my being. I do not want you to be harmed in any way. I pray for you every night. I just wish I could give you a hug. :)

I don’t have any stamps for like two days, but I have to get some thoughts on paper. I’ll ask my cellie and get this out in the morning. I’m going to start writing you more often. I think this will help. I know it would make me feel better. :)

There is this show called “Medium”> It was so cool. I’ve been waiting a while for it to come on and I finally saw it yesterday. It gave me a rush of chills like for the whole time. I thought you would enjoy the show. For some reason I felt like I was sitting on a couch w/you watching it in the living room :). I miss that too! Today I kept trying to talk about it with people. But they’re all dumb. It seems like whenever talk to them, I only get a one word response. I don’t know.

I don’t know if I even told you this, but one night Sarah and I were watching a movie and it ended. We were talking about it and I got a surge of emotions like a millions thoughts at once. It overwhelmed me and I started to cry, like in the middle of our conversation. Sarah was like, “What’s wrong?” all concerned and worried. But I couldn’t talk. It was so much I wanted to say, so I grabbed her hands and looked her in the eyes. And she started crying. It was like I was passing the feeling to her. So she starts the tears and I’m all trying to tell her something- anything. And I finally could form on a single thought and I told her that her Mom was there.

It was such a relief to get that out. I told Sarah that her Mom says that she loves her and is with her always and is proud of who she was or become (I don’t really remember the exact words) By this time Sarah is a complex ball of emotions. My hand start shaking and then my body and it was like her Mom’s words come out of my mouth. I said, “I love you” then my whole body convulsed and I got the chills up and down my being and this rush of emotions were gone. And I was left holding Sarah’s hands and staring into her eyes with no other feeling then wanting to comfort her. I just held her all night and she finally asked me what happened. All I could say was, “you know what happened”.

We never really talked about it until we were over at Candace’s and Sissy’s daughters ( the one with that ick guy) and she started doing the same thing. She says it’s Jesse and he says he misses us and is crying. It really was weird because just then the cell phone rang and it was Bruce Johns, one of Sissy’s cousins (I think you know who he is) We just sat around talking about it because he had just gotten out of prison and wanted to see how the family was doing. I should have seen this coming :) Jesse tried to get a message out to me and I didn’t even see it.

Now there are all these things about spirits interacting with our physical world. It seems everywhere and I’m sitting here watching this creepy T.V. show and this psychic is trying to tell her about her ability. The more she talks, the more intense the chills get talking about – not word for word- but you know how the signs were all around us but only a few can read them. :) Crazy and all this happened while we were sitting on the couch w/the dog in between us eating popcorn – or so it felt. :)Then a really creepy part happened and it cut to a commercial and you go, “oooooh!” and smile. I love you!

It’s like on e in the morning right now. I’m getting kind of tired. My brain is lagging. My cellie wanted to know if you got the address for that newspaper “Indian Country” for him. He wants to subscribe. If you could go online and get that information that would be greatly appreciated.

Well Mama, it is night night time but you can rest easy with the knowledge that you are not alone.:) I’m constantly thinking of you and can’t wait to start my new life when I get home to you. You truly are my inspiration for greatness! I’ll keep the letters coming along with prayers and oodles of love.

Your son,
Charlie

Mama!
I just got another letter – yes form you! How happy your words make me. One part was sad and I feel your sadness. You deserve such a wonderful partner. You deserve everything. But if you’re like me venting on paper always helps me feel better. That was the impression I got from your two completely different letters. Can we say Bi-polar? :) Just kidding. I get like that tot.

I was afraid you would be in an awful place after Mitch left. I ask for you to have strength and be protected. I believe in –always have! The world would be such an awful place without your brilliant light. Hope and faith get me through hard times. I’ll send some your way. I love you!

I wish I could go up and keep you company. I would love that! I don’t want you ever feeling lonely, if the sense of loneliness comes a knocking, do what I do and write. I usually write to you :) I feel so much better after I get done slowly talking with my hand and when I write it allows time for me to be more articulate! Thus -NOT sad :).

Are you talking about the movie, Serendipity”? I love that movie! They play it on TBS like once a month. I always watch it. I’m such a cheese ball. I’m all into these love stories :) Ha!

How cool is the information you feed me? Listening without hearing. I believe it. I don’t know how many times I had a thought pop into my head and before I could speak someone say the exact same thing. I always thought it was Jesse joining in on the conversation. It was just his way of participating in life too!

Sorry it has been like two days- I bet you didn’t even notice :) I’m sitting her listening to “Tool”. I just got back form chow. There was a fight, so I smell like pepper spray – spicy! I want to give you a hug. I miss you :(

I don’t know why but I doodled these weird things and I feel compelled to write on this paper. It adds a little something don’t you think? I’m in a very strange mood. I have a ton of things on my mind. I sent out some letters today. I’ve been sitting on for a while. Yes, I sent you one :)I also wrote to Martin and Erin. I need to write to Justin and Marrissa. Well, just Justin. I don’t know her. I also need to write to Patty. I never get around to it. She’s not what you would call stimulating conversation, if you know what I mean :)

I’ve been thinking about out of body experiences. And being able to leave self seems familiar. I remember when I was in county, I would listen to a program called, “Coast to Coast”.. There were all sorts of weird topics on the show. Anyways, there was this guy who said that he had met time travelers and had time traveled himself. There’s even a school for it. (Well, out of body meditation). He says that the time travelers where out of body travelers – I don’t know where I’m going with this :)

Anyways, I love you. Nothing really new over here – just the same shit different day. I love you my Mama. Watch out for that slippery ice and take care of yourself. I need you! I can’t wait to come home. If nothing happens to my case, I only have 60 more months which is better than 84 :)

I love you eternally,
Charlie

1/7/05

2009-02-14T15:26:00.000-08:00

Mama,

Hey mama. I love you. I’m sitting here in the middle of sketching. Bored and I thought I would write you. It always makes me happy. The guys down stairs blew their fuse and I guess our electricity is connected, so I’m without power. :) It’s been like this since last night. I heard you had a little electrical problem yourself. I wish this place would burn down! :)

It’s cold in here. They have the swamp on non-stop and it’s just cold. I’m wearing shorts, pants, and socks and I’m still shivering. Something about the sound and smell of the swamp cooler is just depressing to me.

Oh yeah, Happy Easter! It’s funny this morning I called Mom and Papa and the first thing I was going to say was “Happy Easter”, however, Mom and I said it at the same time :). I miss them.

I’m counting down to your 29th. I’m very anxious. I can’t wait to see you. I need to know exactly when you are coming so I can request a special visit, then we can have a whole weekend together. What a beautiful day that will be!  I love you Mama and I miss you and your conversations, hugs, thoughts. I just miss my Mama! 

I’m struggling to pick up a radio station 103.9. It came in clear in Florence. I’m just too far away I guess. It’s been a long time since I drew, read and wrote listening to music. It’s refreshing.

I got a whole bunch of pictures from Frank. Finally I have a picture of Sarah and I. God, I miss her. I dremt last night that I went to see Lacey and she was doing porn. I just told her good bye. She said that she had to tell me that Sarah was coming to get me and she hoped I was happy. Right after that I woke up very sad.

I wrote this song and sung it at the sweat yesterday. Those guys cracked up at it.
“I wish I had a woman that would love in the prison system. Hey ya Hey yo!
I used to get some mail, but she cut me off in jail. Hey ya Hey yo!
Now the only women I see is on the televisions screen. Hey ya Hey yo!
I’m all alone. I’m all alone.”
Those guys loved it! :)

It’s sad the things we take for granted. Never realize it until it’s gone then we’re left tying to fill a void. Grabbing at empty space – nothing but memories and fill their place. Oh well.

I hope you got those pictures I sent by now. It takes forever to receive anything at least a week old. I love you Mama. I really thought you would be happy to have them. I mean I was at first reality I guess.

That Hopi book is really interesting. It’s saying ancient Hopi stories are backed up through artifacts. Before they could settle down in their homeland, they had to migrate four times and they went as far as the East coast, leaving behind their marker. Certain clans fell off and forgot the instructions given to them. In the beginning these clans become all of the clans in the Americas. In Ohio and Florida they left huge mounds in the shape of a snake. There are six snakes through out the Americas. It’s called Masichn’a. the guardian spirit.

Oh Mama, I wish I could shake this dark cloud. The sun is going down and I’m running out of light. But tomorrow is a new day full of hope and relief. We should get our power back tomorrow. I hope. I forgot how time slows without the aid of a moving T.V. screen. :)

I got the address of the Federal clerk of the court. I’m going to write and ask for the paperwork I need in order for a federal review of my case. I hope something happens. I don’t want to be 26 by the time I get out. I pray I haven’t lost my 20’s and I get to spend time with my grand people and Chopper.

I don’t mean to sound so sad. I guess I’m just in one of those moods. Tomorrow- I will smile tomorrow. I think I’m tired. I want to sleep, but I want to wait until I’m all out of light. Maybe tonight I will dream a happy journey. One that will cancel out the previous.

I hope you are doing alright, better than me at least. Oh, have you heard from Christifer yet? I hope he is having fun and enjoying himself. Maybe getting a new perspective on things. I know you moved, but I’m sure you’ll get my letters. I love you.

April is almost here and so are you. Are you happy Mitch is going back with you> I hope in any event, you have an upper hand. :) All that matters is your happiness. I’m here for you no matter what comes, well in spirit :).

You are always in my prayers and I can’t wait to give you a big hug. I miss you lots and I hope you are safe and healthy.

I love you Mama and am very happy for your success and am very proud of you and what you are. I am very blessed to have you as my mother.

Your loving son, Charlie

[Two other letters came in the envelope with the previous one]

Mama, It’s me again. I thought I would ramble on for a couple more pages. Three pages don’t seem so long. Kinda’ skimpy. My sun is fading away and you are the last person I am writing to tonight, which is just as well.

I should write So’oh, Patty, Mom and Papa and Mr. Martin, but I only want to talk to my Mama. I guess I should write my pops to but…

Time, time, time. I wouldn’t mind a Coma right now. Knock off a couple of years in a blink of an eye. Yeah, wishes, :)Sweet wishes.

One day I will look back on all of this like a bad dream. I’ll try not to over compensate. Become famous and live in luxury. Spending my free time supporting worth-while causes helping humanity in the Red Cross or something like that. Oh the future, the thing with any promise :) tomorrow. I love you Mama. I could go for a hug.

How’s the old man, Chopper doing? I miss that old dog. I see him sometimes in my dreams. He runs and barks along side of Jesse. They play together and we have adventures.

Mama, I wish I was there with you. Sometime in the near future I will be. I can’t wait to spend Holidays with you and my family. What is to come is what helps me get through. Thanks for being there when I need you. I always enjoyed talking to you. You’re such a good listener. :)

I love you Mama. I’m going to finish this up and send it out,

Your loving son, Charlie

Mama-
Hey Mrs. Mama. Oh excuse me Ms. :) It’s Sunday night and I want to tell you I love you and miss you. I’m so looking forward to your b day. You’re going to be the best looking 29 year old ever!

I have some bad news, but I think you already know. I was real upset when I found out. ‘actually I read it wrong and was happy and screamed, “YES!”  But they confirmed the judgment. I was only upset for a minute. I know I can handle anything. I guess it just wasn’t the time. I really wanted it to be though.

There is this old man that I talk to from Rincon. It’s amazing how competent he is. I have been talking to him about all of this. He had his case over turned from State to Federal. He is going to help me out with the paperwork. I really feel like the Federal court would give me more justice, I hope. Whatever happens, happens. Fate is on my side. I could go for a hug though, despite the master plan. :)

I got your books! Very cool. I’m glad I have you in my life. Such insight, I still haven’t read, Freedom wherever we go. But I am savoring the amount of unread material I have on the shelf. I recently received three books from on e of the bros over here. “The way of the Hopi”, “Custer died for your sins”, and “Great Native American Speeches.” I used to have “Custer died for your sins”, but the book just puts me in a negative mood.

I was reading the Hopi book today. I only got up to the third Chapter. It was very cool. This old man is talking about migrations that took place. It’s all very interesting. The author is very knowledgeable. Especially considering the time the book was published. The group of old men is talking about the Hopi “chakras” and how much they have in common with the Tibetan and Hindu Mysticism. The Hopi Chakra’s have 5 points vs. the seven from Eastern religions.

The most important of the Hopi chakra’s is called Ko-pa-vi, the crown of the head. It is the most important because of birth. When we are children-babies, our skulls are soft because the door to the creator is open. Once our skulls harden, it is harder to hear to hear the creator. So, we rely on our other points in order to reopen the kopavi.

In Sanskrit , it is called Sattasrara-padma- the thousand petal lotus. This area accesses our brain’s pituitary gland. It is where our psychic, consciousness resides. That is why it is the most important. Funny for this Hopi belief to coincide with Eastern ancient ideas, huh? Another is located mainly centered between the eyebrows. The Hindu’s third eye. – Indians  This is where the Medulla oblongata is- I think that is where the emotions come from- not too sure though. The next is the throat. Then the heart. The Hindu word is Anahata Chakra ( I think) then the solar plexus area is supposed to be where the creator has a throne in all of us- our intuition. There are tow more in Hindu, but I don’t really remember. I know one is at the base of the spine. It’s in that yoga book. The lower points also represent the Earth because that was how the Earth was made. And our bodies are made of the same thing as the Earth- Air, Earth (dirt) :). Eastern Mysticism believes the same thing that man and the Earth are the same within the seven universes. It’s very cool to have my books overlap like that.

There’s a movie on T.V., “The Godfather” – very stupid. I’m listening to Tool. My cellie is down there doing something. I was supposed to move, but the guy didn’t want to when the time came. So, I’m trying to change this dude’s attitude. It’s a lost cause though. He’s tainted. He gets along great with the creeps. Anyone remotely good -looks at him as I do :). I get along with the good hearts. He gets along with evil hearts. – two hearts. I swear he is always talking about beating someone up and the things he did on the other yards – a bunch of hot air. I mean he makes sound effects when he reenacts his “stories”. Pathetic :)

Yeah the day I get anything from my brother , I’ll say, “Hey Jesse, it’s been a while!” He visits in my dreams sometimes just to say , “hi!”. I wish Christifer would write but…

Yeah jenny is that Lesbian. The last time I saw her wasn’t good. Lacey and her got into it. I tried to break it up. I put Lacey in the car. I went around to the other side and Jenny opened the door and started to fight some more. Then her little scooter boyfriend pulled her off and started to hit Lacey. I ended up hitting him in the head with a beer bottle. Then I got a night stick to the skull and ended up in the hospital waiting room. An awful night. All of these guys that talk about being with two women at once, don’t know about the drama afterward.
I wouldn’t mind hearing from her though. Ha! I like to have people to write to, especially ones that write back! I’ve known her since I was 16- no 15. Oh well.

Could there be a more stupid movie than “Space Cowboys”? I’m trying to buy a new shirt before you come to visit. The ones I have are all big and old. I need t new radio too. This one is broken. I have to rig it just to play it. I need a property form, but no one has one.

One of the bros lent me a couple of tapes and it is a pain in the ass to listen to them. This guy form the other side, whom I have never met sent me some hard house tapes too. I finally met him when a big fight broke out in the kitchen. The tapes were ones I used to have. It was a trip to listen to them. His name is Jesse.:) I sent him some D& B tapes. I’ll probably trade back in a week or so. I want one of them though.

Martin sent me a bunch of pictures he had. Three were of me and I sent one of them to you. If you can make a copy of it and send it back in the next letter I’d appreciate it. I thought you would like it though. I think he looks like Johnny in it.

The other one is me, I guess at the bus stop. I don’t know when Martin took it. I hate pictures of myself. I have one I look real bad in. I think I will hold on to it. Though, I would like a copy of this other picture too.

I love you Mama. Hang in there with me. I’ll get out some time. Hopefully soon. But until then I will keep you in my prayers. I’ll send nothing but good wishes your way. I can’t wait to see you in April! I’m excited. I miss you.

Tell Chopper, “Hi” for me. :) Don’t forget how proud of I am. Your strength keeps me strong. I love you.

Your son, Charlie

1-2-05

2009-01-17T21:14:00.000-08:00

Mama,

So I’m watching this show (my new favorite show) and I see this pilot crash his helicopter in a little stream. He is unconscious upside down in the water. His friend rushes to him and tries to free him from the wreckage. But the pilot is trapped underwater. So this guy picks up this 2000lb. helicopter reached under and pulls his friend out with one hand. It’s unbelievable but he is holding the helicopter with one hand and saving his friend with the other! Cool! Then this cat gets a new flea collar. The cat starts to choke and somehow it calls 911. The lady was all like, “911 Emergency” and all you could here was , “Meow!” The lady kept talking and when she was done the cat would respond with another meow :). The police went to the house and found the cat all tangled in the phone cord and choking :). It made me smile and also think of reincarnation :).
I haven’t been getting much sleep lately. I don’t know why. I get side tracked real easy. Yet, I seen to do three things at once or nothing at all. I am such a weirdo. :) I love you Mama. I’ll write more tomorrow.

I just got back from chow.. You’ve heard of dog chow? Well, this is convict chow :)! It’s cool though. I ate earlier and probably will later too.

I’ve been meaning to write my lawyer. I’ll probably write her tonight. I need to write a couple more letters like 5. So, until I do, I can’t complain about not getting mail. Even though it has been two weeks. :) I love you.

We are suppose to go to sweat today, but I guess I wasn’t on the list yet or something. I really wanted to get out and drum and sing. It was cool though, all of the skins went another round for me and my cellie. He says, Hi!”, by the way. I got Mitch’s tapes yesterday. I called over to Mom and Papa’s yesterday and Mitch was there. I told them to say, “Thanks!”. And it seemed that Mom wanted me all to herself or something like jealous :). I need to write them again. I sent a letter out yesterday, But I’m trying to get more mail out so I can get more back. Plus I get something to do :) I’m burnt on T.V.. So I’m jamming on bjork and Tool. The bjork album I used to have. but I think it got scratched to hell and back. So it brings back some memories. I remember the first time I sent a video to someone. It was my first love, Jenea. :) Oh How I loved her. Anyways, I sent a video to her with that bjork music playing in the background :). Those were happy times plus it’s tripped out and melodic. Tell him I appreciate the hell out of it!

I have been sketching around and Martin wanted to know what I have been drawing. So I sent him a letter on the back of a couple sketch pages. Nothing really to talk about but he will back at me.

Sorry for the delay. I’ve been slacking. I got some letters dated from you dated the 20th of Dec!
I guess it took a while for it to get over here, ridiculous though. I’ve been missing you a lot lately. I don’t know what’s been triggering all of these memories, but it’s sort of saddening. I wish I could leave this place and be with the people I choose to be around. I wish I could hug you. :) I just got back from chow and noticed that the air conditioners are called, “Cell-air”. I thought, “How funny”.

I need to write more often, I have a list of people that I’ve been neglecting. I sent a letter to the counselor to try and get my visits back. I haven’t heard anything yet, maybe tomorrow. I don’t know. I would love to have a contact visit all day long with loved ones – Wow! ") I’m tired of this glass shit. I want a hug.

It’s Martin Luther King day and all of these black people in phoenix had a walk or rally or something and they started to riot. How sad. I saw on the news all of them fighting each other from a helicopter’s point of view. Fighting each other- how sad.

I got your card, did I tell you? I have it next to my T.V. :) I have so many cards no. I have to take some down to make room for the new ones. :) I feel loved when I see them! I am so glad to have you in my life.

I finally got out to sweat. It was cool. They don’t have a big drum over here. They just have a little hand drum. But that’s cool I guess.. I sang all of the songs I know. I’m teaching these guys over here them. Which is funny, the student now becomes the teacher. One guy said I sound like a professional. It made me laugh, yet it was flattering. I’m going to teach these guys to jam. It will be fun. I can’t wait for these guys to learn and then we can all sing together. I‘ll let you know how it comes out.

I’m going to write my lawyer and find out what’s going on. I need to know. It is annoying being out of the know.

Happy MLK day. My Mama I miss you as always. I hope to hear from you soon. I pray you are doing alright. I need you. I hope you know that. You are never alone! I will always be with you, maybe not physically, but spiritually always.

I love you Mama, never forget that! I’ll get up there as soon as I can and we can hang out and talk face to face. What a day that will be!

Your loving son,
Charlie

(This is an old letter I found. Thought I would send it out. Love you.)

Mama,

Hey Mama it’s like Dec. 14th of something. It’s about midnight and I want to write you. All of my complaining was just for nothing. I got my store and I just got my new radio and my headband :) .
Happy is the one with food and Jungle (me). Anyways, I’ve been slacking on the letters. I don’t know why. It is just this time of year makes me want to sleep and sleep, except at night. How weird is that? I swear when I got my new stuff it felt like Christmas. I wear the headband all the time. I felt kind of feminine with my hair in a ponytail all the time. And it’s good to have another color to wear besides orange.

I’m jamming to the tape you sent me . God I love these tapes! Thanks again :) I’m waiting for the one’s Mitch got me. That will be cool. Did you tell him I said, “Thanks”? Tell him, “Alright and fuck yeah!” :) .

I saw this show on Fox called, ”House, MD”. And the theme son is a song by Massive Attack. I love that song, so I started to watch it. It was sort of lame but with a cool message embedded in it. Too much ick though, so i changed the T.V. to something to put a smile on my face. I’d rather laugh than cry.

I was watching some cheesy movie where the family went on vacation and were in a car with the dog. The dog farted and they were all yelling at the dog. It had me rolling! Remember when that happened to us? I sure do! It triggered all of the memories of Chopper, cars and stink. Those three words seem to all go together – him and his skunk fetish! :) I miss that dog. Give him a hug for me. I hope I get to see him before I don’t have the opportunity to do so.

Well Mama, I’m yawning and the fast paced music in my ear isn’t doing it for me. So, I’ll continue sometime in the morning. I love you!

12-29-04

2009-01-04T19:23:00.000-08:00

Mama,
Hey you! I’ve been moved to a new yard near Buckeye. I’ve been here for about a week now. Sorry for not writing you sooner. I’ve been adjusting to my new surroundings. I’m not sure if I’m safe yet, but my cellie’s cool. gave them my name and number, so, I’ll see. :) The cells over here are so big. I feel like I have my own studio apartment. It’s that big! There’s a lot of people in here. It’s like 50 people to a pod. There’s a gun tower in the middle of the rec. yard. I guess a lot of people have been getting shanked over here. We have to walk in a line everywhere, but it’s a lot better than handcuffs!

I can walk to chow and rec. and smoke. :) I feel bad about it but it relives stress and this isn’t my favorite time of year. Yesterday was Jesse’s birthday and I felt so down. I’m fighting off a bug too and that doesn’t help. I was going to write you yesterday, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I only broke down once yesterday, which is better than last year. I’m sure you feel the same way. I really missed you yesterday – a lot. You always make me feel better, so I guess I should have written.

Christmas Eve and all I want is my family, well maybe a plea bargain. :) But I do miss you and pray you are surrounded by love. I will be continually sending good vibes your way throughout these holidays. I hope you are smiling this very moment and are comforted by love. I miss you my Mama and I love you very much.

Since my New Year’s resolution is to build my muscles up, I told my cellie to help me out. So, I now have a personal trainer. :) I’m very sore, but it feels good. I have forgotten I had time.

I had a pretty good dream last night or the other night. Anyways, I was at a pool party or a party with a pool and I came inside and everyone was staring at my arms and chest. So, I think I’m on the right path. So, the next time you see me I’ll be huge. :)

I can’t wait to get a visit over here. It will be all day long and contact. What a day it will be! I can’t wait to give you a hug. I swear if you could package them, you would be rich! :) A can of Mama hugs!

The toilet over here are ceramic and sparkling clean. Evan though you can only flush it three times an hour. It feels a lot better than the walls in Florence. The water tastes so much better than over there too! I hope to stay here w/out any problems. I could get used to this place. It is nice.

I tried to call Mom and Papa at rec. but I think they have already went to Matt’s. I’ll write them next. It won’t go out until after x-mas, but at least they will get it soon. I wanted to write a letter to Justin but they had already left. :) Oh well, I will keep praying for him. It works.

I hope you sent me a letter. I miss you. It will take about two weeks for my mail to follow me over here. So, since your letters mean the most to me, I’m writing you first. :) Plus, I want you to know that I am thinking of you around this time. I just had a déjà vu; it was faint, but friendly. :)

There are six different Jesus channels over here. It’s crazy! I watched, “The Godfather” last night. I had never seen it before. It was lame and made me feel dirty. Talk about stress out of everything else – ick!

I miss you. I wish I had more motivation to write, but I’m in a slump right now. I’ll get back at you later on

Mama, It’s the day after x-mas and I wanted to get back at you and finish filling up the envelope. It’s almost 2005 and I’m hopeful the New Year will be better than the last. We have been on lock down since x-mas. Someone got shanked Thursday and I guess they had less staff than usual – go figure. Any ways, they have just been bringing our food to the door, which I am used to.

I’m sorry for not writing you sooner, but I am now over the bump of depression that usually bites this time of year. Plus Friday is the future and with any luck I will be out or at least get word from my lawyer about the case. The last letter I got was telling me that the courts were “at issue” w/ my case. My lawyer kindly explained that the courts at this time were not asking for anymore information, which is cool and uplifting. :) So that was Nov. 22nd. Soon I should hear something.

I hope you had a good Holiday and took some time off from your busy schedule. I ask God to give you strength and to support you and your visions. I am sure he (or she) :) is listening. I hope sadness is not an important factor this x-mas. I know how it is, but I always remember your wisdom. It keeps me strong. So, I pray you listen to your own words, even though I am positive that you have.

I do have to tell you, I miss you. I miss your love. I’m having family withdraws over here! I fell guilty that I didn’t send this out before x-mas. But I hope you understand. I didn’t want to bring you down. I can just imagine getting a sad letter from your son in prison on x-mas. :) - not appealing. :)
So, I did not want this to be the case. Yes, sometimes my imagination runs wild, but it’s all true.

It’s been two weeks since I have gotten any mail. I hate moving yards. It takes forever to receive old letters that were new.

I keep looking at the weather for Washington and it is cold! I know you like a white x-mas, but snow is cold BRRRR! It is like 50 degrees over here and I think I have frost bite. :) I hope you, Mitch, Chopper were all snug and comfortable with that cat inside of your troll house. I can picture you all on the little couch, wrapped in a blanket staring at the tube watching “it’s a Wonderful Life”, maybe drinking tea or cocoa. This is how I envision you spending Jesus’ B-day. It puts the feeling of family back into my mind and heart. This picture makes me feel warm inside my prison cell. :) I love you Mama. And I miss you very much!

I can remember many negatives on Christmas and around that time and for the first time, I didn’t dwell on the past misfortunes, Instead, I focused on the future. Soon enough, I will join you in that snow filled country and we will play together in the snow building snowmen or women :)
Together as a family we will eventually erase the negative and create happiness in its place. I look forward to all the memories waiting to be made. But for now, I hope you stay positive and remember I love you and miss you :).

I want to thank you for my new suit and guitar too. :) But seriously Mama, I want to thank you for all of the presents in the past. And despite all of the wrong on x-mas, you have always made everything all right. Even in time of poverty, you have always made Christmas a possibility. On behalf of me, my brother, cousins and Joey,
Merry Christmas!

Your son,
Charlie

Ms. Mama,
Just finished with your x-mas letters and figured I’m on a writing roll.

New year’s is Friday and I wanted to wish you a Happy New Year. I also wanted to remind you to eat sauerkraut, bang pots and pans. I remember New Years as a fun time growing up. So, I would like you to have a good time ringing in the New Year. I want you to promise me that you will – I means it!

Oh did I tell you I got a letter from Frank? [his Dad] He sent a picture of Christifer, Martin, Vincent and K rocker Chris all together. I have it now. I have a smile on my face. Him and Jaime are usual. He’s a dog and she’s stupid. :)I just wanted to say HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! And thank God x-mas is over. Have a glass of champagne for me, get a kiss at midnight and do all the things for good luck! :)

I love you my Mama
Your son, Charlie,

P.S. Tell Mitch I said, “What’s up! And thanks for the tapes. I haven’t gotten them yet, but soon I hope.” Give Chopper and hug for me.

12-10-04

2008-12-27T22:01:00.000-08:00

Mama,

Sorry for not writing more. I just haven’t had a lot going on. It’s not excuse – just whining. It’s like Dec. is not m favorite time of year. They started selling x-mas store. So if you could send me some money that would be appreciated!

I’ve been watching these make over shows (It seems like there on every channel now). Anyways, I want to cut someone’s hair! How silly but true. I want to uncover the beauty in some scruffy soul. :)I thought of the name for my salon – J. Maurice- it just sounds hair styley to me. “J. Maurice will see you now.” “I can’t, I have an appointment at J. Maurice”
:) Its got the vibe I want. If you go to a salon w/ that vibe, you can charge a lot!

I’ve been watching that “top model show” since it started. I’m all into it. The models went to Japan and their clothes are all dope. The street style is all futuristic. I remember, I talked a drunken Aunt Linda into buying me a pair of pants from Japan that cost $120. I loved those pants! There were all these Japanese kids walking around looking like cartoons. The obviously didn’t care about the norm. I mean over here even the freaks have guidelines, you know? But over there, it seemed like everyone was original. I could see Martin going over there and making it big.

I’m kinda’ sad. I wrote Martin last month and just now got the letters back saying that the address was undeliverable.  I wrote like a 20 page letter to him. What a bummer! There’s nothing really to do but wait for another letter with a legitimate address on it. :(

“J. Maurice…” :) There’s this show on TLC called “ a baby story”. I t makes me want a baby so bad! Its kind of depressing… you know. Babies are so cute. I want one. I miss my daughter. :)

I can’t wait to get over there to Buckeye! I want a cigarette so bad! :) Oh and a soda! :) Yep and to walk around without handcuffs. That’s what I see in my future. At least until I get a court date.

I haven’t gotten any tapes yet. :( Sh**, I still haven’t gotten my new radio. The money was taken Sept. 3rd. It’s supposedly in route. But I don’t trust any of these people. It is kind of frustrating. I fell as though I have had enough frustration in my life. :(

Alright today was the day to order store and I have no $. Please send me $. I need to eat x-mas style!

My neighbor let me listen to my tapes on his radio. God I love drum and bass! :)He’s got the good head phones that picks up excellent bass! Happy I am. I forgot about x-mas. Sorry about the time lapse in my letters. I just lose motivation real easy. Mail came and I got none again. :( I wish my Dad would write, maybe next year.

I’ve decided to work out daily at the start of the New Year. This will be my resolution. I need more protein in my diet though. And the only thing they sell is tuna which I don’t mind. But for x-mas they started selling pepperoni :) Yum. I want some pepperoni for our picnic![We're planning a picnic when he is released. We will sit under a big tree and have a feast.]

I miss you Mama. I hop0e you’re safe and warm. It is freezing in here! Say, “hi!” to Chopper and Mitch. I guess the cat too!:) I wish I were there with you. But soon enough, I will be. Only five more years to go!! I know that sounds awful, but it is sort of reliving a bitter sweet taste.

I really don’t have much to talk about. But I like to write to you. It makes me happy. I will write you another letter later, but for now, I hope your night is filled with love and kindness. Always remember you have a son in AZ that loves you eternally and misses you. Stay strong throughout these times. I am with you in spirit.

Your son,
Charlie

[There were 3 letters inside of this envelope.]

Mama,
I can’t wait to get out of this place! I want to just go and never come back. How relieved I would feel. :) It’s about 12:00. It’s quiet and cold in here. The stupid cop forgot to take my store list in. (Mom and Pap sent me $25 YEAH!) I yelled at the cop, but he said he would pick it up later. Well, it is later and I think I am burned like toast. I’ve decided to wait up for him and make sure when he does his walk to make sure he takes it. It would make me feel better. I need toothpaste, stamps, paper and especially food!

I feel lonely tonight. It is kind of uncommon for me to feel down, but I do. Hopefully tomorrow, I’ll feel better. I don’t like waking to all of the noise and the sight of the bars. But it has been cloudy and I like that.

I usually pray around 12:00 – midnight. That’s when I go to sleep. So, if that is good sign me up.:) I’ll dig in my old mails and find the diagram of the rosary –you sent me a while back. That will take a while. Do you know I have a big box with all of my old mail in it? It is big and it always makes me feel loved when I open it up. :)

I see all of these commercials on T.V. about mattresses. Oh God how lovely they look. Anything will beat this thing I sleep on. Every morning my back hurt and my neck cracks. I want one of those Swedish sleep systems or the space age technology foam – hell yeah!

I need to write Patty and So-oh. But I don’t have anymore paper after these two sheets. I’ll ask my neighbor for some in the morning. Mom and Pap says that Patty has a job at Dillard's. I was so shocked to hear that. It made me kind of proud. :)

This show called “The O.C.” came on tonight. I’ve been watching it since it came on. I’m all into it. It’s kind of funny, because you can tell who is watching it on the run from the ooo’s and ahs! :) Convicts crack me up. I don’t know how you can watch “The Apprentice”. I hate those people and that Donald Trump – EEEWWWW! I mean who wants to work for that guy and all those people seem so f***ing snobby. :)

I like that big, fat, obnoxious boss. :) All of those well educated flakes kissing ass for nothing. Yeah that’s good T.V. Have you seen the real Gilligan’s Island? I watch that too. Those two: O.C. and Gilligan’s- I never miss or Top Model.

Oh Mama, how did I end up not having anything to talk about but T.V.? :) I used to have so much drama in my life, it wasn’t funny. It is hard to believe that almost two years ago, well four month’s short of tow years. It feels like on long ass day or a month. Thank God I compress memories like I do.

It is almost that time and I haven’t even went shopping yet. :) Now that hardest part of Dec. is the 23rd. I don’t know why it is that date instead of Jan. Maybe…it’s just a rough day. I miss him so much! I hope he is okay wherever he went. I’m sure he is. It is just so f***ing frustrating!! You Know? When things are out of your control and no matter what you can’t change the past. And in an instant you’re back there in your mind reliving that memory as if it was happening again. (sigh) Just know I love you and love is eternal as is Jesse’s. I’m completely positive of that. :) I love you Mama, never forget!

Well the cop hasn’t come back by to pick up the list yet. So, say some prayers for me. :( I NEED food! I’m sure everything will work itself out in the end. That f ***ing bast***! :( Anyways I don’t want to end on a negative note and since I have very few lines to write on I’ll probably continue on some drawing paper. It is used though but recycling is caring.

I love you so much. You are such a powerful, wise and beautiful inspiration in my life. I thank God for allowing you to be my mother, my giver of life. From you all the good I create is started. I love you my Mama!

Your convicted son,
Charlie
AKA J. Maurice :)

Alright so I ran out of writing paper, so? I’ll get some in the morning from my neighbor. It is later and that guard still hasn’t picked up my list. I’ll try and talk to the morning shift guy to turn it in for me. I sure hope that Alex is a better guard than this guy. You know he is training in Tucson. How weird would that have been to run into him on the yard over there? :) Opposite end’s of the spectrum – brown or orange. God decided orange looked better on me. :) I hope I go back to the court room soon. I hope everything turns out the way I want it to. I have so many wishes. I do believe I’ll ask Santa. Should I write the North Pole> I read in National Geographic that a town in Alaska changed it’s name to generate trusts and for some money. People write back to your kid telling them to behave and all this. It was ridiculous. The whole town was set up Santa style, the Inn and even the burger joint. It was kinda’ funny at the same time. I hope you are not put off by my drawings. They were originally for Martin. But since I don’t have his address, it is going to Washington instead. I love you my mama. Don’t forget you have two other sons that do as well. I miss you Mama. Merry Christmas.

Your son,

Charlie

11-23-04

2008-12-21T19:51:00.000-08:00

Mama,
Hey I got your letter today. I get so happy when I get mail, especially insightful, intelligent mail. :) I woke up to go out to rec. and got whiplash or something. I can’t turn my head to the left – ouch! Any ways I got your reply form Edgar Cayce people. It gave chills three times! Yesterday I was reclassified to an open yard. I’m kind of nervous though because it’s in Buckeye. It the same place where they had that stand off. I guess the whole place is crazy and it’s a Warrior Society yard. They took away sweat lodge over there. They are also constantly on the local news down here. I tried to go back to Rincon-Tucson, but they wouldn’t let me. I’m just going to say I came from here and leave it at that. Hopefully, I won’t have any trouble. One good thing is that I can have contact visits again- mad cool.

I don’t know if Buckeye is closer to Chandler than Florence or not, but the calls are local. I can't wait to get over there. They said it would take 3-4 months of move , but I’m not in much of a hurry.

So I read the prosecutor’s brief. They are trying to say that my lawyer’s attempts to include that Blakley case in my appeal is irrelevant because I filed my case before the Blakley case was settled and the fact that I didn’t raise the issue in trial, which is ridiculous because the Judge didn’t allow my lawyer much leeway. So I am just sad.

Then I get a reply to that reply form my lawyer yes- yesterday! She defied their theory because when the Judge sentenced me he took in consideration a dropped charge and aggravated a charge no originally alleged by the state – the Judge stated “this happened more than one occasion”, “ I could have stopped”, “and continued until it was put to a stop”, even though unlawful flight was charged as a one occasion. The jury made no determination that I continued until it was put to a stop. The verdict didn’t support the verdict on recklessness. The state claim is not supported by my testimony on a dangerous intent. When under oath I testified that when faced with a dead end, I didn’t panic. I just did a u-turn and went in between them with no intent to ram a cop. The state distorted the context as to show I was the aggravator because I didn’t stop. They insinuated that it wasn’t just because I simpley didn’t want to stop.

“If the Jury convicts a defendant but does not make the necessary fact wall finding to support an aggravated sentence the Judge can impose no more than the presumptive sentence.” – Jones VS USA1999 That was way before the Blakley case. Oh Happy day!

Yeah I wish I could share all of this with you on the phone, but you know how that is. I miss you very much. Oh I forgot Mitch was approved for a visit. That’s cool. I should be on an open yard next time you come. Remember to bring me a pack of Marlboros :)

I miss you Mama. I am waiting to see you again :) I pray all is well with you and Mitch up there.

So the only glimpses I’ve seen are through the eyes of cops- the show. There are always some lame stops for petty crimes. It’s funny.:) I bang on the wall and tell my neighbor, “That’s where I’m going!” He seems annoyed because they have been there a lot and I always bang! :)

So these white dudes next to me were fighting today. It’s funny because they just basically threw stuff at each other- water, etc. They hauled them both off to SMU and my black neighbors and I watched with glee. :)

They have been showing “The wizard of OZ” all weekend. I’ve watched it twice. I also saw the grinch. I love that dog when he gets those antlers tied to his head :)

When I read your letter regarding Berry’s kids, I look back on my shenanigans as a teenager and smile If you recall when I was 13, I convinced my girlfriend to take her dad’s car and we had it for a couple days. I was sexually active at that age and used to sneak out. I remember when I took my dad’s Jetta out and and backed up with the door open and scraped a corvette. I think I was 13; One thing that made me straighten up was juvenile detention. See the trouble that I see Berry’s son has is that he knows that he only has a limited amount of time to be a kid and not get into serious trouble. He’s thinking his Dad will bail him out. I know I would – anyways, it is probably just a phase. That is a weird age to be in. I remember you guys put me in a mental institute a couple of times – three actually. :) It sort of helped because you don’t want to be locked up. You start thinking about all the stuff and people you took for granted. At that age time goes so slow and all you want to be is a man. It could have something to do with being sexually active. It opens up the world to new possibilities. I would suggest making him feel more like a man. Give him a set of responsibilities that would make him feel more important – as a man. I would put him in charge of something on a semi-weekly basis, not everyday but enough to where he is depended on. He’ll begin to realize that his family acknowledges him as a man and when he messes up, he will want to earn the respect back through some good deeds. I think if Berry sat down and tried to tell him what it takes to be a man, it might help. You know set some standards for becoming of age. Now that I look back on it that could have altered some of my teenage out bursts.
Crazy to think that something so simple as that you could do so much.

I wish I could take the things I did away. I’m sorry for all that I put you through growing up. I know it doesn’t really matter, But I apologize anyway. Your love and support equals more than two parents plus one. I love you!

I get sudden urges to run around and not be so lazy. I need to do something more productive with my time. I’ll set like these standards like 80 push ups or something. And I never get around to it and go to bed disappointed. I can’t wait to leave this place and go somewhere where there is more interaction with people. I want a workout partner. I think that would help. OOH, I just had a de ja vu. I like it . It feels familiar and warm! :) I feel so bizarre trying to explain my thought on paper. I take talking for granted. :) X-mas is coming soon and they’re putting extra store on commissary for the month of Dec. I can’t wait! Even though I don’t have any $, my neighbor said that he would buy me some beef jerky. Ha! How sad! I’m looking forward to it :)

I tried to watch “the Wizard of Oz” for the 4th time tonight. And I can’t do it. I want a pair of slippers to send me home! The name of the grinch’s dog is Max- Max the dog. :)

I saw this awful thing on TLC about “The haunting”. It creeped me out. It’s so freaking cold in here. I was all bundled up and pulled the covers over my eyes. There was a priest and he was performing an exorcism. There was a commentary from some dude. I started to think about what the dude was saying. Everyone in the house believed in prayer and believed that certain things were blessed – the water, cross etc. Praying helps all of these things holy. This dude was saying how subconsciously we put so much faith into something that if we can see it physically, it creates the original intention.

So remember to send out good thoughts and vibes! But honestly, think about placebos, if you believe something will work it does. Holy water = sugar pill for your soul :) Many different people around the world believe different things purify when truly the only thing that connects such random things is faith. Just as all of these different higher powers there all higher power powers, yet people fight over different faiths daily when we’re all just trying to achieve the same thing: a oneness with God. The only true religion is faith. So remember my wonderful Mama. Keep the faith.

I remember a book a read before called the way of the magician or something like that. In the first page it said that the universe is inside of you and if you understand that there was no point in reading the book. How true is that. Everything I wanted to be was already inside me. I just didn’t know it.

As for your inquiry about what color suit, I would like I bet I would look respectable in dark blue.

Somebody got stabbed. Right now there air lifting him off the yard now. I will pray for him. I drew the Katchina last week and the more I look at it the more I look at it, the more I pick it apart. So, it’s yours. Remember this one?

I miss you Mama and I hope you are warm right now. I will continue to inform you on anything that happens in my case. Sorry for not going into detail last time. I just didn’t have an upside to it yet.

Happy Thanksgiving too. I’m sure you’ll eat good. Give some turkey to Chopper for me. Tell Mitch I said what’s up and stay cool. Oh and tell him to not work so hard.

I’ll be missing you and your thanksgiving feast.
I love you infinitely.

Your son,
Charlie

11-12-04

2008-12-16T21:57:00.000-08:00

Mama,
I always get into the writing mood late at night, especially when I am conversing with you. It’s about midnight. I know because the T.V. shuts off. They kill the cable at 12am. I saw that movie “Arachnophobia” today. It reminded me of you. I remember watching it with you many times .I remember you squeezing my arm as a kid wincing at the sight of such creatures :)It made me smile and laugh. I love having happy memories get triggered in my days. I have plenty of them in my mental bank.

I dreamt of Jesse last night. We were older than at first communion. Back when you gave Christifer the Benz and before he took off to Cheryl’s. We were trying to write a song. Jesse wrote the lyrics. I was singing to the music that we had prerecorded on the system. As soon as Jesse wrote, I sang at the pace of his hand. It was very bizarre and most of my nighttime journeys are becoming more and more bizarre. Anyway, I woke up after having a wonderful sleep, with a mind set I have been taking for granted. How strange it is to be happy in a place like this, yet it is becoming an everyday thing. I have a strange yearning for sadness. I guess I feel out of sorts w/nothing really negative going on, no tragic mishaps. No recent deaths, how weird. :{

I had a discussion with the chaplain over here. I have to tell you he is not very kind. He was going through my religious box and found a cigarette in my tobacco and wrote me up. I haven’t had access to my to my box since I got here, so how can they hold that against me? I think I took it relatively well, considering what my neighbor wanted me to do. Anyhow, everyone on the Westside of the cell block got a good laugh at my misfortune. I am supposedly the only person anyone of out of all of their contacts has ever heard of that got a ticket from a Chaplin. Crazy!

Mom and Papa said my per-capita check was coming soon. I don’t know though. I hate asking them for anything. I wrote to my Dad for like the tenth time. – no reply. I gave up on Christifer. I tried to call Mom and Papa twice, but I didn’t get any response. :) I wrote that Erin a while ago. She hasn’t written anything back since I received that one letter. I’ telling you I should be sad, but it just won’t come! I wrote everyone. My Mama writes me though and Mom and papa sometimes. Oh and I got a letter for So-oh last week. But this is my last stamp so I thought I would write you instead. I feel guilty about Mom and Papa. I should write them. I tried to call , but no one answered.

This cricket keeps scaring me! I think it is a roach moving fast, especially when I catch him out of the corner of my eye. :{

I was beating myself up thinking that I came off sounding crazy when I wrote Erin. But I mean, I don’t know- no one really wants to write someone that they have never met who is in prison. And if they did, I would tend to think there was something wrong with them :) I did feel better when you told me the her and her “friends” dressed up as a rainbow. I kind of got that feeling when she sent me some pics of her and her “friends”/

Picturing you with glasses, makes me think you are gaining intelligence) Through all of your intelligence you can see Autumn in its Washington form. I am jealous) You can keep your 28 degrees though. It is 58 degrees and I am freezing!

It is raining tonight. How I love the smell of rain in the desert. The scent of wet creosote and dirt- autumn!

It seems that when ever I turn on the radio, Bob Marley comes on. I swear in another life, I was a Rastafarian – praise Jah! :)

I miss you Mama. I wish I could converse with you through different means. I never feel like writing to you until late at night. That is when my creative juices get flowing. I have such a hard time sleeping at night. As soon as I lay down I am filled with epiphanies. I have nights where it seems like I over analyze the past and pick apart everything I have ever done. Imagination sucks sometimes. I think my mind makes up new ways I messed up before- too many should haves and could haves.

Anyways, I watched this documentary on advertising tonight. It was interesting. It sort of made me disgusted though. Our so called “culture” is nothing more than spiritual enlightenment through products. There was this plane company that was making their ad campaign a cultural “movement”. It leads simple minded Americans into believing that only the most stylish, in-touch, beautiful people flew their airline. The concepts were SO ridiculous! Yet, people were buying into it. Stupid Americans. I am thinking about turning in my citizenship! There was a French cheese company that wasn’t doing well with their campaign and so they enlisted the help of some sort of ad –industry guru. He explained that in France cheese is alive- living, Yet in American cheese that is alive is considered “gross”. Doesn’t it sound gross? So they prepackaged it three times and put pasteurized in bold print and of course it sold! Magic! It was amusing until it got to the political aspect, with simple minded Americans buying anything they are lead to believe is a way of life. It is no wonder Bush is in office for another 4 years.

It kind of gets me thinking about what you wrote to me in your last letter about T.V. being my only window to outside – like Mom and Papa :) There are a lot of people that only live through T.V. Easily manipulated masses are everywhere! Here is a good example ( where I am). I was joining in a discussion here on the cell block about Bush and Kerry. So many fro Bush but no one could tell me why we are fighting in Iraq) Sure the first answer is “we’re fighting the war on "terrorism” Until I remind them that that was why we were in Afganistan. It goes back to the advertising shit. Another psychiatrist- an old guru was retained on behalf of the Republican party on how to best deal with the war. As soon as the “War in Iraq” was changed in the mouths of their party to the "War on Terror”- national support raised by 35 %! I mean come on! 2+2= what? Retards I swear. Anyway, you know how I feel about that so I’ let it go…I guess :). Oh Mama, we as a nation are headed for disaster

I was watching Jerry Springer—I know, I know! Anyways, I had to shut it off. It was just trash- absolute garbage. I felt dirty watching scum cheat on their equal scum. I seriously got up and brushed my teeth :) I got the he-bee- gee- bees just thinking about it! EW!

I hope you write soon. No one else writes any more. It’s going on a week with Nada. I kinda’ stopped caring until my damn neighbor asks if I got any love. I wonder why the hell I befriended that fat black b******rd sometimes :) I know he is trying to be nice and friendly. But it is like rubbing salt into a wound. Love – HA!
I am tired of being in this situation – day after day. I feel so stunted and lonely. I care if anyone write me or not – how pathetic! These walls and bars are getting smaller, Waaaaa! I just can’t wait to be free. I don’t want to think about outside in case of depression, but I want out.

I hate having to ask people for money. Oh God, how horrible I feel. And these damn ads are starting to gear towards the Holidays. Stupid f ***ing Thanksgiving is coming up children all around and the nation are going t be taught the stereo- typical Indian and dress up like an “Indian” as if it was a mythological creature – be fed all this bullshit about how the pilgrims some how gave something to the natives. AHH!

I want some cranberry sauce! I want to scalp me a pilgrim! I just want freedom. I want to leave this behind me and emerge out into a better world I want to go home for x-mas. I just want freedom. I want to leave this behind me and emerge out into a better world. I want to go home for x-mas.

I’ve rejects x-mas since I was 13 and since Jesse died. I don’t even want to be reminded of the holiday. But this year, I want a tree. I want wreathes. I want to go to Mom and Papa’s and be ignored by everyone but Mom and Papa. I want Christmas. I don’t want to spend another one locked up. :) It’s kind of funny because the last x-mas I was out there, I hid from everyone and rejected everything. But it is all part of the plan, I guess. I miss you.

I love you very much and I continue to pry for you and yours. I will always love you. You inspire me, give me hope and make me feel loved. I love you my mama.

Thanks for everything. I hope you are alright up there in that bone chilling weather. Dress warm and take care of that old dog and I don’t mean Mitch :). How’s he doing? I’ve got a couple of pictures of him. He looks happy.

I’m sure you are sound asleep right now. So, I will send some good thoughts your way. Hope they get there before you awake. I’m getting tired about now but I want to send this out in the morning. Hopefully you will get it in a couple of days. Forgive me for not writing more. I ran out of stamps and $. I need to send some acknowledgement out to my lawyer soon. It’s been a while, but I only had one stamp and it was already on the envelope so you won the toss up. Besides she never writes me 

I miss you Mama. And I love you. Keep up the good work. Don’t forget you have a son in her that loves you! Jesse loves you too! Christifer does too – just he is dense in his emotional area – but you already know that don’t you? I have a little picture of him staring at me. He says , “hi” and he loves you.

Well, Mama I’m yawning a lot now. It’s pretty late. Te T.V. has been shut off for a while now and they’re playing crap on the radio. So before I begin to babble on and on I’ll close.

Don’t ever forget I love you and value your input into my life. I am very proud of you and your accomplishments, I miss you my Mama. Give Chopper a hug for me and tell Mitch I said, “What’s up!” and not to freeze his AZ bred butt off. I love you Mama. Oh tell Mitch thanks for ordering those tapes for me. Tell him he kicks ass. I love you, Mama.

Your son, Charlie

11-4-04

2008-11-27T21:09:00.000-08:00

Mama,
I am watching PBS and there is a documentary on John Kerry. He is not what I expected at all! He led the veterans to march on Washington. It was the first time veteran’s protested a war. He spoke to the Senate in his twenties. It showed Nixon talking about Kerry as a threat and found another veteran to fight Kerry. Nixon said that they need to hurry in case he became another Ralph Nader.

It is now showing what Bush did at the same time. Blowing off showing up after he had been drafted. Instead he stayed out all night drinking! Now they’re showing Kerry trying everything to end war. He is petitioning congress and lose with a 9% loss in the polls. After losing he entered law school.

Bush’s oil manger ass was running around buying up land to drill. But even with an MBA from Harvard he blew. So he decided to run for congress with his families connections, he raised 40% more $ than his opponent but still lost :) So he went back to the oil business. In 1982 oil prices dropped far, so like a stupid ass, he became a drunk.

In 1985, when in his third month, Kerry went to Nicaragua to try and find peace between a Reagan backed revolutionary group. After actually being in a war and seeing death, he disobeyed the republican regime and found peace.

At the same time, Bush Sr. was in office. Bush Jr. decides to cash in on his Dad’ fame and helped the Texas rangers build a new stadium while pocketing 10 million.

Kerry argued against the war in Kuait on the senate floor he asked if any diplomatic outs could be achieved went on T.V. and spoke against war. I can’t handle this anymore yet I am still watching!!

How easily manipulated is our society, when half are backing Bush? All of a sudden another Bin Laden tape appears just as Bush redirects his whole campaign on fear. Trying to scare the people into voting for him. If the tape is real, I hope it does some good. In the tape he talks down on Bush saying that he told the government three times what he was going to do. He said that only a monster would let many people die. I know it sounds hypocritical, but I’ sure Bush knew this before han. It gave him access to the part of the world access to Iraq. That which his father couldn’t do Jr. tries and fails. I mean he had this huge deal about how the mission was “accomplished”? Where does he got off on that sh**! I am so sick right now.
Tomorrow the nation will vote. I hope the outcome is for the better. Jr. needs to go back to Texas!

This documentary on PBS’s “frontline” was just stating the facts and that’s all – stating the facts. It showed John Kerry speaking on the floor of the floor before he voted for the war. What he said gave me the chills. This man, I truly want as the leader of the country. I think he is an inspiration. I pray he wins. I don’t think our country can handle four more years of Jr. Bush. He is everything I hate about America.

On a lighter note, I got the answering brief back from the prosecutor’s office tonight. They have nothing! Granted I didn’t read anything, but their arguments- it’s all bullshit. I just now glanced at it. I don’t want to stress about it. If I read it I will just get depressed – so they have nothing :)

I love you my Mama and i miss you SO much! I wish I could just talk to you in person, but my slow had will have to do instead. I wish I could just talk and something would just write for me. Wouldn’t that be great?

I want to get out of here wearing a suit. I thought about it and that’s what I want to trade for these oranges. I want to wear a suit and tie and fancy shoes. The whole bit. I want to look snazzy as hell. I can’t wait for that day to come. I can’t wait to give you a hug –orange free.

It seems so hard for me to comprehend. I try and imagine freedom and I get over-whelmed. Impossible I tell myself. I don’t want to think about it. Sometimes my mind wanders back to county jail. I want to go so badly but I don’t want to leave my three meals a day for the horrible concoctions and pink undies. But when I get there I can call I think. Maybe I’ll be able to get a visit from Chris or my Dad. I wrote Patti and asked her to come when I go. I wrote the same thing to So-oh. That whole side of my family is brain dead. I swear when Patti writes it is usually nonsense, drunken scribbles. Despite the large print cussing. The majority is incoherent babble. But hey, beggars can’t be choosers and it’s the thought that counts anyways, right? :)

It’s now like 11:00am and I’m yawning. It’s cold as hell in here. They were supposed to shut off the air today, but the AC’s still breezing through the bars. Add to the fact that it is about 46 degrees outside. You’ll see me sleeping with my clothes on and a blanket and a coat on top of that. BRRRRR!

Saturday on “COPS” Spokane was there and they showed the city and these lame crimes. I was laughing hard! A cop pulled some kids over and they were smoking weed and they had some in the car. Instead of guns being pulled out on them and being beaten while being handcuffed – the cops just wrote the driver a ticket. A TICKET!!!! It was crazy. They drove away with a fine. WA is sweet!

You son,
Charlie

10-16-04

2008-11-23T22:49:00.000-08:00

Mama,

So, there are these two guys that were talking about Washington today. Mostly about the prison system, but they say it is beautiful up there. But it is not liked it’s the first time I have heard that before :).

I just got a letter from you the one with the volcano picture. I am kinda’ reminded of an old movie. Do you remember “Joe vs. the Volcano”? Funny :) Anyways, I hope you are safe here you are. I hope you feel better than you sounded in the letter. I pray for you on a daily basis. I wish I could do more – it will have to wait for now, sorry. But I know how strong you are, how wonderfully strong. I have been with you through hell and back and I am proud of everything you have done for the world. Don’t dismiss the past. You have changed the world for the better. And here you are in the year 2004, about to be 2005 – living in the future doing what you have wanted for the longest times. Don’t give up- you are so close to attaining what you have talked about for years. Trust me, you have been through worse. I can vouch for that! Don’t be afraid to take a little time off for yourself. I know how hard you work and personally think it is amazing! But that feeling of burn out will come to you if you don’t recharge the “Vern machine:. You can handle anything! I’ve seen you! Just remember that machines need to be oiled now and them. (Don’t be such a Taurus!) I am rooting for you and Jesse’s with you always and Christifer means well:)I’m proud of all that is you.

I got my approval for all the stuff today, well the T.V. at least. It should be here in 2-4 weeks, YEAH! I watched the last debate tonight. How funny to see Tempe on CNN. I wish I was out there for this. I would have been protesting my little ass off! There was a designated protest area, can you believe that?

The thinks that Bush was saying makes me sick! I want him to, not die, but maybe just… something really bad! I was disgusted by the way he thinks. His whole mentality is disgraceful to our nation. I mean with people like that in office no f***ing wonder terrorists all over the world want Americans dead! Talking about “Homeland Security”, yet we have over 8000 illegals crossing our borders every day? More civilians have died in this so called “war on terror” than our supposed “enemy” And how many of our troops? I can tell you it is not going to stop with capitalistic pigs in the office. I like Kerry because he’s not Bush. Yet they are 16th cousins, three times removed. They’re coming from the same gene pool! Kerry was in the Vietnam War and knows a pointless war- I am hoping! Sorry, I just want war mongers to stay in their stupid ass Texas!

I got my necklace back yesterday. So, I’m wearing it I’m happy about that. I also got to shave and clip my toe nails. I feel like a brand new man.

I had a bad Columbus day, too – Columbus HA! What a joke! Pathetic and then “Homie”, “Nato”, and “Hooda” are being screamed at precisely 10:00. I’ve been rudely awakened so many times, so I’ve created these ghetto little ear plugs. They work for me :)

Sorry about the anger but that Bush :( I love you Mama and hope you are re-energizing by now. I am going to ask you to have extra help tonight. – it will work! Just think this next year you will look back and laugh. One year this time in ’05.

Your loving son, Charlie

[Two additional letters were in the envelope with this letter]

Mama,

Hey I am bored and kinda’ lonely right now so I thought I should write to you. Plus I’m sick and you always make me feel better. It’s about 9:00 pm on a Wednesday night. I’m mad lonely though. I keep thinking about Sarah. That sux- there were all of these reminders of her all over the place today and it bites. Whenever I think of her, I am full of regrets. But I can’t change the past :( I’m trying to find a purpose for all of the regrets and all I can come up with is to know what not to do with the next girl. It doesn’t feel like that is it. I don’t want to dwell, so I’ll move on :(

I think I have some sort of co-dependency issues :)I can’t remember not having a sort of girlfriend since I was thirteen. And every one of those girls I cheated on! What does that say about me? Karma sux! :)I’m sorry :) I don’t mean to bring you into this. But it always makes me feel better when I talk to you:)

Oh mama, I hope to see you this weekend. I don’t want you to be sad or depressed if you can’t come and see me. Trust me, I’ll be sad enough for the both of us. But your meeting will go as planned and you can at least be happy about that and I will be happy for you too! In January I will definitely be able to see you and probably give you a hug. I understand how you feel around the holidays. I w---- well when I was free- went into hiding for the last one. At least in her it is just another day and no one waits to be reminded of the fact that it’s Christmas or New Year’s or Jesse’s B and D day. Sure all the Aquarius’ in your life will have a birthday. But here are too many painful reminders of hurt and death. At least you’re not the only one going through it. :) THE GLASS IS HALF FULL! –sure :)

I finally get to take a shower today! I completely understand why Chopper gets all happy after he takes a bath. You should have seen the smile on my face – Straight Cheese-I think I was actually prancing around :)

I loved your commune idea. How funny it sounds. I can just picture it in my head. I can see papa complaining the way he does, because Christifer has set up some sort of loud speaker system! HA!

And yes I KNOW Jesse hears our thoughts and can actually hear our voices. If you haven’t been in physical contact, I don’t think you could handle it yet. But I know he is with you, helping you, watching over you. (I send him :)) Jesse will always be a call away. Never forget that! I’m –ok and Monkey boy is trying to be a Dad. I’ll be out soon enough and will join you probably with Mom and Papa :)I love you unconditionally and always will! Don’t feel as though you could or should have done something to alter the present. All of this was meant to happen, whether we like it or not. And you know this! At least you have the all knowing Chopper!:) In another country people would worship that dog :)

Mom and Papa came and said that I get my per capita next month and would front me the money til then.(for a T.V.) I don’t know what is going on but I don’t want you to send me that much $ and have me getting the same from another source. So double check with them, okay? Thank you my Mama. :)

I really can’t wait for a T.V. or to smudge for that matter. I think it would help me get better. It might be a placebo- but psychosomatic is better than nothing at all. I love you my Mama. Never forget that! And of course I miss you. I am very proud of you. God be w/you!

Your son,
Charlie

Ms. Mama,

So it is Saturday nigh. I was going to go out to a club or something, but decided against it and thought I should write to you instead. I’m listening t some Mexican station and they’re plying some “Cubias”. I love that type of music. It’s fun kinda like salsa. Remember when we went ballroom dancing together? I had the prettiest partner in the whole place and made all of the guys jealous :)I have so many memories involving you, I could write a book and call it Ms. Mama. :)

So I got a letter from Erin. I was so happy! She sent me pictures of her and some friends and one of you. She sounds like she idolizes you. A little different but so made me so happy DO NOT TELL HER! She tells me you tell her all sorts of stuff about me. Just thinking of how you talk and how close she mad you two sound – I blushed!

She sounded so smart! I didn’t know how to respond. I actually wrote four letters and picked the best one and sent it. But I think I might have come off sounding crazy. But all of the four letters were all basically the same, just worded differently. So, I sent it, I’ll see.

I ordered all of my stuff yesterday, so I should get it soon. I can not wait. Thank you so much!
I still haven’t heard from Christifer or my Dad. I got a card from Jennie. Frank filled out the address part on the front, but I didn’t hear anything from him. I think he is afraid. What an a**hole! They make me so mad! But on a positive note I did get a letter from Patty.:) She was drunk though Most of the letters I get from her are like that. But I was happy regardless. Her daughter, Brianna drew a little picture of me in jail and is trying to say, well write that she loves me and misses me. I smiled it was very cute! I’ll write her back a letter. Or maybe I’ll draw her a picture or something. I don’t know.

I am in such a good mood. I read your letter for the fourth time – you make me smile and feel loved Ms. Mama! I am proud of you. Everyone who I introduce you to instantly likes you. I love showing you off. That Erin enjoys your company so much she filled a good three pages of her letter w/these happy times that you two had together and I must say I am jealous. You know out of everyone of her pictures, not one guy? All of her friends had short hair and it reminded me of hair school. I was looking at these girl’s hair and thought, “EWWW!” I wanted to reach in there and fix that mess on the tops of their heads! I can’t wait to go back to school and actually start making some money cutting hair. I sincerely can’t wait for the future. It feels so incredible. It’s like a n irritating ...c**k tease- sorry I didn’t mean to be nasty. I dream of wonderful sights and accomplishments. My cold days are over. I can actually feel the warmth to the future ahead of us. It is so bright, it is impossible to not feel it :) I usually start thinking like this at night time. And when I try and close my eyes and sleep I can’t. I dislike that part.

I’ll see you again real soon Mama. I am so proud of you. Thanks for being you and staying you.
Your loving son,
Charlie

10-28-04

2008-11-18T21:02:00.000-08:00

Mama,

Tonight I saw a movie that made me cry. How good it felt to do so. I felt so stupid doing it but good too. I have a mirror hooked up so I can spy on my neighbor’s T.V. and this guard walks by and tried to take it. I ripped it out of his hand and asked, “WTF he thought he was doing?” I must have looked crazy with tears in my eyes and anger in my voice, but he backed off. “Somersby” was the name, how sad.

So on a better note, I got a letter today and yesterday, well Saturday. I got a card from you and a letter. So I’m happy. I got chills reading your new one. How your words made me feel, it was uplifting to hear (read) you sounding so excited. It made me happy. I’m glad things are happening for you. I pray every night for you. It should be paying off. :) It’s getting better everyday in every way. Keep me posted on this! I love you.

So I can tell your prayers are working. I feel great! So it is only fair to get you feeling the same way. I heard form my lawyer yesterday and the state asked for another continuance. It was granted, but then her reply had to be submitted in by the 14th. So I am waiting to see what the judgment on it is. I should hear something soo. It’s the 18th or 19th , I’m not sure.

Today was my neighbor’s birthday, the one that wouldn’t stop talking until he had his T.V. Now he doesn’t talk that much. He is sad and touchy. I tried to cheer him up today. He is only 22 – sad. Anyway he rolled on the ground when he saw me rip the mirror out of the cop’s hand and yell at him while I was crying. So, at least he went to bed with a smile.

My other neighbor is now on the talking thing. He has a T.V. but says that it is boring. So instead he stands at the bars and stares at the wall and asks me all sorts of questions, like a toddler. :) He’s cool though. A little off, but cool.

The dude down at the end is dying of emphysema and is crazy as hell. He is the birthday boys neighbor. Then going down the row is the birthday boy , then me and then crazy.

Alright, I got side tracked- Sorry! I am getting tired, so I want to let you know that I love you and I am so proud of you! But alas, I am yawning, so I will talk with you tomorrow. Good night!

It’s tomorrow night; it’s kinda’ late. I saw another cheesy ass movie. Destiny and fate play a lot in love, don’t you think? I’m sitting here wondering what God has in store for me. All form some cheese! It was uplifting though. These people won 4 million and split it up with a waitress. They did all kinds of things together that made me smile. All of these random acts of kindness towards the masses. It was refreshing. They were good people, despite the horrible things put in there path. That has been a running theme in these movies lately- overcoming adversity. What a breath of fresh air! It put me in this extremely positive mood and despite the time, I had to share it with you.

I’m hoping all is well there in the land of apples. I am also hoping you can feel or sense my feelings. I’m sending you wonderful vibes as I write- Feel them! I’m sure you are asleep, but your dreams are important too! Dream beautifully tonight. I love you Mama.

So I got all these books form the library, which is actually only three. I read up on this guy –Edgar Cayce. He was just some guy that could put himself into some trance and tap into this thing Carl Jung refers to as the “collective consciousness”. So Edgar mad all of these prophecies. He could diagnosis people’s illnesses miles away. He could speak any language and answer any question. He went to the White houses twice. At one point in time, there was a hospital built were the doctors diagnosed according to him.

Years ago, I stole a library book called, ”The Hopi survival kit”. In the book, in a completely different everything, there his name, Edgar Cayce, pops up. So I figure it is fate showing me that I am on the right track.

This book is crazy it talks about the Hopi prophecies received B.C. It is carved in stone before the ten commandments. The book is written by a Lutheran minister who compares the bringer of the message to Jesus. He insinuates that they are the same person or entity. I haven’t finished it yet. I’m about half way done with it – Crazy. I’ve been reading up on Tewa’s too. They were fierce warriors who the Hopi asked to come and live with them for protection. When they came, the Hopis’ wanted to see if they would fight. so they called the --------{I can’t read this word}- to fight. The Tewas killed them all except for three and let them tell there people to never come back. The Tewa and Hopi met in a field. The Hopi chewed some corn and had the Tewa eat it to signify that they would learn the language. Then the Tewa chewed some sweet corn and then spit it out. And never taught the Hopi, Tewa. Even now the Hopi can’t speak Tewa and speak to each other only in Tewa. Some Navajo’s can speak it . But a true Hopi can’t. I thought that was cool That and my stupid cheesy chick flicks (one that made me cry) :)

I hope all is well for you. Continue to be yourself and nothing can stop you. I believe in you as always. I will continue to pray for you. I am proud of you and every letter I get more so.

Jesse’s with you ‘cause I send him! All my angels watch over you including him.
I am sending you a picture I drew. I hope you like it. He’s a soy-yo-ko Monster that eats bad children. So if a kid acts bad a soy-yo-ko will get ‘em.

I love you my Mother.
Your son, All the love, Charlie

Tell Mitch I said, “What’s up?” ( I got that picture of him and chopper staring at the wall- Shit cracks me up!)

[The next letter was in the same envelope as the first]

Mama,

Tonight the moon is red. The last time I saw the moon turn red. I came in here. This morning, I saw a full moon and tonight there is blood on the moon. I have dreamt and woke up speaking this phrase, “Blood is on the moon”. I am wondering the significance. As I see 12:00 midnight appear across the screen and I think how weird it is. I have never noticed them doing that before. As it gives me more to ponder, my mind drifts towards the up and coming election and the world series. I sat and cheered for a losing St. Louis.

On the world news tonight I saw that Peter Jennings was doing a piece on the last Navajo Code Talker alive and how John Kerry had him bless his campaign and his podium. The screen flashed up to an elderly Indian smudging towards the four directions blessing John Kerry. Peter Jennings said the man did the same thing for the Red Sox on there first game this season. I am praying this man takes office and takes the Texas mentality out of the White House. There is nothing worse than our nation supporting ignorance. Now Bush’s angle is to scare people into voting for him? Just one more reason I hate anything “cowboy” related.

John Kerry had the “T.O. singers” sing the national anthem in O’Odham during the democratic convention. This is a man I want in office. He wouldn’t be my first choice in a situation with more candidates. But he is the lesser of two evil. And now I see that the moon has turned red and I feel the forces of good and evil battling on our Mother Earth. I can feel something!!! I will pray that they would makes a turn to the better while I sleep.

The worst is over. I have this feeling of relief in my shoulders. As I saw 12:00 come across the screen, the sense of euphoria entered my brain. I want the world to heal. I saw a segment on the news, where Russia entered into an accord to cut down on greenhouse gases. Kyoto- something and us are the only major country not to go along with these guidelines. I’m sure you already know, I hate this man Bush!!

I wonder how much longer this so called war on terror is going to last. The longer we are over seas, bombing and killing, we are only creating more terrorists. And the “cowboys” in Washington justify it, hiding behind democracy. Murder is not the solution to anything. If another government cam over and took our own dictator, Bush, out of power and had there Armies on our street with tanks and guns murdering innocent people- We too would become terrorists! So called insurgents- like we would not do everything we could do in our power to destroy all that they stood for!

Sorry. It’s is just that I am surrounded by stupidity every day. And our so called leader is so full of Texas shit and to so that so far half of the population supports the the retardation of our society! AHHHH!!!! God help the World.

I just looked out behind the bars and got scared :)The guard walked by and scared the shit out of me :) It’s scary in here at midnight :)
So the world is better and worse everyday. I’m glad you are on the good side of things. :) I didn’t mean to vent on you and I wonder how you feel about all of this. It is just so f***ing frustrating 21st century idiots. I swear half and half- the world has balanced itself tonight.
Half the world is sleeping while the rest are aware, Destiny will come regardless. I just hope it is for the better.

I love you my Mama. I wish I could give you a hug :) Today I had a craving for some of your baked buns, hot right out of the oven. I love that bread! I miss bread made into tuna fish sandwiches. I crave it! Bomb ass shit! :)

So they won’t let me have any of my smudging stuff without a lighter. But they don’t sell them. So how am I supposed to get one? I wrote these stupid Chaplin asking for one. I can not believe that though. It has to be some sort of discrimination. I’m sure if I had a Bible, they wouldn’t deny me access simply because I didn’t have communion. Oh no, that would be wrong.

So I have been recharging my aura. I’m utilizing the white light, all over my body, head to toe. It works. But when I saw John Kerry smudging tonight, I admit I was jealous. :) I will pray for him and his cause.

I love you Mama and hope you are continuing young, strong and positive thoughts. I love you very much and am so proud of you and have and will accomplish (and fed?):)

Thank you for all of your guidance and support. You might not see yourself as the go getter person, but you are the all knowing problem solver. You have always been the people fixer and helper. The people who come in contact with you through out your days are forever changed for the better. You might not realize it, but us boys were brought up that way; to see the effect you as a person can help the over all good of the world.

I am sure you feel my frustration!

Your son,
mad love,

Charlie

[This page had “Old yet new” written on the top of it and was placed in the envelope with the other letters.]

I am now listening to some abstract sounds. It’s kind of soothing though. It reminds me of someone playing with a synthesizer, after they’re shown where the P.C.F. is. :) I don’t mind it though, I love an echo! I think people in general love a good echo where there is one to grasp. Imagine standing on the edge of a huge canyon. Are you not going to yell? I mean the sound of reverberation is hard to come by in our every day lives. I love it! The person who made this track does. Does. Does. Does. :)

Oh I guess it was some “new age Indian” music HA! How stupid :) So I was listening to this 3 hour ska punk show earlier and the dude played like five songs. I know…big deal, right? It was five songs sent in from prison “cell block rock”. How funny, and the guy who sent it in is here – somewhere. So I wrote down the address and am also going to request some songs from prison! I am so excited!!

Alright that is over. I’m changing the stations. Oh TOOL!! It’s old school too – 1993!

So, today we were going to rec and on the run above me a dude cam out swinging! When I heard that I was trying to picture it but couldn’t. I mean, they handcuff us anytime we leave the sell. So, how can he come out like that? Anyhow, I was never taken to rec. They locked us down HA! I mean we’re in our cells 24- well we go to rec. for 3 hours. We get a shower for 15 minutes every other day. So, we don’t go outside to these little cages and 4:30 and we’re all of a sudden “locked down” – Please!!! It made me laugh. But I’m getting soooooo tired of bathing in a sink! Ha! But complaining doesn’t solve anything. HA! “lockdown”!!

I love you my mama. Give Chopper a big hug for me!

[Along with the other letters had drew an abstract drawing for me. And around it he wrote this]

The Devil takes on many forms – all shapes and sizes. He can look like Bush or Kerry :) Evil is evil, refocus and see him all around, inside and out. How funny that person who is supposedly fighting “the war on terror” is using terror tactics to gain votes. Showing terrorists as wolves- yet Bush is the leader of the pack. Put the dog to sleep – please!!:)
Happy Halloweeny! Boo!
Charlie
Alright enough of that political sh**!

10/07/04

2008-11-12T21:42:00.000-08:00

Mama,
Hey lady, I got a letter from you sent to me on Aug. 31st! I t took about 17 days to come over here. It was nice to get an old letter. It was new to me anyway.

I’m going through the emotions today. I just have so much stored energy. I feel anxious. Being in this cage sucks. Today they had the door open so I could smell outside and feel the air. It was torture. Then I tried to order some store and the damn people f***ed up the somehow and said that I didn’t have any money. I only spent $4.35 last week and I started of with $23.61. And I have a receipt leaving me with 19.26. That’s what I had last week left over. But now nothing. The f***ing cop showed me a print out and I don’t know WTF. Anyway, it pissed me off because I don’t have anything to eat and I can’t talk to anyone about it except this Florence born, hillbilly hick. AHHH!!! I want to scream and scream again! But, I think I’ll just try and talk to a sergeant or captain. They’re really annoying over here. No one ever really comes over here so that I can’t really complain effectively to anyone with authority. I sent my laundry out last week and never got it back because I didn’t have my cell number on it. So I have one pair of pants, a pair of boxers and a shirt. Oh how I miss the 4 yard! :) I just need a cigarette! :) They shut my hot water off, so no coffee or tea. Well, that’s not true. I ask my neighbor for some hot water.

I’m just going through the emotions, so please forgive my ranting. It could always be worse (knock on wood). I love you so much Mama. You make mail worthwhile. Your letter was so uplifting. I am extremely happy to hear your positive outlook on life. And you are completely right that your whole life has prepared you for this. I am proud of you! I hope to see you next weekend :) I recruited my neighbor to help me get the phone next Friday [I have it on Thursdays]. I hope I will be able to talk to you and God willing – I’ll be able to see you as well. I am going to pray about it tonight. I will ask Jesse for some help on it!

I want some sharp pencils. I have pens but they suck! I drew this pow-wow dude. He looks cool. I can’t do faces that well, but I managed. I also drew “the devil”. I drew him very abstract. Thought ht whole thing is that the devil comes in all shapes and sizes. Know what I mean? I showed my neighbor the one that thinks I’m crazy and the other that is!

It’s kind late. It is silent in here and dark. It is just about roach time! EW! I think subconsciously I know they come in the dark. That is the only reason I stay up late. I swear the only cell with a light on in the whole building- out of 120 cells – mine is the only one with the light on.

One good thing about down – well up here is I can get some Tucson and Phoenix stations. The edge is an independent radio station now (phx.) And they play cool music and have a ska punk show every night. Well, when you get down here we’ll listen to it, okay?

I’ll probably write you tomorrow. I can’t stay up too late. The animals wake at 10:00 sharp. But this morning @4:00am they said rec. I was like, “it’s dark!” So, I went to sleep. Then at around 7:00, the maintenance workers were pounding away at a cell. They were grinding and welding shit too! I made some ear plugs earlier though. I’m prepared! :)

Black Dude gets his t.v. hopefully tomorrow. I can hold my mirror out and kinda’ see it. So that’s cool, something to look forward to. – THE GLASS IS HALF FULL! I repeat this daily :) It’s a good reminder to get my mind right. Not to get angry or frustrated, but just take it as it is – is the pure fact and learn to make it HALF FULL : Cheesy!

I have an order form for some tapes. They’re prison ready. If you can get them for me, it would make you my idol – a straight Icon Mama! :) But it has bjork the Album iwant. Maybe you could get it for me on “convicted son’s day”! You know it’s coming up soon. :)

I am excited to see you and hear you or even hear your voice. It’s been a long time! Can you go- when you see Jesse, will you tell him that I love him? And make sure his grave is nice and clean and nice? I miss that little guy. It got to me today. It felt good to release some of that yuck, you know?

I’ll talk more tomorrow….good night…….ZZZZZZzzzzzzz……what, what, who, where? Oh it’s you! Whew! I thought the roaches had formed an army against me!  I was going to general Custer their asses! HA! I’m glad to have some sleep even though my dreams are bizarre and complex. I don’t even have the energy to explain.

My neighbor got his t.v. today. I can kinda’ see it, so that’s cool. But he watches soap operas – cheesy! I don’t understand a big black dud watching that kind of programming. :) I remember one summer getting caught up in General Hospital with you. :) But I’m not about to admit to that any time soon!

It’s a Friday. So by the time I send this out you will probably be down here- hmmmm. Guess I’ll write Mom and Papa and have a letter from me over there for you. Just in case you can’t see me and I can’t get through on the phone. I wish I was out there to meet you at the airport.

Anyway, I love you very much and am extremely proud of everything that you have ever done. You are incredibly strong and your intelligence gives me insight into every day occurrences. You are my mother and my friend. God shed some light on me when I was born to you.

Your son,
Charlie

[This next letter was in the same envelope as the previous one]

Mama,

Hey lady! I received your letter today. Why all the stamps??? Any way it was actually around midnight last night, the 2nd shift cops didn’t pass out mail ‘til way late. I couldn’t go to sleep though and I could figure out why. I was just combing my hair and when I looked in the trap and I had your letter there magically! I was like, “Oh that’s why!” :)

The pictures are beautiful! My black neighbor is jealous. Why does everyone think you are my girlfriend? It must be those good looks you blessed me with!

This morning I was awakened to be handcuffed for an exterminator. The chick cop pulled a taser out on me! I saw the laser guided aim at the wall by my head. I was like, “I won’t hurt you. I’m unarmed and asleep”. I was pissed and turned around and looked at her and when I met her eyes with mine, she was shocked or something. He started apologizing all over herself. I don’t know what made that turn around in her attitude, but it made me feel powerful :) I’m going to make eye contact more often with these cops. Any way the roaches came out of everywhere. They all started running towards the door. Well, that cop with taser was kind of by the door. She started screaming and tased herself in the foot! The cops all around her tackled me. I was screaming, “WTF!” They through me into the cell. The girl cop was getting tased over and over again. Everyone on the block was screaming and banging on the bars. She was looking at me and when our eyes met I said, “don’t pull the trigger” and she just stopped. The rest of the cops took her out and left me handcuffed for an hour. They came back and were looking in my cell for I guess voodoo paraphernalia. Because they wanted to look at my tattoos and made a big out of the sun I have on my leg. It was a trip. I just went back to sleep. Crazy.

I’ve had a cold off and on since I got here. I think it is the outside being breezed in through the back. It’s just wide open. Crazy. I hope to get a T.V. soon. I’m so bored and cold too. I’m either cold or hot. You know what I mean? I put some socks on. That’s better.

I’ve been watching my neighbors T.V. But he’s black and is always watching BET. Yesterday he had me watching “Soul Food”. So black every damn black rap video – he’s dancing and doing his black thing. So stupid I can’t take any more so I’m not watching anymore.

I talked to my CO III and he’s going to get my $ back – YAY! So, I will get some food next week, cool. I’ve been getting food from the black dude. He’s cool though. He has stopped talking so much now that he has a T.V., which is also cool. I hate the Mexican looking mustache I have going on. I don’t mind the goatee so much though.

I’m going to put in for the doctor. I don’t feel good. I want to sleep, but these animals are so loud! I miss you Mama. I’ll see you hopefully this weekend. At least I hope to be able to talk to you. That would make my year. It’s been a long time since I’ve been able to talk to you. I miss you.

I hope to get some more mail, from anyone soon! It makes my day in a place like this. Having your day made is the only thing worth shooting for, especially when you’re sick.

Take care of yourself Mama and I’m praying for you and your meeting. It will work out for the positive. I’m very proud of you and all that you have accomplished.

Your loving son,
Charlie.

9-9-04

2008-10-31T19:08:00.000-07:00

Mama,

I don’t know what happened, but it is good and bad. I got a letter from my lawyer on Thursday and it was good news. She added a new point to my appeal. Plus, she reran my old appeal with a more direct approach. It got more to the point and made more of a deal with rephrasing. So I was all happy. In Washington State, there was a case where this guy Blakley went to trial. The jury convicted him but the judge aggravated his and gave him some extra time, like ten years or something. His lawyer took it to the Supreme court and the supreme court ruled that it was unconstitutional to be sentenced by a judge if a jury convicted you. If a jury convicts you, the jury has to sentence you. So, she added that to my appeal. She also rephrased the Arizona points to make it, well to me more dramatic, which is mad cool.

So that is real good, right? So, I get to Rincon and that same night they tell me to rollup I’m leaving the yard. I wasn’t really concerned where I was going because of my lawyer. Well they had reclassed me to S.M.U. like four months ago. But my old cellie talked to dude. Well, central over rode it and I’m over here not at SMU, but in the walls in Florence. This is Maximum security prison and it is fucking crazy here!

When I got here there was all this commotion on out in the yard. All these dudes dressed up in riot gear were marching around. There was a riot in progress. I guess it had been going on since the day before. But when I say riot, we’re not allowed out of the cell for one hour every other day. So, all of these guys are stuck in their cells and they’re burning shit and throwing whatever at the cops. Just madness. They had just got it under control when I got here. So, whenever you are out on the yard, you’re handcuffed. There are thirteen gun towers around. Death row is behind us. It’s just nasty over here. There are roaches everywhere. It smells like piss. Everything is burnt, so that is bad, right?

We’ve been on restriction all weekend. I wasn’t allowed to have my property. I bought some paper from the store today. I wanted to write you and let you know what’s up.
The cells are single man, but very small. I can touch both wall at the same time, sideways.
It is about double the size length way. But I need a T.V. Please send me some $ for one. Black and white are only $94.70. Color costs $192.00 I don’t want to beg, but I’m going to anyways, PLEASE!!!!! :)

It takes two years to get out of here. I’m already felling claustrophobic. Oh yeah, they won’t let me have hard back books. So, if you want to send me some more, make sure they are paper back. Can you contact Maxim and have my subscription changed over to here? I’m sorry my handwriting is funny. They won’t let us have regular pens- only the inside of a pen. I want to save my pencil to draw with.

We’re supposed to get our property back today. I can’t wait to get it back. What I had is precious to me! We should, I don’t know though. I’m going to buy a radio with that other $ you sent me. But everyone says that it doesn’t pick anything up. I just want a tape player, mines broken.

They make strings out of sheets and swing stuff all around, from one cell to another. It is crazy over here. All of the CO’s wear shank vests and neck guards. Before I leave the cell, I have to cuff up and walk backwards out of the cell. Then to take a shower, I get locked in there and then I get the cuffs off of me. It is crazy! There’s all of these guys doing life sentences.

One good thing, I quit smoking. I snuck a bunch of tobacco in her. But I passed it out and smoked it . I quit now though, cold turkey  So, there’s always a positive.

I tried to call Mom and Papa but they were not home. They were talking about going up to Matt’s for a couple of months. They might have gone already. I’m going to write everyone I wrote before and let them know what’s up. It sucks over here. There are these piasas up here and the Chicanos and the whites teamed up together against the Piasas. This Piasa on the other end was going to the shower. The dude was walking, then all of a sudden soap was flying from every direction at him. Then someone screamed, “Air support!” And all of this sick mixture of grease, urine and sugar boiled, came flying down. The Piasa was hit and went down. That stuff will melt your skin. The cop that was walking with him got hit too. It just kept coming all of these cops ran in with these shields and grabbed the hit cop and left the paisa wriggling around in agony, while people kept pounding him with all sorts of projectiles. I felt so bad for the little wet back. Finally after like 5 minutes of this blood curdling screaming, they came in and got him. This place is no joke. I wish I had a T.v. to drown all the chaos out -  Seriously, I am alright. I won’t have anything happen to me like that. I broke all the races off with tobacco. So, I’m all right.

I miss you very much. I’m sorry I am here. I wish I could talk to you or anyone for that matter. I’ve been talking out of the bars with my neighbor. He’s cool. Some black kid, he is my age. He has ten years for man slaughter and robbery.

I’ll write you again when I get my property. It should be coming down here soon 0 I hope! I’m going to show off my pictures to dude next door. I hope to hear from you soon. I’m going to send everyone my address. Please think about the T.V.
and my sanity.

Love, Charlie

{ this letter was sent along with the other one.]
Mama,

Hey! They still haven’t sent my property over here. But I figure it will come soon enough. I’m bore – real bored. I’ve cleaned my cell like five times today. I’ve come to the conclusion that it can never feel actually clean. This building was built in 1932 and it is dirty as hell! EW!!!

They have a booklet with all the books you can check out. I’m going to check out a couple whenever I can. I am sooooo bored. My body is craving a cigarette sooo bad! I want to scream. Oh well, I’ll get over it. I hope! :)

They’re not passing out anymore property tonight, which sucks cause I wanted to send out this letter in the morning. Maybe they will do it tomorrow. They took away the batteries so I don’t know how I am supposed to listen. That sucks. Last time they took them away it was for 3 months. I guess like 8 CO’s were injured during the riot with batteries.

I don’t know why my life is plagued with shit like this, but I’ve learned to accept it as a given. The happy with the sad- the good with the bad.

I had and keep having de javous all the time. It is crazy! I’ve dreamt this all before. But I do different things than in my dreams. Like when I first got here, they put me in the shower for like five hours. I slept in the shower in my dream. I slept on the floor in my reality – but my head in my lap in the dream. I don’t want to say about other things I remember because I might just jinx it. In county, I jinxed myself, I think. So, I’m just going to be quiet about it. But it is good. I hope!

I miss you Mama. I wish I was outside. I’m kinda scared about my future. Not really scared, more like worried about it. I want to do good. I hope I have the chance to make you proud of me.

It’s pretty late now, about 10:00 pm. You have to be quiet from 10 to 10. It’s like the golden rule of prison. My sink has been acting up. It just starts shooting water out all fast like someone is pushing on it. It is going to be really annoying when I’m trying to go to sleep. I’m drinking tea right now. I get some tea and coffee sent to me with breakfast in bed. That is one good thing about lock down. At ten in the morning it is loud in here. But right before that it is quiet like a church. You always know when it is 10:00 caused people start yelling at each other all loud. I’m going to make some ear plugs tonight so I can sleep in tomorrow. Hopefully, I’ll get my property tomorrow and I can get this sent out.

We have rec. tomorrow. I wonder how they’re going to do it. They have to take us out one by one out to the cage. We can smudge out there, but I need to buy all of the stuff. I need a feather eagle $10.00, cedar $2.35, red willow $3.20, sage $3.20, sweet grass $3.20 and an abalone shell $10.00 I like to smudge. I can feel my aura being replenished by the smoke. It all smells so good too. When I get out, I want to smudge Jesse’s grave and my daughter Cierra. I want to sing them all the songs that I’ve learned and sit and talk with them. It will happen. I can wait. I pray for them every day. I ask God to watch over all of you. I’m sure he hears me.

I get to take a shower tomorrow. I understand why Chopper gets all happy after a bath now. :) It makes my day not only am I going out to rec. but I get to bathe and get my property. I have good things to look forward to . I miss you….

I’ll finishing writing you tomorrow. I’m going to try and get some sleep. I have a big day ahead of me tomorrow! :) Charlie

[This letter was enclosed with the other two]

Mama,

I’ve gotten all of my property and showed all of my pictures. We went to rec. earlier that was cool. But we just went form a cell to a cage. I got to go outside at least, that’s cool. I got my mirror back and I’m a beast! I need a shave, but we’re not allowed razors in her. I haven’t shaved in 5 days. The Irish in me is coming out. Hair grows a lot thicker on my right side than on my left. I’m going to wait til they get longer and just pull them out. :)

I miss you Mama. I got your postcards from the day – well night that I had left from over there. Those places look beautiful.

People scream at each other day in and day out over here. I want them to shut up – f***ing animals I swear!

I’m going to send this out in the morning. I hope it gets there soon. I haven’t had any mail in a while. So, please send me a reply back soon. I’m going to put in for a radio now so that I’ll get it. This Piasa down here has some batteries I can use. Hopefully I can drown out this noise.

One good thing about not smoking my complexion is a lot clearer. It’s a painful experience though. I wouldn’t recommend it. My white neighbor is a psycho. I don’t think he is all there. He’ll ask me something. Then walk away from where I am and forget he’s talking to me. Strange- he has natural life. I guess too much time or something. I’m going to send everyone a letter today. Well, at least I will write them. I’ll send it out in the morning.

I miss you. I have a picture of you in High school. Mom sent it to me. I have it along with a big picture they sent me of you. That was there favorite one. I like the one where you are getting ready for work. You look more natural, more like yourself.

God, I am having de javous too damn much I’m expecting something to happen. I wonder if it is going to be good or bad? Probably both :)

There are so many roaches in her. I keep killing them. I hope killing roaches isn’t bad karma. If they’re reincarnated people, they were probably shitty any how. And they deserve to get crushed beneath a wad of toilet paper. If I wasn’t meant to kill them, I’m sure God would find a way to stop me, I’m sure. :)

I feel complete right now, just like I am whole. I feel like I am capable of anything. This is a strange place to be feeling that. Both of my ears are pierced. My hair is long. I feel more muscular. I feel a lot stronger. Mind, body and soul than I did a year ago. Maybe that’s what this is all about. Conditioning me for my future. I want to make you proud of me. The way I am proud of you.

Man, I love tea! Brewed not the tea flavored stuff. I mean real brewed tea. Black dude next to me broke out with some ice. So, not only is it tea, but yep, “iced tea”.

I wish I had a picture of me in this dirty ass cell. If I had one, I would look at it when I’m free and remember what not to do. It would help me I think to stay straight when I am free. Like a painful reminder of what could happen.

I promise not to let you down my mama. I will make the world know who I am in a positive manner and in a healthy way. Every day I am getting better and better in every way. I miss you very much. I wish I could get one of those hugs form you. I hope to hear from you soon.

All of my love,
Your son, Charlie

9-1-04

2008-10-19T19:06:00.000-07:00

Mama,

Hey Lady! I’ve received the reply from the state. It really bummed me out. I don’t know what to think. I wrote my lawyer pointing out the flaws in their rebuttal. I also thought if she thought there was a chance. It’s good to at least hear something on the case. It’s up to the judge anyway. So I’ll just pray for something positive. It’s out of my hands anyway.

I received your books- the dictionary thesaurus, the life of Pi – that book cracked me up. I ordered a new radio with that $, thanks. I called Mom and Pap a while back. They’re doing alright. I wrote Christifer. I don’t expect to hear anything back though. My cellie ordered a t.v. the same day that I ordered a new radio, so we should get them in about a month. I’m really bored and restless right now. It’s a Saturday about 9:00. I was thinking about going to a club tonight, but I decided to stay home and write you a letter. :) I haven’t got any mail. That is so depressing. I feel like my life is revolved around letters. How pathetic! I got put on a couple websites. One is for incarcerated Indians and the other I can send drawings to and snag me a penpal. My cellie is in the same position I am in. He just sent #160 to feed the children just so he can get mail! We got a list of chics who want to write, but they’re all scary looking. It’s amazing how entertained we are with just a radio. I rarely get bored. He keeps me in good spirits.

I wrote Mom and Papa a couple of days ago. I drew Mom a picture of a clown. I really liked that one. I hope she does too.

I talked to a dude on the labor pool. He said he is going to get me on. Fun in the sun. It is the closest to being free you can get on the yard. Plus I get to see everybody. That’s cool, A sweet .35 an hour! :)

The other day I dreamt of a levitating gyro. Once it started in motion it kept going. The cool part about it is that it holds a steel ball in the middle which just levitates. It’s using the positive and negative parts of a magnet. The force it makes off of each other keeps it going. The ball looked cool. The structure would have to be of non-magnetic – maybe aluminum or wood. I tried to look it up but alas- no luck.:)

Did you give Erin a big hug? She probably needed one. I don’t think she will write but that’s alright. I hope someone responds from the website. Maybe Christifer will write. My Dad could too.

Stupid! My cellie just put slat on his tooth paste. He calls it prison bright. He says it’s “old school”. :)
Sorry I ain’t got a lot to write about. Just not much happens in an 8’-10’ cell. I’m looking forward to tomorrow. We’re going to sweat and sing. I like being out there from 8:30 to 2:30. There is the bad ass song we’re learning. It sounds so good. Everyone gets into it. The sound of the drum and the screaming of the lung!:)

I always look forward to Sundays. It helps my time go by to have something to count on that makes you happy. Everybody smiles and jokes! But we also pray together. It feels more real than if I went to Catholic services, in here. I hope God can hear my prayers.

I love you Mama. I can’t wait to hear from you again. It will be a good day when I get to see your face again. I miss you. I hope you are not working too hard. Tell everyone I said, “Hi.” Give Chopper a hug for me. I miss that dog.

Oh before I forget, could you make some copies of the pictures I sent. I want to put them up on the website. Thanks!

I love you Mama. Your loving son,
Charlie

[There were two letter in the same envelope]

Mama,
It’s Sunday night. I’m all torn up. I went to sweat at 8:00 am and got out at 3:00pm. I crashed out and didn’t go to eat. I’m tired but can’t sleep anymore. You ever get like that? I hate being like that.

I pierced my ears today. It didn’t really hurt and there was no blood. We used cactus needles. This on guy, did his ears three times, and an eyebrow. I tried to convince him to do his septum, but no success. That’s as exciting as my day was. There were some Mexicans fighting on the rec field. But they were mostly just wrestling each other – lame. This stupid kid, that is running with the Diné now. He tried to tell me “we” don’t wear our pants like “niggers”. He got all up in my face. I asked him, “ Who the f*** are you to tell me what to do? You are not my head and if you were I would leave the yard. So save your power trip for someone else.” I just walked away from him. I was on the yard 3 months before this fat kid came and now he is trying to tell me what “we” do – stupid! I’m going to talk to the head tomorrow and let him know this guy is out of line. I had to do everything to stop form hitting him. I’m still brewing if you can tell.:) But f*** him. He’s going to catch a train wreck.

I’m sorry it’s just that I had such a good day until… I hope I get some mail tomorrow. Ihate Sundays- no chance of mail. 

I’m listening to all of these up and coming bands. Some are cool, other’s aren’t. It breaks up the routine when I get to hear different music than other everyday jams.

I’ve got that substance abuse class tomorrow. I’m going to write Christifer after this. I was reading the Rolling Stone and I read an article of this dude that reminded me of Christifer. He made a program called win-amp plus other services gnutella. AOL offered him 100 million dollars for the rights to the program and also a job developing newer versions to be marketed. So while working for AOL- getting a salary of $50 Million a year, he was putting together all of these file sharing programs. But once he had uploaded the program online AOL found out and told him to take it off. But once it was up loaded for only hour, the file had already downloaded more than 100x. That’ how all kinds of file sharing got out there. AOL was watching him real close. All of these hackers were calling him a “sellout”. So he developed another program where it was like a private chat room (involving a password) file sharing. The FCC had a field day and demanded him to take it off line. So he did. He was only on for like 30 minutes. It was downloaded like 300x. He quit AOL and now at the ripe old age of 25, he just develops shareware and is a consultant for Roxio –sooooo Christifer. He was a $100 millionaire by the time he was 19. When he was a kid, he would sit and tear apart machines, vacuums and computers “Just to see how they worked”. Remind you of anyone? And guess where he grew up? Sedona:)

I’m going to send it to monkey boy along with a cynical Thank-you card. I think I will address it to Dara. Try and get some results. I miss him.

Well, Mrs. Mama. I think I will get to it. Tell Mitch I said to check out a band called “skin dread” and another one “the used”. He probably already know of them though. Tell him I said, “What’s up?”

I miss you Mama. I prayed hard for you today. Stay strong- stay you. I’m coming home soon, okay? Try and get Martin’s address, okay? I want to send him some stuff. I love you very much. You loving son,
Charlie
P.S. He is a stoic Indian!

8-30-04 - not sure of date, lost envelope

2008-10-13T10:42:00.000-07:00

Mama,

Hey Mama, I’ve gotten three packets form you in the past three days. How weird is that? :)

I’m doing alright. Sorry that you are feeling down and outa’ sorts. I’ll pray for you. I did what you asked and wrote Erin. I didn’t know what to write, but I put words on paper. It just feels weird.  Yes. I’m still in the programs. I went to AA today. I’m not learning anything, but it will look good for court. I haven’t heard anything from the lawyer in a while. But any day now, I should hear something.

I’m doing alright keeping my spirits up. I was doing pretty shitty there for a while. But there’s reason for everything and everything is positive! Remember that! I hope you take your own medicine its good stuff!

I sent you a picture of me wearing the latest in fashion. I swear it seems like everyone these days are wearing orange! Hope you like it. I told you I have a new cellie he’s cool. A big mother ____. He’s like 6 ft. something. He’s half black and half Pima [Indian]. His arms are the size of my legs. He’s cool and has my back. He ordered a T.V. but we bullshit a lot and read. He likes reggae and digs my D&B; he appreciates it. There’s this Pima guy who is also teaching me the language which is also cool. Right now we’re listening to a reggae show on the radio. I told him about it and he got all excited.

It’s about 10:00 at night and I’m all sore. We were working out at rec. today. When I was going to A.A., it started to rain really hard like someone was spraying me with a hose. I love rain…. I miss her. I wish I could hold her again. I was waiting for the day that I could hold her again. I was waiting for the day that she would call me Daddy. I was waiting for a lot of things.

I’m still pretty torn up about it. but I try to think of different things. We’re having a medicine man come Friday. That will be good. I haven’t talked to anybody about it. I pray hard. I sigh when the pain comes.

I miss you Mama. I sent you a visitation form. I think I’m going to talk to the Chaplin and ask to call you. He’ll probably say yes. I’ll do that tomorrow. I hope I can talk to you.

I love you Mama and I want you to stay positive. Try not to be paranoid, but if your gut tells you something, listen to it, ‘kay? I’m doing yoga still and need to devote more time to it though. When I’m free, I’ll be a buff, tan, yoga master.  What do you think? Sound good? :)

My cellie left me his colored pencils and I drew a Kachina (long hair). I hope you like it. I got a book out at the library on Hopi Kachinas. I was I had a better one. The drawings are shitty in the book. Next time you send a book, can it be Hopi? If you find one on the language that would be dope too.

My hair is getting long. I can’t munch on food unless my hair is tied back. It’s real healthy too. I’m proud of it.

I’m reading these books on the occult and another one with weird stories and strange happenings. I like it. It’s cool. I’m drawing these other ones too. They’re all going to the player. I’m drawing this tattoo for my head--- the head of the Dine brothers. He’s going to get it tattooed on him. That’s flattering :). I’m mad lazy though. I need to write Patty and Maggie, but I haven’t.
They wrote me but I haven’t sent anything back and Mom and Papa too. I’ve got time :).

I love you Mama. Keep the letters coming. I love getting mail from you. I really value what you have to say and I appreciate your love. I need it along with your kind words. You give me hope and keep me in line. I wish I could see you though. But it will come in time. It will be a wonderful day when I can hold my Mama again. 

Have you heard from Christifer? What an asshole. I’m so mad! At first, I was hurt, but it turned to anger. Now I miss him so much but he doesn’t want to get hold of me – F*** him! :{ Tell Mitch, “Stay cool.” Pet Chopper, feed the cat and get some rest. Re-energize yourself – mind, body and spirit.

Jesse is with Cierra, my little rain. I strongly believe that. I’m sure she is safe. She’ll come back. It probably wasn’t safe for her there. Lacey probably needed to learn.

I’m going to have two girls. The first one I am naming Rain and the second LaVerne :). I hope I can have a little boy. I’ll name him Jesse if God allows it :)

I love you Mama. Don’t worry about Pearl Jam (our cat that passed) either. Jesse’s with him. I’ve seen it in my mind I love you and miss you. Don’t ever forget that. Tell Mitch. “Wazzzzup?” Tell Monkey boy he’s an asshole!
Much love!

Your son, Charlie

8-25-04

2008-10-05T12:25:00.001-07:00

Mama,

Hey, I got your letter today. I came back from dinner. I saw it on my bed. I was so happy. I have sent you two. I’m not being lazy anymore. I don’t have a T.V. So I get really bored if I don’t do something productive. I can read a 500 page book in half a day. So, I go through books with surprising speed. Thanks:) Anyway, I started to do the exercises in the millionaire course. It’s cool and makes me think about my future, my goals and where I want to be in life. After I did a couple of exercises, I had a better picture of my ideal life farther on down the road.

It’s about 11:30 pm. My cellie is sleeping. He made these ear plugs out of vitamins and plastic wrap :) They look all nasty, but whatever works I guess. Despite not having a television, we make time pass remarkably fast. A lot faster than with my other cellie. He is supposed to send you a letter from where ever. Please send it if you get it.

Alright so concerning Erin’s dream, there’s a couple of things that it could be. Maybe if you read it to her something will click. I’ve got my neighbor’s book for more clarification. Poor baby, I hate having dreams that are grotesque, more like nightmares.

Alright as far as being dead: The dead body depicts a whole set of personality traits, attitudes or potentials that have been denied in life. We have not allowed them expression. Okay- A person hurt in love might kill out any feelings towards the opposite sex.

Pulling things out of one’s body: Becoming aware of feelings or parts of one’s personality that were previously internal or unconscious or thoughts or attitudes that were previously taken to be important parts of one’s self, now being seen as separate.

But see that’s – I think, implying objects being pulled out of yourself. But if you combine that with abdomen: This is about being hurt in our feelings connected with others; longing to be held; desire of giving ones self or the potential of fully active natural drives; hunger. It’s not really specific, but the area where things were being pulled- Kinda?

Internal Organ: Often to do with concerns over health or could be a subconscious sense of illness in that area, but mostly anxiety about illness. But just in case, tell her to go to a doctor.
Don’t scare her though. Or just give her any everything’s okay hug.:) That way you can cover your bases. Try and hook her up with the delivery boy or something The book says, “see separate organs, but there is no such topic - what Bullshit. If she needs a kidney I can get her one for a book of stamps. I don’t drink coffee anymore, but I’ve been paying dude to steal me tea and even that is too much caffeine. I’m having a terrible time trying to write! You got me thinking that I can’t spell. What a complex!

This is the last page that I have so, I’ll have to finish writing tomorrow when I can harass my big black cellie for some paper. I can’t get over how huge he is. The dude’s 6’8”! I’m such a midget.:) I come up to his shoulders. The cops come back and take a second look- like WTF? He kinda’ reminds me of Bubba [his cousin]. We get along fine. He knows some people that I know from the Salt River.

I’ll probably writ my sibling. Again, what an ass! I sent a letter out to my Dad. I haven’t heard from him in a while. I also sent one out to Patty [his Aunt]. Oh, did you want me to send that letter you wrote to her to her? [I accidentally sent a letter to him that I meant to send to his Aunt]. I will anyways. I’m not as depressed as you let on. Honestly, I’ll try and perk my letters up a bit. I don’t mean to bring you down under false impression of melancholy. Cheer up! I love you and always will. I will never leave this world before you. So get that out of your head. I love you. Damn!

I’ll write when I have more paper tomorrow. I love you. I come home soon, promise!

It is now Sunday about ummm.. 2? Don’t know for sure. We just came back from smudging. I wanted to send you some more words. I’m tired, but I can’t sleep. That happens a lot lately- Insomnia? I don’t think so. I made some tea, but it tastes like onions – eww! But I’ll drink it anyways – eww!

I need to buy a new radio. The tape player is all messed up. I’ll invest $30 in one. Can you do me a really big favor? Can you? Thanks I NEED these tapes Massive Attack-Mezziine and Bjork- Telegram. They don’t have them in the order books. Massive Attack – messsine (I don’t know how it is spelled) and Bjork- Telegram. It’s really slow and tripped out. It’s depressing but a day like a rainy day. And it makes me happy, Please! Or you can find a tape online with Hopi songs on it. I’m tired of this Navajo shit  I wrote this thing. They’re hooking me up with a pen pal. I hope this place finds me one soon. But if they go on the DOC site, I look all stupid! I have that same picture on my I.D. I hate it. I’m going to write my brother today. I hope he writes back. I would love to here from him. Maybe I should have written Dara [brother’s girlfriend] instead and have her tell him to write. He’d probably listen to her. I’ll just tell her to crack her whip! :)

I’m so tired. I want to sleep. I want to fall into a coma and wake up in 6 years that would be nice.

I took a nap and read a book on Johnny Cash. There were some cool stories involving him. He did a cover of nine inch nail. The song, Hurt. It’s cool. I’m still tired. REAL tired. I’ll sleep good tonight. I wish I was home. I miss the old house. I wish I could get out and my room would still be there. Jesse would be sitting way too close to the TV. You, Chopper and us boys would all be gathered around the T.V. laughing, joking- being a family. I wish I had that to go home to. I’ll always think of that house as home. I miss you Mama. I wish I could talk to you – face to face.

I need to write to my lawyer tomorrow. I haven’t hear anything since last month. I’m going to find out something. If you hear anything let me know okay? If I go back to court I’m going to take the plea. I want to get out of here. I want to leave- fast quick in a hurry. If I would have taken the original plea I could have negotiated down to 21/2 years. I’d be getting out in a year- Stupid! :)

Sorry, I didn’t mean to go down that road. No wonder why you think I depressed! I just turned in a phone slip. I’ll call Mom and Papa grandparents]tomorrow. It would be nice if I could call you. I want to hear your voice. Patty and So-oh [grandmother] are supposed to send back these visit forms. I’ll be able to call over there. The more the merrier.

92% of one dollar bills have traces of cocaine in them. George Bush and John Kerry are 16th cousins once removed. What worthless information :) If you licked 776,450 dollar bills you would have a $60 bag in your system.

I hope to hear from you soon. Maybe you will come in Sept. That would be cool Don’t worry I’ll be home :) I get off non-contact visits in October. Then I’ll get hugs and kisses and soda and good food that they sell in the visiting areas. And Marlboro reds – Papa bought me a pack but I can’t have them yet, so he brings them to tease me. I love you.

Charlie
Massive Attack and Bjork!!

7-7-04

2008-09-27T21:46:00.000-07:00

Mama,

I got your books last night. There were like three different boxes. I am so excited. I was doing some yoga exercises and it fixed my back. This guy I know said to me when I got them, “I wish I had a Mom like that!” He’s another chief form Gila River. He’s all into reading books like the one’s you’ve sent me. It made me proud and happy at the same time!

I started to read “The way man thinks”; it’s cool. When I am done, I’ll let you know how it was. This morning the first thing I did was look in that dream book and try to analyze my dream. I have been having bizarre dreams lately. This book helps but things into perspective a little.

I talked to Mom and Papa yesterday. They’re on the visiting list and I finally talked to them. It’s been about 6 months since I last spoke with them. They sounded good and happy. They told me about outside. They mentioned that they were going to drive up to Washington, the first of the month. They’re bringing Leah? Anyways, they were really excited about going.

I got your letter yesterday. It’s been a while since I got a letter. I was starting to get worried. I’m sorry I haven’t been writing. I’ve been lazy. I don’t really have the motivation; nothing seems worth writing.

The other night I was dreaming happily. Jesse was there holding a white cat – a big white cat. He said,” this will wake him up!” and he threw the cat on me. I could feel the fuzzy warmth on my neck and the claws of retreat. I woke up and sat up gasping for air. I was wide awake and panting. So, I went to lay down where the cat was and it was all cold. It gave me the chills. I said a prayer asking anyone who wasn’t Jesse to go away. It didn’t dawn on me that the white cat was Pearl Jam (My boyfriend’s cat that had died) ‘til I pondered over the dream later. Jesse used to wake me up by making Chopper jump on me and lick my face. That was the best way to wake up. We used to wrestle and he would lie next to me and ask me about my dreams. Those dreams came true later on.
It made me happy to know that he wasn’t alone. If I ever needed confirmation that there is life after death, I definitely got it now. I feel him around me a lot when I’m alone. I talk to him.

It’s a weird concept, but I get a thought and someone will say it. It’s like they read it out of my head. Or I’ll get a thought and say it in my mind and someone will say exactly what I was just thinking verbatim. I’ve come to realized that it could be Jesse communicating in a collective consciousness sense. Anyhow, I have been trying to say something before someone says it to me. :)

I finally got my teeth worked on they filled two molars, one on each side. It’s hard to chew. I’m going back to get some cavities filled. They ripped my gum and had to stitch my mouth, but the stitches came out the same day. And now I have this piece of flesh flapping when I talk – OUCH!
I’ve been doing Yoga at night. After I do a couple of exercises, my chakras feel aligned. It’s dope. My mind is clearer and I am calmer. It helps me focus on what ever I would like to ponder on -OM! Anyway, thank you. Yoga has mad prison bearable.

I’m sorry for not writing you. I’m a lazy boy. I got another letter from you today. Who cares if I misspell words – geez. It’s good to hear from you always. I love getting letters form you. I talked to Mom and Papa before they left, they were all happy and excited. They should be there by now. Thanks for the little cards. Are you going to church? You probably don’t have enough time. So, I’ll pray for you instead, okay?
I’ve gotten, “Yoga”, “Einstein’s dream”, “Millionaire”, “dream book”, “Da Vince Code”, “5 people in heaven”, “Angles and Demons” and “As you think”. I’ve read them all Thanks!
I got a set of tapes called formation road block from JR Management U.K. Don’t worry about the tapes. I knew it would be difficult to get a hold of some anyhow.

Maybe you could find a djork tape? It’s called, “telegram” I would love to hear that one – ok- Seputkna “roots” and Massive Attack “Messinine”. Those three are some favorites of mine.

No monkey ass, Chris has written me. Neither has Martin. Don’t worry, I’m alright about it. Screw them! People have there own lives. I miss my life. The one years ago- not the one I left behind. That person I was before is gone. I didn’t like him anyway. :) I have to think back before Jesse died to have truly been happy. My mind, actions and choices since then have been clouded. That whole loss really fucked us up – all of us. I wish I could have handled it better.

I feel guilty about my teenage years – damn! Really bad. I want to make it up to you. Some day I will. My kids are going to be down right crazy. :)

I miss you Mama. Don’t know what I would do without you. Don’t work too hard, okay? I’m glad you’re happy. Stay that way!

Oh I almost forgot to tell you, the lumps on my face were from my bad teeth. I’ve had them taken out one molar on each side and I am in pain. But I am cancer free! I quit chewing tobacco and I am working on quitting smoking – don’t trip. I’ll quit someday before I am free, alright?

I was watching, “The Price is Right” and there was this huge black guy named LaVerne. “LaVerne come on down!” How would you like to go on that show with me? We’ll get a bunch of people together with matching tee shirts that say “Bob for Pres”. ‘ LaVerne come on down!”

I know how Chopper feels when no one walks him now. Just laying there staring like a dog. Charlie the dog. :) I might as well be neutered too. It’ll take the fight out of me. :) Charlie the dog.

There is this cop; he is a huge white guy. He looks scary and mean. So, all these convicts treat him mean out of fear. But when I say, “Hi” to him, he looks like a little kid who doesn’t have to be serious any more. My cellie calls him a big teddy bear. I don’t know how the hell he does it (my cellie), but he talks the cops into all sorts of shit.

When we moved over here, there weren’t any stools by the desk. He talked a cop into bringing in a chair out of the area. Then he had maintenance weld a stool in here, the only one on the run. He lectures the dick head guards and walks around the yard like he doesn’t know any better. What a goof. All he does is drink coffee, smoke, talk shit about people on T.V. and draw. He is funny. But when he talks about good looking women, he uses a voice that sounds perverted, like he’s talking to a dog. I talked him into getting a wetback wife. I told him to get three or four. But he only wants a wife and another one to take care of. He is a lonely S.O.B. He’s confused about being a cowboy though. I told him you can’t be a cowboy and an Indian at the same time.

This weekend there’s all these westerns on T.V. He’s all into it. I told him F*** John Wayne”, he just about cried. :)

Tomorrow is the forth of July. At dinner we’re going to have hotdogs and hamburgers. We have Hamburgers three times a week. First it’s a hamburger then it’s Salisbury steak, then hamburger with cheese. Tonight is the hamburger with cheese. They also serve chicken a lot. But on the boxes with the chickens it says, “Not for human consumption”. They’re all deformed chickens!!! I miss your chicken so much. Everything is so blah or yuck!

I want fried zucchini right now, with ribs BBQ, pizza, fires and a beer – Yummmm!
I’m trying to fill up the Space. Have you heard from Lacey at all? I wonder about Cierra. Every hour I try to picture her one year old. How she looks, if she talks yet. I wish I could be there. I miss that baby. If you could you find out how she’s doing for me? Lacy’s Dad’s Number is XXX-XXX-XXXX, at least it was. It would ease my fears, if you could find out something for me.

Thank you for being you Mama. I miss you ad will write more often. No more Charlie the dog.:)

I’m all approved for Rio Salado, but no rush in another year… I’m going to be free sooner than 2010. 2006 watch and cross your fingers :)

Could you send me some $$? I haven’t had any food for three weeks and I am tried of asking for food – Dog food.:)

My hair is down to my upper back now. I like it up. I wish you could see it. Soon enough I suppose. Give Mom and Papa hugs and kisses for me and Chopper too.

I thank God I have you to talk to. I appreciate your up lifting thought and undying love. I’ll try and return the favor :)

Love Charlie

6-2-04 as well

2008-09-20T11:21:00.000-07:00

Mama,
I’ve trying to write more often, but every time I start my mind goes blank. You ever got like that? Maybe if I had something meaningful to write about, I could motivate myself, but no such luck!

The only thing keeping me sane is my dreams. I’ve been having good dreams lately. Vibrant colors and happy feelings – you’ve been in a lot of them. Jesse was with me last night. It was depressing to wake up without him, but I think it was him communicating with me in a way I can handle.

You are right about never ceasing to exist. Jesse is dead, but not gone – you already know that! He came to visit you in your sleep because he still needs his mama. Maybe that is why he came to you so intensely. He needed to be comforted just like you did. Don’t worry about not ever seeing him again. That’s crazy. He came to you in your sleep; maybe that is how he can interact with us without scaring us. He is around us- never doubt it. You are never alone, NEVER!

And you’re right, no matter how old I get I will always need you, too. It’s not a selfish thing to want me to always need you, is it? Because it is true. :)

I hope you stay positive. Try not to live in the past. Even though it is hard sometimes. You can’t change that. That’s something I have to tell myself on a daily basis. The truth is right now isn’t important unless it is preparing you for the future. You have a wonderful future. It’s time you listen to your own advice. Trust me, it’s good! :)

I have to switch to pencil. Pen suck’s it’s making my ugly handwriting worse!

I got the opening brief for my appeal yesterday. It’s impressive. She has two very good reasons my case should be taken back. I was expecting some little letter or something, but I got a huge packet. The brief looked like it was a book. There were 5 cases in state and 14 cases federally. The first reason stated that my 5ht, 6th and 17th amendment rights were violated. When my lawyer only had to prove what I did was ‘negligent’. He asked the judge to explain what negligent meant which was denied. It was my only line of defense. It is the judge’s job to instruct the jury on what ‘negligent’ means. The jury is instructed to take the law from the judge’s interpretation in order to find me guilty beyond a reasonable doubt. They had to rule out all circumstances which the court failed to do. My right for due process- in all five state cases the conviction was reversed when the trial court failed to define the meaning :) .

It made me so happy to get the packet! When they called me out they were talking about my appeal. My cellie was confident I was going to get it. He has been a good guy about it. I thought he was just humoring me with support. Then I get called for legal mail.

The sunset was breath taking yesterday. The sun was low and orange and red, which made the dirt a bright red. There were patches of bright yellow, light blue and purple all in the sky. I was looking at the sky the whole time.

The first reason reason was that I should get a re-trial. But the motive for the second acquittal.My arrest was illegal- plain and simple. That’s were the federal cases came into ply. I was on Federal land- “Indian Country”. It goes on talking about that. “For the reasons stated in argument one, "Charlie should receive a new trial one count one.”

“Alternatively, and for the reasons stated in the argument two the court lacked jurisdiction to try Mr. Charlie on all counts and erroneously failed to dismiss the indictment in it’s entirety. The convictions should be vacated” VACATED !!!! :)

She has exhibit A which goes on for about twelve pages of the violated laws on Slat River. The cops followed me on to Salt River can be fined up to $500 and imprisoned for 6 months according to their laws. I mean twelve pages of broken laws made by the police!!!

I’m going to have a wonderful birthday.

I thought I would be motivated sooner to write some compelling letters to you, but oh well. I feel guilty. :( I hope this cheers you up. I know it picked up my spirits.

I got you books today! It was cool getting them. I’ve read the book, “Angels and Demons” in county. I thought I wrote you about it? Anyways, I’m going to read it again ‘till I find the purpose for it. It’s one hell of a coincidence. The property officer in property told me that the books were on the New York Times list. “The five people in heaven”- I’ve just got started reading it. Should be good. Thank you! You even spoil me in prison. :)

I miss you Mama and think of you when I smile – I hope you can feel them! Remember, even thorns have roses grow on them! What ever the hell that is suppose to mean- I think you understand my meaning?

I got Maxim yesterday too! The same day I go another letter from you! I felt like you gave me a hug. I almost cried. (What a Mama’s boy.) I’m still twenty but in two days I can buy beer!

Mom and Pap sent me a birthday card yesterday. It’s cute. I fell bad that I haven’t written them in a while. I’ve been lazy. I’ve been working on a card but have been slacking. I wanted their phone to work from here- I tried yesterday, but no luck. I miss them a lot. I miss them a lot. So, I’m going to write as soon as I am done with this.

I want to write at nighttime but my cellie sleeps. All of these motivational surges go through me when I try to sleep. But by the time I wake up – it’s gone. :(

I feel so good on Fridays. There’s this depressing slow techno/Jazz on before the hardcore comes on. Depressing music makes me happy- Happy music is depressing.

This morning I went to Practice Pow-wow songs first thing. We are having dancers come here next month on the 12th. I’m looking forward to it.

I need to write more. I’m behind on letters. I’m getting some pictures taken on Saturday- three. I’ll send them out when I get them.

I haven’t heard form anyone but you, Mom and Pap, Aunt Patty and frank’s ex-girlfriend, Maggi. She sent me $50. It just feels like I repeat everything over and over.

You think you could get a ‘Bjork” tape for me. It’s called “telegram”. It is slow bizarre techno I crave. If you can I would also like some D&B- Jungle. And the new “NOFX” Album. Thanks Mrs. Clause! 

Take care of yourself and Copper and Mitch. Tell Mitch “What’s up and give Chopper a kiss for me. Tell Chris he’s an asshole for not writing.

Love you Mitch. Thanks for the reading material. I miss and love you very much.

Don’t let the past haunt your present – alright?

I miss my family and I will always need you. Don’t be stupid- no more fucking ‘should have’- ‘could have’ shit. It’s a confusing circle you get stuck in.
Thanks for being more than a mother to me- I love getting you letters they’re always full of intelligent insight.

Your son and friend,
:) - Charlie - :)

6-2-04

2008-09-14T14:21:00.001-07:00

Mama,

I guess this weekend we are going to take pictures. I’ve bought three. So, I’ll send the best one to you. My hair is getting long; it’s like going down to my shoulders. Mom wrote me and said that long hair is “bum’ hair. She said Christifer looks like a bum. :)

I had a horrible dream last night. I woke up around four disgusted. Lacy is out there being gross. That’s all I have to say about that. I woke up sad and lonely. I hate being alone. When I went back to sleep, I was flooded with past memories. Things I can’t change haunt me. Those damn “should haves”. I wish I could forget. But how would I learn?

The other day I kept getting anxiety attacks – real bad. I don’t know what the fuck that was all about. I’m either getting real anxious or just feeling blah. I try and work out to release some endorphins. It worked for a while, but the bad feelings returned. Oh how I miss freedom- Open doors and street lights.

I read, “The five people you meet in Heaven”. It was dope. It gave me the chills. Right on the last word – it sent a shock through my body.

I just started reading, The DaVince Code”. That whole thing about PHI 1.816 being the building block for life is bad ass! The pentacle, Venus- Friday the 13th – very stimulating. I’ve been savoring it. Thanks. I like that part where it was talking about the Mona Lisa and the androgens properties and the similarities of DaVince and Mona Lisa Ha! What a fag! :) Thanks.

My cellie is going to get me this book out of the library. It is about this Hopi wizard called Don Juan. He says that it is worth reading. But he also got me this lame ass book, so I don’t know. But I will humor him anyway. I want to take a silversmith class. I was thinking about it last night. I’ll make some badass jewelry. My cellie says that he silversmith’s in Montana. He wants me to go there real bad. He sure is a lonely S.O.B. His wife just left him for being in prison for two years. He’s getting a divorce the poor bastard.I try and keep his mind off of it. But he fucks up and whines about once a day. Out of sight –out of mind – it is that damn T.V. that poisons our minds. :)

I need to write more people. But I don’t see the point. I know that sounds horrible, but that is ho I fee. I gave up on Chris, my Dad and any girl that I’ve ever has a relationship with to ever write me. But I’m used to it now, so it doesn’t really matter anymore. My Aunt Patty wrote me. I have not been in the mood to write for a couple of months. I feel like an asshole – a lazy one.

A good thing happened. I bought store last week and I bought more on my birthday. When I got my slip they had forgotten to take the money from last week. So, I got about $75 worth of free food for my birthday. I was like, “Thanks Jesse!”

My Dad’s ex-girlfriend Maggie has written me. She sent me some cash and a card. I just barely wrote back; I felt guilty so I wrote Mom and Papa. I also sent my lawyer a thank you note along with my receipt for the opening brief.

I came to the decision of sending you the opening brief yesterday. It can explain itself better than I ca. I got my pictures taken yesterday. So, I’ll be sending you the best one. I hope you like it.

So, yesterday they called me up to property. I thought I was getting U.A.D [I don’t know what he meant], but instead I got 8 D&B tapes :) :) :) … :) I swear it was the best day I ever had in prison. I’ve been listening to them straight for two days. Thank you so much!!

I just go done reading the DaVince Code. The ending was sort of predictable- but a very stimulating read. It all makes sense. I love how it points out the pagan symbols in modern time religions. The origin of the Star of David – Phi is dope. That whole concept is mind-boggling. I understand now your whole “Woman the run with the wolves” thing. :)

Alright I have been slacking. I don’t feel the urge to write anymore. I started this letter like a week ago, but I have put it off. I was waiting for my pictures to come. I took three but they only gave me two. I’m sending you the best one. I look like shit- but I guess that will fade.

My cellie was getting on my nerves. He’s so old. He’s all into his cowboy thing. Which irritates me ‘cause he’s fucking Indian. :) He tried to tell me that I don’t know enough about my culture ‘cause I don’t know my “animal spirit”. When he said that, I was laughing my ass off. I asked him if he got that information from the movie “Dances with Wolves”. He snores so loud; he reminds me of a drunk. All right enough of that. He is just old and confused.

Last week, some dick head cop got beat down. The yard was on lockdown for a day – then that asshole, pathetic, piece of shit – got beat down. This cop was evil- I swear. I tried to be nice thinking that he was just misunderstood. I said, “How are you doing?”, when I was walking opposite of him. He says, “Better than you are.” I was like, “Damn! He is a dick.” I just said, “You’ll get yours.” Sure enough, the next day, they had to fly a helicopter in and fly him off the yard.

So, that is a second time this week we were on lockdown since Thursday - which means no Pow-wow. I was sad, but I think it was worth it. I don’t know what he was thinking. There are some crazy nuts on this yard. If you don’t show respect, no matter who you are, you are going to get dealt with - Stupid.

So, I have been in this cell for five straight days. I’ve lost my color. :) I want to run around in the hot sun. So after a heated debate over is Steven Segal is Martian or not. We watched, “Lord of the Rings on prison vision. It took all day and into the night to watch them all. They were all right, Stupid little hobbits. That Gollum I like. He cracked me up. At the end of the second one, I had a dejavous. The next time I watch this movie, I will be free. It is going to be around 4:00 pm. You’re going to be rushing me to leave we’re going to the movies – at least I think it is you. Anyways, it was cool. I believe it is a good sign.

My dreams are becoming more and more bizarre. They are kind of making sense. But I’m just guessing, I don’t really know.

I want to send you my opening briefs. But I don’t know how many stamps I am going to need to put on it. I probably will slap like ten on it. I’m going to send it out with this along with my picture. I’m going to write Mom and Papa too. I haven’t heard form them. They just got approved for visits. So, I’m going to have to let them know. I have non-contact visits for two months. I don’t know if they would want to wait or what. I am going to try to call them. I don’t know if their number went through or not yet. I’m worried about them.

I’m going to find out about these lumps on my jaw and under. One is the size of a pea; the other an almond. I think it is a tumor that is there. If they are - I am guilty of smoking. Unless I’m just dying:). The one under my jaw scares me.

I hope to hear from you soon. I’m getting lonely. I try not to pay attention to the mail. But I can’t help it. I hope you are okay and doing well. I love you mama and keep you in my prayers always.

Have you heard form Chris? I don’t know if I want to know. Out of sight – out of mind, I guess.
I miss your mailing. Don’t forget I love you and always will. Send my love to those that need it.

Charlie

5-23-04

2008-09-07T20:41:00.000-07:00

Mama,

I know I haven’t been writing as often as you would like, but I have kept you in my prayers anyway. I haven’t been motivated to write in a while. There’s nothing happening here- nothing new at least. I think I am in a rut. I’m not really feeling depressed; I just feel blah. Your letters (packets :) ) are gifts that are immeasurable in value. They make me so happy. I wish I could fill that void for you too. I miss you and I’m sorry for being in here. I wish I could hug you. But my words will have to suffice for now.

I need to get off my butt and do something productive. I just want to lay around and think. Like I said- I think I am in a rut. Maybe subconsciously I am depressed. I just hit my one year mark a couple of days ago. And my 21^st birthday is around the corner. My second birthday incarcerated. Don’t get the wrong impression thought. I’m perfectly content as it is, just feeling bland.

My cellie is having a hard time too. Maybe it’s just the vibes I’m picking up on.

I got your second packet a couple of days ago. I love pictures! They fill my mind with beautiful images.

I wish I could alter your sadness. You seem so sad in your letters. I wish it wasn’t so. Try not to get overwhelmed with life and the little annoyances okay? Also remember all the good things we did when we were younger. Do you remember that time that you, Jesse and I all went up to Payson? Oh we had Chopper with us too. We went in the mountains and to that fish hatchery. The road was closed so we went on foot. There were all those fish in that pond. They were jumping up on each other. Jesse started to jiggle the vending machines with the fish food in them and got handfuls after handfuls. We copied him and were for hours feeding the fish. On the way back we got some soda and Jesse with his “hot” Cheetos. We were giggling in the back and you kept asking, “What is so funny?” You were jamming out on country music and we thought it was a funny thing. Charlie had his head out the window. His tongue was hanging out of his mouth. J Jesse put one of his hot Cheetos on it.

We always had fun. I had a great childhood and so did Jesse because of you and your care. I love you!

We have so many stories to tell. I can go on and on about happy moments through out my life. Different experiences with our little family – all wonderful! So, don’t worry yourself about

“could” have done more, because you went above and beyond.

Okay, enough of my lecture. You know that everything I could say. Just be a bird :) Don’t worry – be Hopi.

I hate the T.V. more and more each day. Society uses sex to sell shit way too much. I never knew frustration like this. One year – one fucking Year! And still more to come…Enough of that.

I’ve become obsessed with this little dog on T.V. He’s in like 16 different commercials. I always see him popping up here and there. I think his name is Baxter, because that is his name in about 14 different commercials. He is cute. The more I see him the more I miss Chopper. It is a depressing thought that I will never see him again. I miss that dog.

My cellie is selling his art from in here. He gave me a copy of one of his drawings to send to you. I think you could use it. It fits our ongoing conversation perfectly. [A photo-copied drawing came with this letter. It was signed by “Buck”. I t was a picture of a cowboy struggling with some tangles up horse shoes. It was titled “Life is a puzzle”.]

I’m sending you a couple of things with this letter I hope you like them. Always remember that I love you and miss you. I am learning new things everyday or at least I am trying to. I am free in my dreams and always will be.

Don’t worry about the past so much, okay? Think of your beautiful future. Trust me it works – Kinda’ J

I love you Mama,

Charlie

I’m in AA -design for living and Substance awareness classes.

I love you!

4-27-04

2008-08-31T11:51:00.000-07:00

Mama,

Happy Earth Day! It was a couple of days ago, but hey it’s the though that counts!

I’m on lock down again! I get off tomorrow at dinner time I guess. It’s like no matter how hard I don’t want trouble it comes. I got a cellie last Friday He was cool. He came from the streets, but ran with the Warrier Society before he left home. The Warrier Society and the Diné Brothers are at war in the system. This is a Diné yard (the only one). Well, he told me he was going to smash the head here. If I helped him, I would be free of the jacket I wear no. If these guys ever go to another yard, they are going to get shanked. I don’t want to worry about that so I told him, “yeah”. But the more I thought about it , I didn’t want to go to the walls ( super-max Florence) Plus these guys here are cool to me. So, I was worried these guys were going to die from a couple hot ones.

I don’t have any animosity towards anyone here and it didn’t feel right to me. So, I wasn’t going to say anything. But my head came up to me when I was at the L.O.P. cages for rec. (Think of a kennel for humans) He gave me some tobacco and asked how things were going. I told him about me cellie and his “plan” and to watch his back. When I went back to me cell, I told him I wasn’t going to do it. Well they told him to get off the yard by dinner or he was going to be dealt with. When we came back from chow, I was seeing if I had any papers in my box. The dude sucker punched me form behind a couple of times. I fell. He started to kick me in the face. (He was wearing my boots that I lent him). They sprayed us both with mace and cuffed him.

Since I didn’t fight back, it was considered an assault, so I go to stay. My nose is broken in a couple f places and the right side of my face is swelled black and blue. My eye is swollen shut and looks fucked up! My nose is still bleeding and it’s hard to see. And- I’m alone again :(

This chick (guard) who’s always flirting with me, kept coming by to talk – I guess. She told me, ”she never knew how beautiful I was ‘til I became disfigured.” I was like, “Thanks, I guess?”

It’s kind of bizarre a lot of the guards kept coming by to comfort me - All the guys on my run too. I must really look fucked up ‘cause they all ask the same thing at first, “Are you alright?” Ha! “Oh yeah I just got kicked in the face a couple of times with my own boots!” It makes me feel good that I effect the environment around here.

Poor me! Ha! Ha! What a joke. I really feel good about my decision though. I stood up for what I thought was right, despite the consequences. But if I ever leave this yard I have a hot one waiting for me, so…. I don’t think I am going to leave this yard. Which means I’ll stay a 4-High medium and get out in 2012.Or I could P.C. up and spend a couple years with snitches and child molesters, but I think I would rather get out in 2010. Maybe, I could get it over-ridden by the captain to where I would still get “good time” just not get re-classed- I’ll worry about that later.

I had a talk with the captain. He was cool. Though he just gave me a 3 day lockdown period and moved my score up to 4-5 –Yikes!! He put me on parole class three for a month- which means no good time for a month and I can get it back in a year. And I also got 15 more days L.O.P. and one hell of a shiner :)

So, back to my solitude. I missed it too. I got a radio. Wow. I have to shut it off when I read though. I can still read but no comprehension when the radio is on. There’s this cool radio station down here: 91.3 KXZI Community Radio. Every two hours is a different type of music. It’s so eclectic I forget I’m in America.

Do you know- world link T.V.? I used to watch that show, “World Music”. It’s like that so cool! Every thing from rockabilly to Indian Jazz. On Friday, they just have electronica from ambient to happy hardcore.- I think I’m in love!

I’m listening to an Acid Jazz set right now. I’m counting down to drum and bass. And at midnight a Jungle set! I know you have no idea what the difference is but Jungle is my favorite. There’s two types- well actually more- but D &B is break bear derived from hip-hop records – Jungle is form the Reggae like Bob Marley on Ecstasy! Ha!

In London and places in Europe, there is just D& B stations. There’s Jungle too, but to have it over here blows my mind- Tucson!? Maybe L.A. – but it is a cool station. Like the one I want to start on the reservations surrounding the valley- community radio – Yeah! – I’m in love!

So, what do you do bring my letter to work for show and tell? J Can they even understand my chicken scratch? If I ever meet these people I’m not going to be able to look them in the eye without blushing. I forgot what I wrote about Erin - please tell me it wasn’t stupid. I feel so cheesy! If you let them red- don’t let me know about it. Thanks. I feel like a cornball as bad as it is.

I got a letter from my Dad. I guess he got fired and is looking for a job in Seattle. Ha! How funny. Monkey boy still hasn’t wrote me. I’ll remember that! Jesse would have written…

They’re playing down tempo D&B now- I’m in love!

It is now Saturday. I listened to the radio till 1:00 am last night. There’s nothing like techno to get me through hard times. Lock down isn’t that bad; it’s like breakfast in bed prison style. :)

For the past week I’ve been dreaming about Lacey. I wish I wouldn’t They’re no the best ones. I wake up feeling bummed out. I miss love- not her – just love. I want to know how Cierra is doing. I want to hold her. Hear her laugh. Be there for her. I want to be a good. Now- not 6 years from now.

I’m in the middle of writing your parents. I sent out visitation applications a couple weeks back. Did you get yours? Any ways, I’m looking forward to talking to Mom and Papa. I used to call and shoot the shit. I miss them.

Do you have a number I can call collect? If so, give it to me. I can’t call all the time so don’t worry J

I have out tee-ball team picture up in front of me. Was I ever that little? Monkey boy is next to me. My Dad is in the back ground. He has the same forced smile as monkey boy. I look like a chipmunk. I’m sitting right in front of the sign- smack dap in the middle. I wonder if my Dad arranged that? He has a suspicious look in his eye.

Alright, I’m just rambling now. My hand moves so fast when I write. My hand is trying to catch up with my head. I guess?

You wrote how guilty you felt for dating for yourself and not for us? Please! Don’t even trip that crazy talk. You think we would have listened to another father figure? And if you only chose guys for their father traits, I bet you would have had a great sex life! :)

You should be proud of how you raised us- despite where I am of Jesse. I am proud of my Mama – always have been and Mitch is cool. I’m almost 21 now. Sure I look like I’m 16 but I feel grown up :)

Any how, my prayers are with and yours. Take care of Mitch and chopper. Thanks for being you.

Your son, Love Charlie

P.S. Look for “Bad Company” drum and bass out of the UK or AK1200-Concorde Don- I need musicka! Tapes Tapes Tapes Tapes Tapes Tapes

4-15-04

2008-08-24T18:26:00.000-07:00

Mama,

Hey lady, I got one of your postcards today, thanks! It’s a Monday; the 12^th – I think. I wrote to you yesterday. But I just wanted to write again, I got sad yesterday writing my Dad. Writing to you makes me feel better. It makes me happy. I’ve always felt that I could talk to you about anything. Writing to you feels like talking. It only takes longer to write and to get a response. A let is more solid though and doesn’t fade. Don’t yaw’ think?

I only got one letter on the outside. When I was 15, some love gone and lost. I still think about her though :). She was the first girl that ever really broke my heart. The sickness in me likes to dwell on hurt. I used to love pining over lost love. It is a weird pleasure I have. I’ve always liked the pain of a broken heart. That’s probably why I never got over Lacey- what a sick bastard I am. :)

I asked in my prayer last night for a dream that would motivate me and guide me on the right path. My prayer was answered (big surprise) J. I dreamt of a place in a mountain. I dreamt of that place before too. The first time I was here in my dream, I was scaling down the mountain with some people. One of them was Sarah and Oh! – and Christifer was there too. We were going to a rave. Well, last night I was in the same place again. My dream started out weird. I was at this girl’s apartment. This girl was like a groupie. She was short. There was a laundry hamper and there was this huge bra it. I picked it up and asked who’s it was. She blushed and said it was hers.- bizarre or what? Later on we were lying down and she started crying. She said that she loved me. I like just met her too. It was strange, but sweet. Then Christifer and I were going to help some girls. Some big white guy was hurting them. Christifer had a big gun. When we went in, I yelled at Christifer to give it to me. ‘Cause the guy had one too. I held it to him and told him to give me his. I took it and threw it to Chris. And we kicked him out. We asked if everyone was alright. They said, ”yes”.

Christifer told me to hurry up or we were going to be late. So we left. I thought we were going to change. But he said that we were going straight there. We were on a dirt road. We went down to this special exit of the road and there were lines of ravers staring at us- it was the place from that other dream. My Dad was waiting for us and said we were okay with times and we went to the place like V.I.P.s- I woke up . Instead of going to the party, we were going to spin a set there. That’s the only difference.

It’s cool ‘cause lyrics and beats, guitar and drums have been keeping my head filled for a while now. I keep thinking about when I was younger and how I found that guitar. I think it was a sign or something. Being away from music has kept me from listening. My mind in my only music and I Jam! ;) The acoustics in here (my cell) are great! I sing in the shower too but only when there is a female guard! :) I think of it as trying out new material. I would kill fro a guitar right now!

When I get out and you’re a millionaire, will you get me a guitar? Like have one waiting for me? Your hugs and a guitar 0 ah! Paradise! J I can’t wait to strut around with you and have people give us looks Ha! Ha! People have dirty minds. I don’t know how many times I have had to say, “She’s my Mom!” Is it our fault good looks run in the family? Society is sick.

When I am famous and except and award I am going to say, “ This is for my Mama”. :) Jesse is a very good inspiration for anything. I think you know that. He’s our own little muse.

Life is good Mama - it has to only get better! How long have we been saying that? Well, it’s time.

Prison has given me the chance to look at things differently. Clarity is an understatement. Purpose is hard to find when you’re all drugged up. I guess you wouldn’t know. But just take my word for it! :)

I’m going to say the same prayer again tonight. I liked that dream and want more. I slept the whole day only waking for food. I kept trying the rehash my favorite of the night.

Reading and working out- what a beautiful life. My mind is more healthy and so is my body- mind, body and soul. Such a deep love for heartbreak is just one more self-realizing traits that I have began to notice. I don’t know if that is good or bad- but just knowing what I am up against is a relief – free on the inside. :)

Well Mama, I’m going to read now. I’ll write in a bit.

I didn’t sleep at all last night, can you believe that? I was trying to sleep and all of a sudden there was a light. I looked and it was the early morning sunshine. They called first standby for chow already. So, I got dressed and brushed my teeth and thought I’d write some more.

There was all of those commercials for Sylvan Learning on T.V. A couple months ago, I didn’t know your boss started that. I’m going to tell anyone who will listen. I love you Mama.

J I got a letter from Mom and Papa [grandparents] today. I woke up a little bit a go and got a letter!:) I dreamt about (Aunt) Mary and (Uncle) David last night. They were in my Dad’s house. He was screaming at them to get out of his house. They slowly left. I was like, “They’re my Mom’s sister’s family”. Chrisitifer told me to let them leave.

Then I get a picture of Mom and Papa with them in it today. Weird, Huh? There were other pictures with Great Aunt Vern and them with (Aunt) Rose and (Uncle) Bob. Ha Ha There is another picture of Chrisifer’s car. The vanity plate says, “Hers” Ha! Ha! What a hooptee- No difference. I like the picture of Mom and Papa’s car better than your sister’s. Your sister’s and their family’s looked scary. I’m glad to see that it’s you who doesn’t age. They look a lot older! Their kids look older too. They look so uncomfortable with Aunt Vern; what a shame. She looks all happy and they look weird. Spooky.

I am going to write mom and Papa after this. They sent $50 to that guy. I’m going to tell me people- thank God. I still owe $48 – but something is better than nothing.

I was thinking last night that I could try and ask the court when I go back if I could spend the las t6 months in a metal health facility. I think it would help me better prepare for the outside. Plus there’s some issues I should deal with before my release. I don’t know how that would go, but I’m going to ask anyways. What do you think? Those places have helped me before. Why wouldn’t this be any different? 6 month- 1 year – the sooner I get out of here would be good.

Well, Mama, They’re calling for chow and I want to send this out today. So, I’m going to cut it short.

I Love U! Charlie

Your Son

Can you go to www.Y2k.com find pictures – look for how to be a kid: underground – click and look through them. There’s a picture with me and lacey. Print and Send - Please! THANK YOU!

I love you! Mama -Charlie